Other Than Disney World, Here’s A List Of Places Child-Free Adults Should Be Banned
People who know me know that I am a parent -- and that means I’m one of the most important people on the planet.
I know this because I suddenly feel VERY free to tell other people what to do, especially when children are involved. It’s like that thing where mothers get supernatural strength from adrenaline and can suddenly lift cars and compete in keg throwing competitions.
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So I was extremely excited about the Facebook post from a mother complaining about childless couples at Disney World.
Finally! Someone had the courage to say what we’ve all been thinking. If you’re not with a child and you go to a place that is meant to entertain children, you are a creep. There. Done.
And creeps shouldn't be allowed in places like Disney World. BAN THEM.
But don’t stop at theme parks. Ban them from these other places too because, frankly, I’m a parent and I’ve had it.
I went to see the Pokémon movie with my eight-year-old son. I don’t remember what it’s called. I hate that stuff. Hate it.
Anyway he’s eight so he was super excited about it. You know who else was excited about it? The crowds of 20-somethings cheering and laughing at references I didn’t understand because I didn’t grow up with this stuff. It was alienating and upsetting and it wasn't right.
What were these adults doing in a kids' movie? Celebrate your nostalgia somewhere else -- not when I’m trying to be a good father to MY CHILD. Because I'm a parent. And that's more important than your "entertainment".
Restaurants between 5 and 6.30pm
Parents of small children have to eat early. We don’t want to do it. We have to. Because we have to feed the kids, bathe them, then put them to bed by 7.30pm at the latest.
And if we want to see a bit of the outside world and God forbid go to a restaurant, we have to be there early.
So the first rule should be that all restaurants need to be open at 5.
No exceptions. It makes sense for them to do it financially and ethically. I don’t want to have to remind all restaurants that I am a parent and I’m in charge of the future of humanity. Open at 5. That’s it.
Even the fancy places. When am I supposed to go to a fancy restaurant? On the weekend? So I have to get a babysitter and pay roughly $5,400 for a night of dinner and a movie. I don’t think so.
All these places should prevent childless adults from entering before 6.30.
I do NOT want to have to deal with judgment from people without children that my children are animals incapable of controlling themselves in public. I don’t need the stares and I don’t need the muttering. You have something to say, say it to my face –- after 6.30, when I’m not there because I don’t want to hear it.
Oh, you want some quiet time while you eat? You want a romantic dinner because you really like this person you’re with? Come after 6.30.
Besides, no one is going to truly love you if you take them to dinner before 6.30. That’s weird. Don’t do it. Also, you don’t have to be there before 6.30. I don’t care if you’re trying to catch a movie or a space shuttle –- you can go to a restaurant whenever you want. I can’t. It's time to learn the meaning of sacrifice.
Come on. This should be obvious. If I have to explain it to you, you’re probably on a watchlist somewhere.
Outdoor Basketball Courts
Look at yourself. You’ve never taken basketball seriously. You wildly flail your limbs with every heave of the ball and it looks like you might have a heart attack any second. Why are you taking up space on a basketball court while my children and I are just standing there? What are you doing?
I have two hours to get these kids tired so they can eat and fall asleep at a normal hour, but you’re throwing layups over the backboard. Go pay to play on an indoor court like an adult.
Well, that's the whole list!
Oh wait, also these places:
One of those gross places where kids take off their shoes and launch themselves onto climbing structures
Anything that can be described as a “rainy day activity”
A skydiving place
Any museum holding a special Star Wars exhibition (why are you still obsessed with Star Wars?)
One of those axe throwing places
The Apple Store
The Opera House
The Go Kart Track
I am sure there’s some room for nuance in this discussion but I can’t see it so I won’t be compromising on this list. It isn’t even that long! How hard could it be to avoid Laser Tag?
And anyway I don’t know why you’d want to fight me on this. If I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near them. Put them away, that would be my motto.
That said, kids are the future. And I’m a parent, trying to protect that future. For you. And for me. That’s all. No big deal.
Featured Image: Getty