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Coal's Adorable Re-Brand Will Melt The Iciest Of Aussie Hearts

There’s nothing more inspiring than a band of little Aussie battlers taking the initiative and being proactive in an attempt to bring about a better world.

No better example of this could be found than the organisation COAL21, a body devoted to researching low-emission coal technologies, which is set to launch a multimillion-dollar advertising campaign to make Australians feel “proud about coal”.

Is that not heartwarming? Do you not get a thrill from seeing ordinary citizens banding together to change hearts and minds? It’s like a new day is dawning, when even coal lobbyists get to have their say in the public sphere. The only troubling part of the news is that COAL21 chief executive Mark McCallum has said of the campaign, “We are not sure exactly what the focus of it is to be”.

Well, they better get on that, because the campaign is due to be rolled out next month, so getting some certainty on what’s going to be in it is a priority.

Fortunately, I am both completely on board with COAL21, and willing to provide, for free, my marketing expertise to make some helpful suggestions as to how to proceed.

First of all, the “focus” of the campaign should be simple and elegant: the essential message that coal, like any other fuel, has feelings, and those feelings are hurt when it sees us badmouthing and slurring it in the popular press. “You wouldn’t call your infant daughter a blight on the planet: why would you do it to coal?” is very much the central theme here.

READ MORE: Dear Mr Morrison, Can We Remind You About The Problems With Coal?

There should probably be some kind of statistical reference showing the increasing prevalence of depression and anxiety among coal industry executives since the late '90s when climate change was invented by China.

If we don't slow the rise dramatically, we'll be at crisis point. (Image: Getty)

But obviously an advertising campaign needs more than just a powerful message. It’s all about getting people’s attention, and holding it. It’s not enough to simply have a man in a suit hold up a piece of coal and say, “I love you”: we need a bit of razzle-dazzle. Or to put it another way, what we need is a cartoon character called Thermy, a wacky fellow made entirely out of coal, who is forever getting into scrapes but whose heart is very much in the right place.

READ MORE: Scott Morrison On That Time He Carted Coal Into Parliament

Introducing Thermy, the friendly coal-monster who fights political correctness. (Image: Getty)

Thermy’s adorable antics are just what is needed to win hearts around the nation, especially the younger generation who are so into computer-generated animation nowadays. How could anyone be opposed to coal after seeing Thermy’s whimsical capering, watching him learn important lessons about friendship, self-esteem and the capture of mainstream media by radical communist activists?

READ MORE: I'm Taking Two Hours Off School To Teach Scott Morrison A Climate Lesson

The episode when Thermy’s friends are trapped in Sarah Hanson-Young’s ice prison, but he saves them by burning his own face off, will be especially poignant.

I move that we replace coal-fired plants with kitten-fired energy. (Image: Getty)

This shouldn’t be a one-dimensional campaign, though: Thermy is merely the head of the feel-good coal spear. He needs to be backed up with educational resources. Every school should be sent a comprehensive information pack, with lesson plans to help teachers better inform their students about the importance of coal to our way of life.

READ MORE: When It Comes To Coal, Australia Is Showing The World We're Going 'Back To Black'

These lessons should include things like the many dangerous predatory animals that would pose a threat to us all if it weren’t for habitat loss caused by coal mining development; and of course various delicious recipes that students can make at home using coal. Obviously the information packs will also come with cuddly plush coal nuggets for the littlies to hug in bed.

I love you, Thermy. Let's read about the evils of wind farms. (Image: Getty)

Then of course there is the attack component of the campaign. It’s important that COAL21 identify the enemies of coal (Greens, Labor, Swedish teenagers, Leonardo DiCaprio etc) and go hard on them. The moral turpitude of coal-haters must be emphasised: for example, did you know that without coal, there would be no electricity? And without electricity, there would be no microphones? And without microphones, we wouldn’t even be able to HEAR Greta Thunberg?

READ MORE: Greta Thunberg Hits Back At 'Low Blow' From Andrew Bolt

So in effect, she uses COAL to tell us how much she hates coal! Is that not astounding hypocrisy? Shouldn’t people be made aware of that? Another example: coal comes from the GROUND, yet the Greens Party headquarters is actually BUILT on the ground! Once a series of full-page ads and radio spots are released drawing these connections, there can be no doubt the tide will turn in terms of anti-coal sentiment.

If you squint, those microphones even look like coal. (Image: Getty)

So, essentially, a three-pronged approach:

  • Appeal to emotions by promoting the fun adventures of Thermy, the friendly coal-monster who fights political correctness with his fiery seams
  • Direct infiltration of schools to teach children how coal saves lives
  • Attack ads revealing the secret Greens plan to replace coal-fired power plants with kitten-fired energy.

With these elements in place, the COAL21 campaign will be well on the way to convincing all Australians that the future is black and dusty.

Good luck, guys!