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7 Ways I’m Using The Toilet Paper I'm Hoarding

People that know me, know that I don’t like to be left out of the hottest trends – whether that includes TikTok, scrunchies and, of course, mass hysteria.

So when I heard that legions of people were swamping supermarkets and grabbing all the toilet paper they could find, I wanted in.

I dropped the kids off with the neighbours and told the wife I’d be unreachable for several hours. She asked where the kids were, but I didn’t have time to explain. I had to get to the supermarket to buy all that toilet paper!

I maxed out a couple of credit cards, took a loan out from my bank and sold my car so I could buy as much toilet paper as possible.

When I brought it all home, with the help of a very large moving truck, I counted it up -- it was about 75,000 rolls of toilet paper it total, which, I agree, sounds like a lot. (It looks like a lot too -- my bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen are filled with the stuff.)

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Now, it has been pointed out to me that there are lots of people consuming an average amount of toilet paper that may not be able to buy toilet paper now because of people like me. If you and your family are among these emotionally-balanced, non-panicked people, I am truly sorry. But you blew it.

An artist's rendition of the author at a supermarket. (Image: Getty / Roadshow)

Where were you while I was busting my hump to get to every supermarket within a 50 km radius? You were using your last bit of toilet paper, probably. Well, I hope you enjoyed it, because that’s all you’re going to get.

But I’m not here to gloat. This isn’t a competition. (If it was, I assume I would have won. I’ve got all the toilet paper!)

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I just want to assure you that all of this toilet paper will be put to excellent, worthy use. So while you may feel resentment and confusion towards me now, by the end of this article, you are very likely to be standing up and cheering.

I’m using it for my private bathroom business

I don’t want to go into a lot of detail. Let’s just say that toilet paper has some traditional uses and I am engaged in some of them. You can speculate all you want about what that might mean, but I will neither confirm nor deny any theories put forward.

It kind of feels like the longer I go on about this, the more it seems like something weird is going on.

But there isn’t.

I promise.

Let’s change the subject.

I’m building a fort

I’ve got kids and I need to keep them entertained, especially since I’m afraid to go outside because of this coronavirus business. So I used a lot of the packages of toilet paper to build a fort and play Let’s Storm the Castle. I pretend I’m a king in my castle and the kids are knights and we just end up smashing the sh*t out of the toilet paper until it’s no longer fit for practical use.

A lot of people might think it’s a waste of toilet paper, but I happen to believe that time spent with your children is never wasted.

I’m toilet papering the neighbourhood

One of the best ways to show your neighbours that you’re a fun guy is to throw a lot of toilet paper all over their property. To me, it was worth it and really lightened the mood, given this coronavirus business.

But now that I’ve done it to hundreds of homes, I do think toilet papering is perhaps not the best use of toilet paper. My bad, you guys.

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I’m creating art

Am I the first person in history to create a sculpture out of toilet paper? I better be because it takes a lot of work and a lot of rolls to make what I’m calling Bull Rides Whale.

Was it worth it? I don’t know. Was Michelangelo's David worth it? Was the Venus de Milo worth it? What about the Great Sphinx of Giza?!?!

I’m recreating my favourite Spider-Man movie moments

Remember that famous upside down kiss in Spider-Man? I’ve always wondered what it would look like if it had been recreated with everyone and everything wrapped in toilet paper.

Now I’ll know for sure.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you to give up on your dreams.

Imagine this. But with toilet paper. (Image: Sony)

I’m producing a shot-for-shot remake of the heartwarming 2015 Australian classic film Paper Planes -- with toilet paper

Now, I still haven't seen this movie but I’ve heard good things. And we’ll all be hearing even better things when my toilet paper version -- Toilet Paper Planes -- is released.

I’m charging average working families $75,000 per roll on eBay

This is the new Coronavirus Economy and if things go south -- as in, Walking Dead south -- I’m going to need a lot of money to buy an island where I can spend the rest of my days.

Coronavirus is pretty unnerving. I know it’s best not to panic and just to be careful, but the only way I know how to do either of those things is by hoarding toilet paper.

See you at the supermarket!

(The ones I haven’t been banned from.)