6 Times God Punished Us For What Israel Folau Did

All week, I’ve been thinking hard about Israel Folau’s theological views – mainly the stuff about how God is punishing us for marriage equality by sending bushfires.

Like Folau, I am also able to channel God and discern exactly why He punishes humanity.

Obviously, The Lord is a massive footy fan -- go Sainters! -- and becomes enraged when things don’t play out according to His ineffable plan.

Folau has had a great career, but there have been some lowlights, for which God has become extremely vengeful and done horrific things.

And we’ve deserved all of it. Because we made Israel a false idol, a golden-toothed calf.

Here's the proof:

Folau switched to the AFL with unprecedented grace in 2011, but he was probably paid too much so God flooded Roma, Queensland

To be fair, he did play for GWS, back when, in the words of Genesis 6:4, there were Giants in the Earth. And that was more punishment for him than us… until you crunch the numbers on what he got paid versus what he achieved out there.

Hence, the flooding of a small town. Not quite Noah proportions, but God was clearly furious about the whole thing.

God punished Folau and the rest of us for switching to the AFL. (Image: Getty)
Australia lost to NZ in the Rugby League World Cup final in 2008, so God devastated the global economy

You thought the GFC happened because American bankers and money men were messing around with forces they didn’t understand, making short-term profit at the world’s expense with little oversight, knowing the US government would bail them out? No, it’s because underdog New Zealand thrashed us 34–20 in the final. If only Israel had tried a bit harder out there.

Obviously, God knew we were going to lose in 2008, so he started the financial crisis early in 2007. Obviously.

Folau switched codes again, this time to rugby union, so God cursed us with three prime ministers in one year

2013 may as well have been Armageddon as far as the Antipodes were concerned. Itchy feet sent Israel to yet another form of footy, and God -- who had just conjured up a Greater Western Sydney scarf and beanie -- sent a plague of prime ministers to devastate us all.

Until St Folau moves on to gridiron, as he has threatened to do in the past, we’re stuck with this revolving door PM system. For as the Book of Malachi says, “The Lord has always wanted to get into American football, and missed the Hayne Plane era.”

Folau’s team had the 2007 premiership taken away from them in 2010, so God forced the entire country to spend $18 million on tickets to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Israel’s debut with the Melbourne Storm was a triumph. But in 2010, the team was found to have breached the salary cap several times. As a result, the 2007 and 2009 premierships were revoked.

It wasn't Folau's fault, but God was very, very angry and so in 2011, our Father in Heaven immediately, through sheer force of marketing, brainwashed the Australian public into making the third Transformers film the second biggest box office hit of the year. Terrifying.

But, as Job once quipped, “Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, and then the Lord did torture us with Hollywood franchises inspired by toys from the eighties.”

Can you recall the plot of 'Transformers: Dark of the Moon'? (Image: Paramount Pictures)
Folau left Melbourne for Brisbane in 2009, so God brought back Hey Hey It’s Saturday

Psalms 16:8 says “I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.” That didn’t stop Izzy changing teams in 2009, leaving the country wide open for a disastrous Hey Hey revival, along with a deeply unfortunate blackface incident.

Folau wouldn’t shut up about what gay people (among others) should and shouldn't do, so God keeps forcing us to read articles about Israel Folau

If I can point you to 1 Thessalonians 4:11, which says, “Aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you.” Seems pretty clear, IF. Amen.