We've Got A Much Better AFL Idea Than 'Behavioural Awareness Officers'
Last weekend we saw so-called 'Behavioural Awareness Officers' patrolling Marvel Stadium, threatening to remove anyone who had the audacity to barrack passionately for their team.
Footy fans could not believe the heavy-handed surveillance, and after AFL boss Gillon McLachlan’s wishy-washy press conference on Tuesday, it seems doubtful anything will change soon.
So how should fans react?
Well, there's a strong argument that we need to fight fire with fire, and that’s why I propose the introduction of an entirely new squad of officers.
Instead of ejecting over-exuberant fans, this new elite outfit will weed out football administrators or stadium bosses who have REALLY STUPID IDEAS.
The new force will be called the Administrator Stupidity Squad, or ASS for short.
Yes, the ASS will patrol boardroom meetings and forcibly eject any administrator whose ideas are absolute clangers.
Changing perfectly good rules? Dzzzzz! You just got your ASS ejected by the ASS Squad.
Yet another twilight Grand Final proposal? Dzzzz! You’re so out of touch, you should actually go and work in government.
Yes, the brave officers of the ASS Squad will not rest until every stupid administrative idea has been ejected.
Look, no one’s saying we haven’t seen appalling crowd behaviour at times this year. Fighting, swearing, supporting Collingwood, you name it.
But the vast majority of fans are passionate, well-behaved and do NOT appreciate being treated like criminals.
So for now, let’s all calm down.
And if the over-surveillance continues, well, it might be time to consider an even more elite, crack unit specifically targeting Gillon McLachlan.
This one should be called the AFL Overthrow Gillon Squad... or AFLOG for short.
Read into that name what you like.