Clementine Ford: I Wish I Was Hot Enough To Be Sexually Assaulted

Have you heard the one about the woman who believed her drink was spiked?

She complained, but... wait for it... she was told she's not attractive enough for a man to want to drug her -- and presumably sexually assault her.

It’s good to finally get some clarity on who might be at risk of being victimised. To wit, that it’s really only a problem for the women whom men deem beautiful enough to rape.

Thankfully, by this metric and in accordance with the views of every angry man who has ever sought to pass comment on the paucity of my looks, I am completely safe from ever being sexually assaulted or harassed!

I was reminded of this just this week, after Bettina Arndt-Men-Are-Wonderful tweeted some stroppy nonsense about a piece I wrote on the demise of the White Ribbon Foundation and excited the sewer rats who follow her.

“Believe me,” wrote one user in response to a meme mocking me for being an advocate against sexual violence, “Nobody wants to rape you.”

Phew! Thank goodness for that!

Except... well, gosh, but I’m just extremely confused about it all too. Because obviously it’s a relief to know rapists are quite discerning and hence my repulsive exterior will protect me from all forms of sexual assault for the rest of my life.

But also, I know that the most important thing in the world is that men find me attractive????

It’s a real humdinger of a problem.

And it gets me to thinking about all the times in my life when I’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted. Was I just better looking then? Or have I always been a swamp monster (some would say absolutely), and therefore those things didn’t really happen at all? Or they did, but I must have wanted it and in fact actually been grateful for it because if you think about it, those men were really doing me a favour. Taking one for the team, as it were!

When you think about it like that, it kind of changes your perspective. Even though I was only 10 when a man in his twilight years wrapped his wet, fishy lips over mine, there’s a silver lining to knowing that I was clearly also a really hot 10 year old!

I hope one day I'm pretty enough to be raped. (Image: Getty)

And how about when I was 13, and my boss took me upstairs to the apartment over the sweet shop he owned and plied me with hard liquor while his wife was out with their new baby? “You’re all talk,” he said to me then. “I dare you to come over here and give me a hug. I bet you won’t do it.”

But that one stings a bit too, because my 35-year-old boss didn’t rape me that day so I guess he thought I was pretty but only pretty enough to let me make the first move???


It’s okay though, because the older band guy who put his hand down the back of my jeans and into my underwear when I was 17 and drunk on a university camp must have thought I was pretty cute! He laughed about it with his friends while it was happening too, so they must have had the horn for me as well. Flattering!

And what about the guy who smacked me hard on the ass when I was walking out of a train station in Berlin? He seemed surprised when my friends and I yelled at him, and I guess now I can see why. He was just trying to compliment me! Silly women, can’t even assault them on the street anymore without them losing their minds.

I only have a few rapeable years left. Why is life so unfair? (Image: Getty)

I guess that’s why I said nothing when that other guy sat next to me in an otherwise almost empty cinema when I was 28 and started to masturbate. I mean, there were other women there he could have picked but he chose me out of all of them! #willyouacceptthisrose #yesofcourseiwill #thankusomuch

But now I’m old and ugly and fat, an old ugly fat slut who can’t get it and would never be raped by anyone.

And I guess that’s probably why I’m so mad about it, you know?? All my rapeable days are in the past, or at least that’s what I hear. It’s sad to know that there are all these blokes out there who won’t even think to put you on the list of women they would and wouldn’t rape.

I mean, what’s the big deal with a bit of sexual assault anyway?

At least they think you’re pretty.