Rugby Is Better Than The Miserable Football Code You Love
I’m upset that the hype train for the game I love is virtually non-existent.
When I excitedly tell people that the World Cup is almost underway, I usually get a response like "Is that the same thing as the State of Origin?"
No, mate. Just no.
But whilst they don’t care one iota about rugby down south, even in NSW and QLD, rugby union lags behind the other footy codes in popularity, which I think is criminal. I mean I don’t want to oversell it, but I think rugby is the best thing that has ever been invented in the history of everything.
To put it as simply and as respectfully as I can: if you don’t love rugby, then you’re not only wrong, but dumb and wrong.
So allow me to change your mind and convince you why rugby is better than every other code of football, so we can all get psyched for the World Cup and get this hype train moving!
RUGBY vs SOCCER
Soccer is a great game. It’s easy to follow even for a novice: kick the ball in the net and try to stop the other guys from doing the same. But after watching 90 straight minutes of scoreless passing it can get a tad boring (read: I want to gouge my eyes out).
Sure, it can be thrilling with a penalty shootout, or a high-scoring match, but you are just as likely to see a 1-0 stinker, or even worse than that: the dreaded draw. Draws are awful for everyone. You don’t get the high from winning, and you don’t get the cathartic release of blaming the ref for your defeat. You’re left with nothing but a sense of regret for wasting 90 minutes that could have been better spent reading old emails from your ex.
I’ve seen drawn games, and I’ve also been hospitalised for meningitis. Draws are worse. With rugby, these are few and far between, but even when they happen, at least you got some bloody points on the board.
RUGBY vs AFL
Someone took the advice that soccer was too low-scoring and went in the total opposite direction with Australian Rules football. Don’t want a nil-all draw? Well AFL has got you covered with THREE THOUSAND POINTS EVERY TEN SECONDS.
Ok maybe that’s an exaggeration, but whereas soccer at least builds tension and anticipation, AFL just chucks points in your face over and over without giving you a chance to even appreciate them.
Rugby has the perfect ratio of points to play. When it comes to points on the board, soccer is a soup kitchen, rugby is a nice pub meal, and AFL is an all-you-can-eat restaurant where they are out of everything except desert bar toppings and you’re sitting at your table guzzling away at some choccie syrup wishing for just a shred of lettuce.
But rugby also beats AFL in terms of wacky rules. Rugby has a lot of nice set-pieces: line-outs, scrums, driving mauls etc, whereas AFL is like watching a sport made up by an overly enthusiastic 11-year-old who’s had too much red cordial.
"DAD! DAD! IT’S THE COOLEST GAME! It’s called mega ball, and you gotta bounce it but also kick it, and then you have to pass it but only by punching the ball and the floppy hat man slams the ball down in the middle and there’s eight posts and and... "
"Calm down son, just cool it buddy."
So you have what looks like a bunch of daggy dads from the late '80s in singlets and short-shorts running around bouncing and kicking and falling all over each other. They should just call the sport "Big Aussie Scramble" and play the Benny Hill theme under it.
RUGBY vs RUGBY LEAGUE
Those down south don’t actually know there is a difference between these two codes, but there is. They’re very similar but it would take too long to go into detail as to how they are different so it can be best described in metaphor:
If rugby union is a great coffee made by your favourite barista, then rugby league is a decaf that you bought at 1am at a dodgy servo for 50 cents. Good enough if you have no options but it’s worse in every way. Also you might get injured.
So there it is. According to me, rugby is officially the best code of football there is. And if you’re a fan of one of those other codes and you’re a bit upset about my analysis, just remember: you’re objectively wrong and you suck.
BRING ON THE WORLD CUP AND GO THE MIGHTY ALL BLACKS!
Network 10 is the FTA broadcasting partner for the Rugby World Cup 2019 in Japan, airing from Friday 20 September.
We'll be showing all Wallabies matches, starting with their opener against Fiji this Saturday afternoon, September 21.