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Clementine Ford: Some Scary Last-Minute Halloween Costume Ideas

Happy Halloween!

Gosh, time passes quickly. It seems like barely a year has passed since we had to endure endless op-eds about how this is bloody Ostraya mate and consequently we don’t celebrate that bloody Yankee bull**it and by the way they’re called bloody lollies, not candy!!

It’s a perplexing stance to take, given our general enthusiasm for co-opting and appropriating anything else we think seems a bit fun and also like it doesn’t belong to us. It’s not as if Australia isn’t overly enthusiastic about importing all manner of western customs that originated elsewhere. Like Christmas! And a day off for the Queen’s Birthday! And the attempted mass genocide of a land’s rightful inhabitants and ongoing disregard for their liberation and humanity! And pizza!

Come on kids, let's import this tradition like we did attempted mass genocide! (Image: Getty)

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But it is very important for some people to be right, and also to be joyless and curmudgeonly and anti-fun and curiously opposed to the sight of small, clumsy children dressed up as monsters and fat pumpkins.

For those of us who maintain a hair’s breadth of frivolity, Halloween is a blessed time. I mean, it’s presumably also a blessed time for those who worship the Dark Lord and/or are just extremely peaceful witches who commune in the woods on All Hallow’s Eve to pray for a bountiful season.

But for the irreligious among us, Halloween is a time to dress up, be silly and admit ourselves to hospital having suffered an ovary explosion at the aforementioned sight of smolfolk painted in fake blood and squeaking BOO at you on the street corner.

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Why I Hate Halloween And You Should Too

I always get angry when I hear someone say they hate Halloween because it’s “too American”.

And why shouldn’t we partake alongside them? Me, I’ve never been very good at costumes but I put some deep thought into it in this, the Year In Which Apocalyptic Doom Became Inevitable Because My God Trump Is Still President And The World Is Still Run By White Middle-Aged Bullies.

If you’re struggling for a costume to wear at your party this weekend, here are some ideas that I think you’ll find very scary and on theme:

LONE DESERT TRAVELLER IN THE POST CLIMATE WARS

Very easy to pull off, really. All you’ll need are some rags, a dirty old water bottle filled with moisture collected from the tears you’ve cried for the avoidable death of an entire planet and an entire suit of armour fashioned out of the rusting husk of the cars we will no longer even recognise as having once served as a place our ancestors once had sex in, back before they decided their own franking credits were more important than forcing mining companies to pay taxes.

Make Earth Mate Again! we’ll chuckle mirthfully, knowing it’s impossible now that widespread pollution has caused all of our genitals to decay into dust. Alas, poor dick! I knew him, Horatio, they might say. But they did not. They did not.

Where's my tear jar? (Image: Getty)

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ALL OF AUSTRALIA'S MOST CONSERVATIVE COLUMNISTS

This is one to do with your friends which, coincidentally, is something the above group of people have no experience of. They’re all really interchangeable -- in fact, you could just go as a bunch of white dudes who look like they haven’t taken a s**t in 15 years and the resemblance would be uncanny.

Of course, this stable of twits also includes women but that doesn’t mean you have to select them as your costume inspo -- as they all like to say, equal gender representation is a tool of the politically correct, identity politics mad, latte swilling Marxist elites. So when you’re choosing which brainless corporate, right-wing shill to dress up as this Halloween, remember that it should be about merit.

Costume sorted. (Image: Getty)

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A WOMAN WHO IS ALSO A PRESIDENT OR PERHAPS EVEN A PRIME MINISTER

The thing about women presidents and women prime ministers -- apart from needing to have their job titles preceded by their gender, so that everyone is clear that we’re not talking about real presidents and prime ministers, just the pretend kind who we humour for a bit until the Porridge Boys (stale, pale and male) tap them good humouredly on the bottom and take back the wheel -- is that they are very, very scary. Truly, the most terrifying of all the women doing things. (Except maybe women making a gentle joke at men’s expense.)

But how do we know if she’s likeable? they all fret, as if being likeable has anything to do with being capable of ordering all men be launched into the sun via the patented SunCannonTM (my own design), which is presumably the goal of any woman aspiring to be Woman President or Woman Prime Minister???

I'm ready to take the oath of office. (Image: Getty)

In fact, we do know if she’s likeable. Because we know that she’s not. No woman who aspires to be Woman President or Woman Prime Minister can possibly be likeable, because what she’s doing is trying to take something away from a man. Imagine that! A man! The rightful heir to presidency and prime ministership!

Terrifying.

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SEXY EXTINCT BEES

As Mean Girls taught us, Halloween is of course the one time of year when women are traditionally allowed -- nay, encouraged! -- to dress in a way that indicates they might have sex and enjoy it. Given that the death of bees is probably literally the most terrifying thing that awaits the future of our species, it makes sense that you might choose their total annihilation as a truly horrifying costume.

But there’s no need to look frigid while doing it.

Sexy Extinct Bees is your way to reassure everyone that just because the climate is collapsing faster than the economy (if that’s possible), it doesn’t mean you don’t care if men find you attractive.

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what the concept of this costume looks like but you’ll probably be fine with a cute pair of wings, a g-string leotard and a speech bubble coming out of your boobs that just reads, “We could have saved the bees but old men were too scared of a 16-year-old girl with pigtails and now we’re all dead. But cute!”

(Image: Getty)