A Letter To My Afterlife Manager

Dear Jemima, If you are reading this, I am dead.

My deepest condolences to you during what I'm sure is an incredibly difficult time. I do hope you find some way to carry on in my absence.

As we've discussed over the years, you are now in charge of all my affairs, and in charge of keeping me alive on the Internet for the rest of time. I do hope you've had some time to prepare for this emotionally, as we have a lot of ground to cover. I hope this letter provides you both a sense of comfort and clarity as you take on this new role.

The Funeral

It is extremely important to me that my funeral is the best party of the year, perhaps even of my existence. I need a proper send off into the afterlife, so I hope we've nailed down a good theme by now. If not, I trust that you will pick something both timeless but current.

Now, instead of a huge photo of myself, I would like you to block-mount and frame the following photo of Mr Bean:

I want people to laugh and have a good time at my funeral, and the image of people mourning while Mr Bean smirks will make me look up on you all and laugh. After the ceremony, please give this poster to my friend Benji and tell him it's my dying wish that he hang it in his home.

The Guest List

Obviously, as one of my closest friends, you know who's on my shitlist currently. That being said, you also know that I'm a Sagittarius and I'm chronically into inviting a ton of people to my events. It will really be a case-by-case basis that will decide who ends up on the final list. As you'll have my passwords, I encourage you to go digging in DMs for any deciding factors one way or another on any people you have questions about.

The Dress Code

This is important. As much as I want people to be having fun at a really lit party for my funeral, I will also need you to enforce a STRICT DRESS CODE. I want DRAMA!!! Here are some examples of acceptable attire:

Please note that it will be strictly all black, no navy or any of this "dark colours" nonsense.

Social Media Hour

As there will be an open casket, I'd like to encourage guests to take one final selfie with me and post it to whatever social media people are using these days, with the hashtag #deathbecomesher.

As guests are arriving, I'd like for there to be cocktails and a cheese platter. Should you need inspiration, let my Oscar cheese board be your guiding light:

Please get one of my friends from hospitality to create a bespoke cocktail for the event, preferably gin or vodka based. It would be nice to have some arancini balls and other snacks circling the event, also.

You'll be able to find the playlist for this event on my Spotify under the title "Putting the Fun in Funeral".

The Ceremony

After the social media and cocktails, it will be time for the ceremony. It's important to me that people remain in a celebratory mood, so only let people speak if they can keep their shit together and remember me for the bad bitch I was. Tales of debauchery, hilarity and adventure are encouraged, and they can wrap it up with one succinct statement that shows what a good person I was, how I impacted their lives, anything that could bring the mood down.

After this, I'd like my friend Bridget to perform a dramatic reading of the poem from the first minute of the All Saints' song "Never Ever".

Please ensure everyone's drink is topped up before I'm lowered into the ground, as I'd like this to happen to a slow, acoustic version of the theme song from Vanderpump Rules, and people need to be able to raise their glass, as this one's for me, tonight.

The Wake

After you've gotten rid of my corpse, please move everyone into the theatre, where the wake will begin. This will include back-to-back screenings of all three Alvin and the Chipmunks squeakquels: Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip, followed by a screening of Titanic. Please ensure that there is food and drink to sustain mourners through this long night.

My Corpse

I would like my remains to be turned into a diamond. However, I also want to have an open casket and to be buried. The simple solution to this? Keep the casket half open, and just chop off my legs. Turn them into diamonds, and hand them out to my closest friends. Please see the attached list of close friends.

My Belongings

Take whatever you want -- my gift from me to you for taking on this task -- and let everyone else fight it out. I'm dead, I don't care!!!

Ongoing Afterlife Care

Social Media

It is your responsibility to make sure I live forever on the internet. This includes but is not limited to:

  • Posting gorgeous and/or funny #TBTs to ensure no one ever f**king forgets me
  • Responding to news in the pop culture sphere as me. Specifically, you will need to stay up-to-date with anything going on with Britney Spears, Vanderpump Rules, and anything else you know to be important to me.
  • Please react to viral trends and memes as me, in fitting with my brand.
  • Join any new social media as me and keep me cool and current in the years to come.
  • Live-tweet the Oscars, VMAs and anything else you see fit as me.
Afterlife trouble-shooting

As we know, the world is ever-changing and things that were acceptable in years gone by are no longer okay in today's cultural climate. I expect this to continue, and I'd appreciate it if you could do regular checks to delete anything deemed problematic in the future from my social media. If necessary, offer an apology to anyone offended, as it was never my intention. 

Please delete my browser histories on all devices and wipe every device entirely before passing it along or selling.

Anyway, that's pretty much it! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to get in contact via Medium or Ouija board. If I think of anything else I'll haunt you sometime!

All my love, and again, sincerest apologies for your loss during this time,


PS Please take care of my plants.

Feature image: Freeform