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I'm Starting A GoFundMe For Barnaby Joyce

Friends, you know me: I am not normally the type to get involved in charitable enterprises, as I think it discourages individual responsibility.

But sometimes you hear of a cause that is just so worthy you wouldn’t feel right unless you did something to help, and for me, this is that cause. That’s why I’m asking you today to donate to my GoFundMe To Keep Barnaby Joyce In The Manner To Which He Is Accustomed.

First, let me tell you about Barnaby. He is one of the friendliest, most adorable little guys you’d ever meet: eager to please, always ready with a smile and an agricultural analogy. But Barnaby’s been doing it tough lately: first he found himself with two families to support for no other reason than his own deliberate choices; then he found himself dismissed from his highly-paid job, and now has no means of support other than another highly-paid job.

Doing it tough. (Image: AAP)

If things don’t improve for Barnaby soon, he may have to apply for Newstart, a payment which latest figures show is almost as meagre as a parliamentary pension. Indeed, it was his current dire straits which forced him to acknowledge the inadequacy of Newstart, for as Barnaby has now recognised, if being unemployed can make a person as destitute as a backbench MP, something must be done.

READ MORE: Barnaby Joyce Says Money Is Tight While Supporting Two Families

Let me give you an idea of how much Barnaby is struggling right now: by his own account, these days he has to butcher his own sheep. Can you imagine being that hard up? Don’t you see something pretty messed-up about a system that requires backbench MPs to butcher sheep with no real explanation as to why? At least on the dole all you need to do is fill out a diary, you don’t have to kill anything.

Now Barnaby doesn’t like to complain, but despite this he has overcome his personal dislike and done it anyway, and I feel like it’s up to us, the public, to be there for him just as he’s been there for us over the years.

Remember that he has recently publicly stated that he believes unemployment would be quite tricky, so you can’t deny the man’s compassion -- as soon as he realised that not having money wasn’t much fun for him, he intuitively guessed that it wouldn’t be much fun for someone else either. To admit, as he has, that people require money to live, shows an amazing generosity of spirit: won’t you return it in kind?

It might seem that returning Barnaby to the lifestyle he’s used to will take an enormous amount of money, but every little bit helps. A donation of just $2500 will allow Barnaby to purchase a second smart fridge. A mere $1000 will buy him a wine-tasting weekend in the Hunter Valley. And even smaller donations can make a big difference: $300 is enough to get Barnaby a Baccarat Damashiro 9-piece knife block, which will come in very handy when butchering those sheep.

READ MORE: If Dole Bludgers Die, They Should Have Gotten A Job, Right?

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Heck, a mere $100 will buy Barnaby and his lovely partner Vikki a nice night out at a Gold Class cinema. And don’t we all need a night out every now and then? If someone else throws in 50 bucks Barnaby can also get some nice scented soap so he doesn’t have to go to the movies covered in sheep blood.

Best GoFundMe ever! (Image: AAP/Getty)

Can you really not spare 50 bucks? Newstart recipients get nearly $300 dollars a week, so forgive me if that doesn’t wash with me. Surely you can fork over a bit of that job-seeking largesse to help the less fortunate. You know that if Barnaby could give to you, he would: it’s just that he can’t because he’s an MP.

Let’s make it clear: this isn’t one of those GoFundMes that tries to scam cash out of gullible people to fund dubious ventures. This is a simple case of a former Federal Minister having to buy off-brand groceries due to the vicissitudes of fate, and a concerned citizen calling on his fellow Australians to demonstrate that famed Aussie generosity and help a little battler out.

When I look at Barnaby Joyce, I don’t see his politics: I see his humanity. I see a simple rural accountant who just wants to live a quiet life with his family and also his other family, but who is finding it increasingly difficult to do that, due to the crushing pressure of a spiralling cost of living.

What with private school fees, nappies, wardrobe maintenance, moisturiser and hayfever medication, there is precious little left over for a man totally reliant on just a $200,000+ salary with travel, accommodation and meal allowances. It’s up to us to make up the shortfall -- if we truly care about giving a bloke a “fair go”.

READ MORE: Labor Says 'Bells Are Ringing For Newstart Payment Raise

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Obviously, in this day and age, I don’t expect anyone to donate money without the prospect of seeing someone perform a meaningless yet gruelling physical challenge. And this is why, in order to win support for this GoFundMe, I will be embarking on the Give Barnaby A Buck Tour, in which I will walk along the entirety of Australia’s coastline while wearing stilts. If you see me wobbling past your place, give me a wave! But more importantly: give Barnaby a buck. Or preferably 10,000 or so of them: that’s what his preferred brand of flat-screen is currently going for at JB.

Please give generously. (Image: Getty)

After all, we know how keen Barnaby -- and his government -- are on providing for anyone who has fallen on hard times.