If You Haven't Tried Bum Sunning, You Haven't Truly Lived
I like to keep up with the times.
I like to think I am dedicated to staying current in all things. And I like to ensure that I take all steps to maximising my own wellness and driving myself to ever-greater heights of self improvement.
So obviously, when I heard that the latest handy hint for staying healthy in this modern world is to expose one’s anus to the sun, thereby absorbing its life-giving properties via the most direct route possible, I said to myself, “Yes. That’s for me.”
The practice comes highly recommended by Meagan, a healer from California, which is reassuring. After all, she wouldn’t call herself a healer if she weren’t able to heal, would she? Meagan swears by what she calls “perineum sunning”, asserting that just 30 seconds is equivalent to being in the sun all day with clothes on. What does this mean, exactly: that 30 seconds of perineum sunning will give you heatstroke, or severely burn your face?
Whatever: clearly the benefits outweigh the risks, and the only way to properly ascertain those benefits for myself was to give it a go.
And so it was that I stepped into the sunlight, lay myself down on the grass, and prepared to subject myself to God’s own prostate exam.
Lying there, with my legs in the air, the first thing that I noticed was that my legs hurt. But then, that was probably a symptom of my overall lack of fitness, caused by insufficient perineum sunning. Just as someone with a bad back must stay active in order to heal it, someone with sore legs must continue to raise them up in the air while lying pantsless on the lawn in order to bring about the kind of holistic transformation that can come from lying pantsless on a lawn with your legs in the air. You’ll agree. Also, the grass made me itchy, but I did not complain.
Obviously, what you’ll be asking is: did my sunning prevent the leakage of chi from my body? I think I can confidently answer yes: as I allowed the sun to penetrate my darkest regions, I felt basically no chi leakage at all, and a post-sunning check confirmed that there was no chi on the grass.
I must confess there is something quite pleasurable about reclining on the lawn, as nature intended, feeling the healthful energy of the sun probe deep within me in order to uncover my best self. It’s a chance for contemplation, for a quiet moment amid the hustle and bustle of the world, to be alone with one’s own thoughts. Whether 30 seconds in this position has all the benefits of spending an entire day in the sun with clothes on -- for instance, being able to enter shops and gain paid employment -- I can’t say, but there’s no doubt in my mind that a whole day in the sun would not normally provide me with the opportunity for such profound self-reflection as this brief moment of knees-up, cheeks-out serenity did.
The great thing about the sun, of course, is that it’s warm. Indeed, sometimes it’s positively hot. It’s not often one’s nether orifice gets a direct taste of such warmth, and in that regard it’s a real blessing to hoist the feet skyward. Maybe it’s superficial, but while lying there, prone and vulnerable yet strangely secure in my own humanity, I felt enormously warmed, and so, in a way, cared for. The sun cares for us all, and perhaps it’s only by opening oneself fully to it that one can understand that.
Of course, it’s difficult to judge all the benefits of perineum sunning on one initial experience. Unlike Meagan, I have yet to make it a way of life, though I’m sure once I do I will find myself as jam-packed with wellness as she is. Maybe it’ll even stop itching.
The point is, a quick baring of the intimates to the great celestial orb can do a world of good, but only if you’re committed.
You wouldn’t expect to lose weight by going one day without a hamburger, so you shouldn’t expect to experience an increase in personal magnetism, balanced sexual energy, and stronger organs by simply sunning the perineum once. But just as even one day without a burger can make one feel cleansed, albeit temporarily, 30 seconds of solar rimming can for at least a time grant you a sense of well-being. If that subsequently fades, well that just means it’s time to sun again!
So will I be doing it again? Am I willing to subject my legs to the strain, my back to the itch, my next door neighbour to the sheer wondrous spectacle of it all? I can’t say for certain: I am a busy man. But what I can say is that, whatever happens from now on, I have known the loving touch of Sol on my tenderest portions.
And to know that is to have lived.