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'Game Of Thrones' Should Win Zero Emmys, And This Show Should Win Them All

Show business awards shows are important. There I said it. 

They reward people for making great art and they tell us what that great art is. How else would we know what’s good? By experiencing things ourselves? 

No, you can’t leave quality determination to people. They can't be trusted. Just look at your friends. Are any of them reliable? What about your family?

Yikes, right?

So all we’re left with is awards. That’s why, when the Emmy Awards happen Monday morning, I need my favourite show of last year (and this year) to win ALL OF THEM.

That show is Game of Thrones -- the greatest show of all time.

I’m just kidding.

Game of Thrones could be a lot of fun and also a lot of not fun. But if we’re being honest with each other (and if you can’t be honest at Emmys time, when can you be honest?), its best years were behind it for this last season, which felt really rushed.

So no awards for that. None.

The show that actually deserves every single award in 2019 is a show called Succession. It’s about an elderly media mogul, Logan Roy, trying to determine who, if anyone, should take over his company when he retires.

The Roys. (Image: HBO)

And it’s incredible.

There are lots of sly references to modern dynastic media companies and their families. There’s a lot of really uncomfortable wealth porn. And the cast is great. Led by Brian Cox, who is terrifying as Logan, the actors are mostly not household names. It’s smart and funny and uses a world full of problematic, odious rich people to show us all how corrupting our obsession with wealth has become.

But maybe you’re thinking, “Hold on, maybe there are other shows and performances worth our attention”.

Well, to me, you sound crazy.

But if it’ll make you feel better, we can go through some categories (SOME categories -- the Emmys have about 3,000 of them) and find out just how deserving Succession is…

Outstanding drama series: 

Better Call Saul 

Bodyguard 

Game of Thrones

Killing Eve

Ozark 

Pose

Succession

This Is Us

Better Call Saul is a really good show. It satisfies nostalgia for Breaking Bad while also being its own thing. But it’s not better than Succession.

Bodyguard, on the other hand, is not a good show. A lot of people thought it was a good show. But as often happens with these kinds of things, they were wrong. Hopefully they see that now. There’s maybe 20 minutes that’s fun about that first episode and it’s all downhill from there. Fast forward.

Game of Thrones deserves nothing. Nothing!

Ozark is a lot of fun. It’s really good at ramping up tension and Jason Bateman is great as himself. Laura Linney is also really good, especially as her character starts to go darker. But like the other shows on this list, it is not as good as Succession.

Pose is a fascinating look at the formative New York City ballroom drag scene in the 80s. And the music is really good. But… Succession.

I haven’t been watching This Is Us, but I assume it remains a heart-wrenching family drama. I also assume I like Succession more.

Outstanding lead actor in a drama series: 

Jason Bateman (Ozark)

Sterling K. Brown (This Is Us)

Kit Harington (Game of Thrones)

Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul)

Billy Porter (Pose)

Milo Ventimiglia (This Is Us)

So this is where things get tricky. Unless I’m missing something, Brian Cox appears not to have been nominated. Which is nuts.

Look at him teaching Hamlet to who I assume is a young relative:

Outstanding use of "f*ck off":
Outstanding lead actress in a drama series: 

Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones)

Jodie Comer (Killing Eve)

Viola Davis (How to Get Away With Murder)

Laura Linney (Ozark)

Mandy Moore (This Is Us)

Sandra Oh (Killing Eve)

Robin Wright (House of Cards)

I’ve got big news for all the Killing Eve fans out there: I only watched one episode and I didn't like it that much. Also, House of Cards? That last season was incredibly unsatisfying, as much as I like Robin Wright. 

But who SHOULD win this is Sarah Snook.

I don’t care if she is more of a supporting actress on Succession. Her support as Logan’s daughter Shiv means more than anyone else’s work on any other show last year. Also she’s Australian! Our Sarah Snook.

Outstanding new fun game to play (it's from the second season but whatever):
Outstanding supporting actor in a drama series: 

Alfie Allen (Game of Thrones)

Jonathan Banks (Better Call Saul)

Nikolaj Coster-Waldeau (Game of Thrones)

Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)

Giancarlo Esposito (Better Call Saul)

Michael Kelly (House of Cards)

Chris Sullivan (This Is Us)

All right, Jonathan Banks is great on BCS and I don’t know if he ever won an Emmy for his great work on Breaking Bad. So I’m tempted to give it to him or Esposito, who’s tremendous.

The only problem is that neither of them are on Succession

But Matthew Macfadyen is. He’s unbelievable as Tom, the petty, put-upon loser who’s married into the Roy family. Give him the award right away.

Outstanding facial expressiveness:
Outstanding supporting actress in a drama series: 

Gwendoline Christie (Game of Thrones)

Julia Garner (Ozark)

Lena Headey (Game of Thrones)

Fiona Shaw (Killing Eve)

Sophie Turner (Game of Thrones)

Maisie Williams (Game of Thrones)

You've got to be kidding me with all these Game of Thrones nominations. I know this isn't politically correct, but Game of Thrones is uneven! I don’t know why we’re still arguing about this in 2019.

I like Julia Garner in Ozark, but what about Hiam Abbass, who plays Logan’s wife Marcia? She’s incredible and you know she’s got secrets.

Or J Smith-Cameron as Gerri, the savvy, underappreciated company loyalist?

Outstanding offer to eat a sausage:
Outstanding directing for a drama series:

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, Game of Thrones

David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Miguel Sapochnik, Game of Thrones

Lisa Bruhlmann, Killing Eve 

Jason Bateman, Ozark

Adam McKay, Succession

Daina Reid, The Handmaid’s Tale

Now we’re talking. Adam McKay! He only directed one episode of Succession but he's also an executive producer. You can feel his contempt for the corrupt and powerful all over this show.

Whereas the Game of Thrones guys made Bran the king. Bran! After 10 years of him leering at people like a creep, they put him on the iron throne even though there were literally 37 more popular characters standing around him at the time. Bullspit.

Look at this guy:

Lighten up, Bran. Jesus.

Featured Image: HBO