For many people – fathers, mainly – Father’s Day is the most important time of the year.
It's a time for families to give fathers presents and celebrate them because they are the best thing that anyone can be: a father.
And yet every year, countless families completely blow it when it comes to celebrating these fathers, handing out lame, depressing gifts that go right in the trash, where they belong.
Ties, Andre Rieu CDs, home weight lifting equipment that only focuses on the lower body… Father’s Day gift-giving has become a field of nightmares, frustrating the gift giver and infuriating the recipient.
Does this sound like you and your family? Of course it does. Shame on you.
The good news is that there’s hope.
I have taken the liberty of literally saving your family by putting together a Father’s Day gift guide that’s solely inspired by the kind of terrifying stock photos used by websites everywhere.
It might seem counterintuitive to seek gift inspiration from such a horrifying source, but if you clicked on this article, you’re probably so desperate that you’ll try anything.
In that case, welcome!
I encourage you to buy all of these gifts for the father in your life. I will be shocked -- shocked! -- if he doesn’t love them. And on the off chance he doesn’t love them, it might be useful to remind him that the world is awash in catastrophe. Time for some perspective, fella. Seriously.
On with the gift guide!
A box that Dad’s not allowed to look directly at because of its blinding mystical powers
A striped tie that looks like it’s just been worn -- but by whom? And when? No one will ever know…
A pretend moustache from the 1920s plus a bow-tie and a shirt and tie combo that can not be worn by a human
A box that, when looked upon directly, causes ceaseless maniacal laughter
A much needed jab in the eye with a paint brush
For the Dad who has no shirt… balloons and a snail drawing. Or is it a turkey? Doesn't matter. Where is this guy's shirt?!
Prevent Dad from blowing a hole in the space-time continuum by looking at these depressing flowers
For the love of God, do not let Dad look at THE BOX...
Look at what THE BOX did to poor Cameron Diaz:
A giant, boulder-sized golf ball...
... that is guaranteed to crush Dad if he’s not careful
A medal for wearing the same vest every day for the last 85 years
Please get help from a family member to prevent Dad from looking at this BOX
A stern baseball that reminds a Dad with Memento-style memory problems of his parental responsibilities
A pointless flower is often a better option than the uncontainable power of THE BOX