There Are 11 Types Of Voter. Which One Are You?
What’s more important -- who you vote for, or how you vote?
With election weekend right around the corner, Aussies are getting set to flock to the polls in record numbers, poised to pick not only the 46th Parliament, but to send either Shorten or ScoMo straight to the Lodge. But forget policies, parties and politicians -- the day is all about YOU. The voter. Specifically, how you vote.
There are only 11 possible ways, making you one of 11 possible types. But which one are you?
1. The Pre-Poll Voter
Anyone who votes early is supposed to have a good reason to explain why they can’t make it on election day. Driving across the Nullarbor, for example, or having an elective caesarean, or being in jail. But almost a quarter of Australians voted at a pre-poll station in the 2016 federal election. Come on! As if that many people were genuinely unavailable. More likely reasons for voting prematurely:
- Might run into ex/mistress
- Will be too drunk/hungover
- Peer pressure
- Aldi special buys -- ski gear day
- All of the above
2. The Virgin Voter
The Virgin Voter is SO cute. They’re kind of excited but also a bit nervous, and it’s #literallysooldschool that they have to vote AT THEIR OLD SCHOOL which has definitely shrunk -- like, look how low the bubblers are.
They glance around suspiciously as they get their name marked off the roll, but not because they’re trying to pull a shifty and vote more than once -- they’re just worried Mr Rankin might walk in and shout “Oi, tuck that shirt in!”
3. The Rigid Voter
The Rigid Voter doesn’t need to listen to the news or hear politicians speak or read about budget promises. No. They’ve had a cheese sandwich for lunch every single day for the past 30 years, and they’re not about to swap to Vegemite or salad or jam any time soon. Cheese is just fine, thank you, and so is their unchanging political opinion.
4. The Swinging Voter
There are two sub-categories here: The True Swinger and The Potential Swinger. The True Swinger is the kind of person who never watches a television program all the way through because there might be something better on another channel. Who has different colour hair every time you see them. Who has tried being vegan, paleo, gluten-free, sugar-free and pescetarian. On election day, they don’t make their final decision until they’re standing at the cardboard booth, pencil in hand.
The Potential Swinger claims to be a swinging voter but has in fact voted the same way since 1983.
5. The Uninformed Voter
Why do we get two bits of paper? Where’s the House of Representatives? What does ALP stand for? How do I get an invite to all these parties? Yes -- the Uninformed Voter is statistically most likely to number the Lower House candidates in order, from top to bottom. Because WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?
They’re also probably going to mess up the Senate ballot paper -- especially now that voters are meant to “number at least six boxes above the line for the parties or groups of your choice, or number at least 12 boxes below the line for individual candidates of your choice.” (Tip: pack an eraser.)
6. The Informed Voter
You know the type: you’ll be having a deep conversation about cheese or library books or something, but they’ll somehow manage to bring up Darren Chester or Amanda Rishworth or Mehreen Faruqi. Always tenuous segues: “Grana Padano? Oh, I thought you said Adani! How about that Melissa Price, eh?” The Informed Voter definitely knows their (obscure) political stuff. (They might still mess up their Senate ballot paper, though.)
7. THE DONKEY VOTER
These voters are true egalitarians. They dislike all political parties equally. Anarchy would be better. Or a Dictatorship. One or the other. But this democracy bullshit -- well, it’s bullshit! Unfortunately, The Donkey Voter enrolled to vote before they realised they were so anti-voting. So what do they do? They add “Pedro” to the bottom of the candidate list and vote for him.
Then -- just to stick it to The Man -- they write “YOUR ALL C#NTS” in the margin. (This doesn’t actually stick it to The Man, it just offends a handful of ballot-paper counters.)
8. The Democracy-Sausage Voter
This rare voter spends the weeks leading up to the election doing research. Venue research. Which polling places will be holding sausage sizzles? What about cake stalls? Where will I find a mobile coffee van? The Democracy-Sausage Voter couldn’t care less about the two-party preferred stats; two-sausage preferred is far more important (think beef BBQ / kransky).
Fortunately, there’s now a website dedicated to election day food stalls, which means all the Democracy-Sausage Voter has to do this year is decide if they’re going to eat their bun like a normal person or do a Bill Shorten.
9. The I-Might-Vote-Like-My-Parents-But-That’s-Just-A-Coincidence-I’m-Not-Like-Them-I-Make-My-Own-Choices-And-Have-My-Own-Views Voter
The majority of Australians.
10. The Celebrity Voter
I mean, how do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger got to be governor of California? What about Clint Eastwood and Ronald Reagan? That’s right -- they all got the Celebrity Voter vote. Comedian Volodymyr Zelensky has just been elected president of Ukraine!
Don’t go thinking this crazy stuff doesn’t happen in Australia. Peter Garrett, anyone? Derryn Hinch? The Celebrity Voter is a sucker for a familiar face and Hollywood charisma. Policies shmolicies.
11. The Late Voter
Picture the opening scene from Four Weddings and a Funeral. That’s what the Late Voter looks like at 5.45pm on election day. Polls close at 6pm. Oh, the drama! How many times will they say “F#ck!”? (Six.) Will the Uber arrive in time? (Just.) How lenient will the election official be? (Not very.) Will they learn their lesson, or do the same thing next election? (Same thing.)