Clementine Ford: My 5 Favourite Sex Toys (Batteries Not Included)

For those of us with vaginas, the orgasm gap is staggeringly high.

A recent study in Psychology Today revealed that 10-40 percent of women still have difficulty climaxing. We may have moved beyond the trope of Meg Ryan faking it in a diner, but the fact remains that women still aren’t getting their buzz on. So what better way to reverse that than for women to literally get their buzz on?

READ MORE: The History Of Vibrators Is A Bit Of A Buzz

Vagina owners and vagina lovers! Here, in no particular order, is your guide to some of the very best sex toys on the market. When I say ‘best’, you should know that this list has been scientifically curated from my own collection.

Basically, these are just my favourites. They may not be your taste, which is totally fine. Don’t @ me or email me, unless it’s to offer further recommendations. I will not be taking questions at this time.

1. Foreo Luna 3 facial cleansing brush

The Foreo is just one of a long line of similar products that is sold as a ‘facial cleansing brush’, which is the biggest nudge-nudge-wink-wink since electronics stores started selling women ‘back massagers’.

The textured Foreo and its equivalents are smaller than your palm and are designed to use in the shower where they work by vibrating. This thing is a straight up clitoral stimulator, and if you didn’t see that then you’re still probably using your electric toothbrush to clean your teeth.

I don’t know if it works on your face, because honestly I have never tried.

Orgasm rating: 3 / 5

2. Tor 2 

The Lelo website describes this as “a comfortable and perfectly-fitting vibrating couple’s ring worn by men when making love”, which is floral speak for “it’s a buzzing c*ck-ring”.

No matter how you want to talk about it, it’s good -- and it’s the kind of good that definitely doesn’t need to be limited to use only with a penis.

Those of us with clitorises (clitori? clitterati?) shouldn’t ever consider the stimulation of those power zones as a bonus to the ‘main event’, especially when heteropatriarchy more often than not considers the main event to be bad, short sex that finishes when he does.

Orgasm rating: 3.5 / 5

3. Fingersmith

Not everyone can get themselves off using just their own hands and fingers (or somebody else’s) but that’s no reason not to keep practising!

I started masturbating when I was 12, with no expectations or motivation other than basic adolescent horniness and curiosity, but it’s not exactly encouraged in girls the way it’s expected in boys. Look at the uproar when critics of Safe Schools tried to pretend girls were going to be taught how to use dildos!

Also, not a bad idea tbh. Until then, get back to basics with some lube, your own hand and your own imagination (or your choice of ethically purchased porn).

Orgasm rating: 4 / 5

4. Satisfyer Pro 2

The clue, reader, is in the name.

Emily Writes gave a fitting tribute to this spectacular device in a recent column for The Spinoff and can I just say co-sign to infinity and beyond. This toy is MAJESTICAL. It’s a clitoral stimulator that acts slightly differently to a vibrator, using pulses rather than vibration to drag intense and powerful orgasms out of even the most reluctant clitoral outposts.

The first time I used this, I had an almost religious experience.

I consider myself to be an expert at self pleasure, but this was next level. Since then, everyone I’ve recommended it to has contacted me almost immediately following their first use to thank me in crazed tones.

The best part is that it’s infinitely more affordable than most sex toys! Your clitoris basically can’t afford for you to say no.

Orgasm rating: 4.5 / 5

5. Womanizer Duo

But if it’s yes (and yes, yes, yes) you want to say, you can’t go past the crème de la crème of vaginal/clitoral sex toys: the Womanizer Duo.

It’s a vibrating dildo and clitoral pulsing stimulator all in one and holy mother of earth WOW. Now, full disclosure, I was sent this toy by a PR company. I wasn’t initially confident, because I’d tried something similar in the Satisfyer line and found the angles and alignment to be all wrong.

Those concerns were quickly allayed once I turned this powerful bitch on and came in about 10 seconds flat.

Seriously. IT IS THAT GOOD.

It’s easy to drive (in fact, you can drive it hands-free), waterproof and with multiple different settings so you can really fine-tune your experience.

At approximately $300, it’s definitely not cheap. But it’s a brilliant all-in-one experience that delivers an intense build-up and dramatic conclusion. If you can afford it, it’s absolutely worth it. If you can’t, the Satisfyer Pro 2 is a more than suitable substitute.

Orgasm rating: 10 / 5

So there you have it. Climate change is real. Gender inequality persists. The gap between the rich and the poor grows. Empathy in federal leadership is non-existent.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s never been a better time to invest in an arsenal of sex toys.

READ MORE: NSFW: These Are The Sex Toys Horny Aussies Can't Stop Using

At the very least, we can take care of our downstairs in a way that provides momentary relief from the fact the government is f**king us all very, very badly.

This article first appeared on August 1, 2019.