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Tanya Hennessy: 'Harry Potter' Is Proof J.K. Rowling Knows Nothing About Teenagers

I might be the only 'Harry Potter' fan who is annoyed by the announcement that J.K. Rowling is releasing four brand new stories in the magical series.

Rowling says these new instalments will “take you back in time once again to learn about the traditional folklore and magic at the heart of the 'Harry Potter' stories”, providing insight on various subjects learned at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, including Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Herbology, Divination, Astronomy, and Care of Magical Creatures.

But if they are like the last seven books, I need to have a sit-down with old mate J.K. to clear some things up.

Was J.K Rowling ever a teenager? Image: Getty

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I have been sick with the flu for literally five effing months, and it has given me an excuse to fill my time by watching all eight 'Harry Potter' movies back to back. I have read all the books twice (because I’m a huge nerd) -- but watching these movies as an adult in 2019, I have so many issues with the writing of the teenage characters.

Seriously, was J.K. Rowling ever a teenager? Has she met any teenagers? Nothing is relatable about any of the teenagers in the series.

For example:

  • They say “Merlin’s Beard” or “Oh Gosh”. Ah, yeah, NO TEENAGER talks like that. When I was a teenager, my mouth was washed out with soap because everything I said rhymed with duck.
  • Harry and his bestie Ron Weasley never call each other by stupid and offensive nicknames, like Pothead or Onion ('cause Ron cries heaps).
  • They never talk about masturbating. What teenage boy isn’t consumed with touching himself?
  • Also, they don’t ask or look up any charms to watch porn. Seriously, they are teenage boys away from home!
C'mon, Harry, what were you really doing in there?
  • Oh, and they don’t use magic to see boobs?!
  • They never use magic to calm their in-class erections. That would've happened if these stories were realistic. In fact, what would have been a great book -- 'Harry Potter and the Unwanted Stiffy'.
  • They don’t mumble or speak under their breath and just say “ugh” or "eh" and leave the house annoyed.
  • They don’t use magic to do dumb stuff like surf in the lake, grow more facial hair or see into the girls' toilets.
  • They never stay up late playing 'Fortnite' and then wake up at 12 pm the next day.
  • For teenage boys, their dorms in Hogwarts are strangely clean and tidy. What teenage boy cleans? Also, the bins aren’t full of tissues.

As for Hermione...

  • Why doesn’t she go through a weird ugly teenage phase? Every teenager goes through that phase where they decide they are indie, then emo, then preppy…then really into the environment so they use a crystal as deodorant. She never looks bad or even has acne… UNREALISTIC!
  • She has no hormonal moustache -- or was that just my teenage experience?
  • She never talks about her period pain or if there's a way to magic away your PMS... I wanna know these things!
  • She has no irrational fights with her mum about the fact that she “NEEDS" that Billabong pencil case and a bandage dress.
  • She never plays loud music and yells “You’re not my real family!”
  • Why doesn’t she use a box of supermarket hair dye to make it turn that weird orange colour? (You know, that colour your hair goes when it's brown and you bleach it blonde and it goes a gross orange...)

Also, none of them hang out at Westfield together doing absolutely nothing…

J.K., I love you. But seriously... have you ever meet a teenager? Please rewrite the 'Harry Potter' teens in a more realistic, relatable way.

Also please consider my name for a book.

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