Clementine Ford: A Blow-By-Blow Account Of What Will Happen On Election Day
You head to your local primary school early to avoid the crowds.
Below the line there’s a crowd.
It’s a very big crowd.
Someone tweets angrily about the lack of democracy sausages at their polling booth.
You discover your polling booth has no democracy sausages.
You vote in another electorate just to have a democracy sausage.
The line is even longer at this school, but at least you have a sausage.
You yell at the One Nation volunteer at the polling booth (this is a political obligation).
Someone gives you the thumbs up for yelling at the One Nation volunteer.
You follow each other on Twitter.
You finally vote.
You Instagram a photo of yourself holding a democracy sausage with your middle finger pointed at the One Nation volunteer and caption it “Just voted!”
You tell everyone you voted below the line but it’s possible you’re lying.
Buy another sausage for the long walk home.
Refresh Twitter every five seconds to see if there’s any exit poll news.
Retweet something clever Brocklesnitch has said about democracy sausages and heteronormativity.
Call Mark Latham a loser.
Somehow get lost in a 5000-word article on Buzzfeed about the latest feud between beauty influencers on YouTube.
Learn how to create the perfect smokey eye.
Check Twitter for the exit polls.
Kerri-Anne Kennerley tweets a photo of herself from a well-stocked bunker preparing for the end times #undergroundglamping.
Kerri-Anne Kennerley trends on Twitter.
THE VIEWING PARTY
Sit as close to the TV as possible so you can’t miss a single word.
Take a series of selfies of your new smokey eye and Instagram the most casual looking one with the caption, “LET’S DO THIS AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!”
Your sexist uncle turns up in his Make Australia Great Again cap and talks loudly about how there would be more women in government if they just tried harder.
The election coverage begins in earnest.
Sexist Uncle insists on flipping the channel to Sky News.
Sexist Uncle cheers when Sky’s panel of old white men and a token blonde woman talk about the need to privatise the ABC.
A National (not the woman one) calls for a Royal Commission into GetUp!
Insist on flipping back to the ABC for coverage from people whose souls haven’t been consigned to Beelzebub for all of eternity.
Antony Green’s graphics fail.
Your mother talks about how Antony Green could “analyse her marginal seats any day”.
Your aunt agrees that Antony Green is very handsome and could “call her election whenever he likes”.
Your godmother concurs that Antony Green has a raffish charm to him and she would be happy to have him “predict her electoral swing if he wants”.
You tweet about how the Antony Green thirst is real.
You see a tweet asking why we can’t have Jacinda as Prime Minister.
You think to yourself, why can’t we have Jacinda as Prime Minister?
You write to Jacinda and ask her to be our Prime Minister.
Bill Shorten appears on screen flanked by at least four women to prove the Labor party doesn’t have a problem with women in leadership.
The Liberal party openly denies having a problem with women in leadership, but can find no women anywhere to participate in a staged photograph.
Tony Abbott is filmed doing that weird and creepy lizard thing with his tongue that makes you wonder if this is how they stay hydrated back on his home planet.
Pauline Hanson demonstrates how completely she misunderstands the electoral process, and indeed the world in general.
The Liberal party takes credit for marriage equality.
Queer Twitter explodes.
Sexist Uncle wrestles the remote and flicks back to the muppet show on Sky.
Chris Kenny crosses to a harbourside mansion in Balmain to speak with two people named Janine and Greg about how the loss of their franking credits is going to impact them.
Check Instagram stories for other people’s viewing party hijinks.
See that Dean from #MAFS has made a video about how the new government should launch a Royal Commission into Channel Nine and its treatment of reality show contestants.
Leave a comment telling Dean to get over it.
Dean blocks you.
Check Twitter for the exit polls.
See Van Badham has tweeted in all caps about how THE GREENS ARE TERRIBLE.
Van Badham is trending.
Antony Green is calling the election.
Peter Dutton loses his seat.
Tony Abbott loses his seat.
Josh Frydenberg loses his seat.
Someone on Sky News refers to the victors in the above electorates as ‘independent insurgents’.
Andrew Bolt pens a furious blog post (his sixth of the evening) about how Lefties, Greenies and feminists have ushered in a terrifying new Australia.
Check Twitter for celebratory tweets.
Call Mark Latham a loser again.
Go to bed ecstatic and ready to welcome a new dawn.
Wake up with a crushing hangover and the sense that probably not that much has changed at all, because at the end of the day most politicians govern with power in mind and not people and mothers are still going to be forced onto punitive welfare programs, welfare recipients in general are still going to be living below the poverty line, Aboriginal people are still being killed in custody and the general make-up of the Parliament is still inherently pale, stale and male.
Enter a deep and unrelenting existential crisis that lasts for the next three years.