I've Stopped Trying And You Should Too: 25 New Year’s (Realistic) Resolutions
By now, we’re all sick of New Year’s Resolutions.
I’m not sure why I even capitalised it just now. We don’t respect them anymore. We’ve stopped making them so we don’t disappoint ourselves. In fact, Science says that 90 percent of our resolutions don't work out and most of us will fail by January 19. That’s less than a month!
I’ve tried to make lists of all kinds of resolutions but none of them work. Every year I let myself and everyone around me down.
So this year, instead of committing to a handful of resolutions that I have no chance of achieving, I am making 25 resolutions that are a lot more realistic. I will even go so far as to say that everyone is GUARANTEED to achieve these resolutions. That's how realistic they are!
Feel free to use my resolutions or come up with your own. It doesn’t really matter to me. I am happy to share… for a small fee.
Gain a great deal of weight
At this point, I’ve realised that getting slim and toned and the rest of it just isn’t a possibility. So I’m going to just let it all go and let nature take its course. Let’s go!
Lose a lot of money
This will not be a problem for me. As much as I love having money, I really love to spend it. So long, money!
Read fewer books -- and forget the ones I've already read
Harry Potter? What's that?
I’ve tried being present and focussing on one thing at a time. That doesn’t work. So it’s time to do lots of things at the same time, finish them or not and stop worrying about it.
Send more emails with no subject heading and no message
Everyone is tired of emails. Let confusion reign in 2020!
Overload your phone with apps and non-stop notifications
We need more distractions in our lives, not less. We’re all going to die. I want to think about that as little as possible. Apps that beep a lot on the phone can help with that.
Don't go to medical school
Let's face it. You never wanted to go to medical school. This feels like the year to finally make that not happen.
Spend more time at the gym doing exercises that make your neck really big and muscular
Being in proportion is so 2019.
Eliminate all fruit from your diet
Who isn't tired of thinking about fruit all the time?
Plan a vacation with someone that hates you
Sure, you can have a good time with people that like you. But having a holiday with someone that actively doesn’t? Now that would be something.
No more stairs
I hate stairs and I won’t be a part of their charade any longer.
Respond more to people on social media with the message “who cares”
Because seriously, who cares.
Loudly give yourself compliments on crowded public transportation
Everyone is going to want to hear what you have to say. I promise.
Glue your phone to your hand or face
Time to stop pretending we can living without screens and just give in. Our phones rule us. End of story.
Send nasty messages to people on holiday
When people post photos of their holiday, what they are saying is that they’re better than you. And they’re probably right. Time to let them know how you feel about that.
Be more adventurous with the kinds of snakes I bring into my home
I currently have no snakes in my home. That is going to change.
Throw out everything in my home that isn’t mine
My wife and children are way too focussed on things.
Be kinder to rich people
Rich people are the only people that can do anything meaningful for you. It’s time we recognised that.
Fall asleep in the shower more often
If you're anything like me, you don’t get enough sleep and you should probably spend more time in the shower. 2020 is the year for that.
Buy workout clothes that fit someone a lot shorter than me
There’s too much focus on looking good while you exercise and I’m finally doing to do something about that.
Send more handwritten emails
Now that some iPads come with pens, this is more possible than ever!
Track down all the stuff you’ve given to Goodwill or The Salvation Army over the years and take it back
Hey. It's your stuff.
Respond to all junk email and spam with a lengthy, personally-revealing message
These people and/or robots just want attention. Maybe we should give it to them.
Finally collect on all the money I think people owe me
For a variety of reasons I can’t get into, I always assume people owe me money. It’s time to collect.
Have you ever looked around and wondered why we don't fax as much as we used to? I have. And, well, I'm done wondering.