I've Stopped Trying And You Should Too: 25 New Year’s (Realistic) Resolutions

By now, we’re all sick of New Year’s Resolutions.

I’m not sure why I even capitalised it just now. We don’t respect them anymore. We’ve stopped making them so we don’t disappoint ourselves. In fact, Science says that 90 percent of our resolutions don't work out and most of us will fail by January 19. That’s less than a month!

I’ve tried to make lists of all kinds of resolutions but none of them work. Every year I let myself and everyone around me down.

So this year, instead of committing to a handful of resolutions that I have no chance of achieving, I am making 25 resolutions that are a lot more realistic. I will even go so far as to say that everyone is GUARANTEED to achieve these resolutions. That's how realistic they are!

Feel free to use my resolutions or come up with your own. It doesn’t really matter to me. I am happy to share… for a small fee.

Good luck!

Gain a great deal of weight

At this point, I’ve realised that getting slim and toned and the rest of it just isn’t a possibility. So I’m going to just let it all go and let nature take its course. Let’s go!

Lose a lot of money

This will not be a problem for me. As much as I love having money, I really love to spend it. So long, money!

Read fewer books -- and forget the ones I've already read

Harry Potter? What's that?

More multi-tasking! 

I’ve tried being present and focussing on one thing at a time. That doesn’t work. So it’s time to do lots of things at the same time, finish them or not and stop worrying about it.

Send more emails with no subject heading and no message

Everyone is tired of emails. Let confusion reign in 2020!

It's 'no pain no gain' when it comes to neck exercises. (Image: Getty)

Overload your phone with apps and non-stop notifications

We need more distractions in our lives, not less. We’re all going to die. I want to think about that as little as possible. Apps that beep a lot on the phone can help with that.

Don't go to medical school

Let's face it. You never wanted to go to medical school. This feels like the year to finally make that not happen.

Spend more time at the gym doing exercises that make your neck really big and muscular

Being in proportion is so 2019.

Eliminate all fruit from your diet

Who isn't tired of thinking about fruit all the time?

Plan a vacation with someone that hates you

Sure, you can have a good time with people that like you. But having a holiday with someone that actively doesn’t? Now that would be something.

New Year


The Good, The Bad And The Short Lived: What Are Your Resolutions?

Another year is behind us which means it's time to commit to some wildly unrealistic resolutions.

No more stairs

I hate stairs and I won’t be a part of their charade any longer.

Respond more to people on social media with the message “who cares”

Because seriously, who cares.

Loudly give yourself compliments on crowded public transportation

Everyone is going to want to hear what you have to say. I promise.

Glue your phone to your hand or face

Time to stop pretending we can living without screens and just give in. Our phones rule us. End of story.

Going on a holiday with someone that hates you is the ONLY way to spend 2020. (Image: Getty)

Send nasty messages to people on holiday

When people post photos of their holiday, what they are saying is that they’re better than you. And they’re probably right. Time to let them know how you feel about that.

Be more adventurous with the kinds of snakes I bring into my home

I currently have no snakes in my home. That is going to change.

New Year


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A new study has spilled the tea on our New Year's Resolution commitments, and the results are SPICY.

Throw out everything in my home that isn’t mine

My wife and children are way too focussed on things.

Be kinder to rich people

Rich people are the only people that can do anything meaningful for you. It’s time we recognised that.

Fall asleep in the shower more often

If you're anything like me, you don’t get enough sleep and you should probably spend more time in the shower. 2020 is the year for that.

Buy workout clothes that fit someone a lot shorter than me

There’s too much focus on looking good while you exercise and I’m finally doing to do something about that.

2020 is all about making friends with this guy. (Image: Getty)

Send more handwritten emails

Now that some iPads come with pens, this is more possible than ever!

Track down all the stuff you’ve given to Goodwill or The Salvation Army over the years and take it back

Hey. It's your stuff.

Abby Alexander


Resolutions Are Bull**it. Pick A Word Instead.

You don’t have to feel like a failure by Feb.

Respond to all junk email and spam with a lengthy, personally-revealing message

These people and/or robots just want attention. Maybe we should give it to them. 

Finally collect on all the money I think people owe me

For a variety of reasons I can’t get into, I always assume people owe me money. It’s time to collect.

Fax more

Have you ever looked around and wondered why we don't fax as much as we used to? I have. And, well, I'm done wondering.

2020 will be the Year of the Fax Machine. (Image: Getty)