Things You Should Never Do When You Get Back From Overseas

Christmas is the best time of year.

For a few reasons... you can day-drink, you can be pantless (well you can at my house), you have an excuse to play with children’s toys and the fridge is always full (how great is food?).

But the best part about Christmas time? Holidays.

Holidays mean people travel… which is the worst. Not them going… it’s when they come back that I have an issue with. This isn’t to those who hit up the Big4 Caravan park in Wollongong. This is for anyone who has ever travelled overseas -- not just over the Christmas period.

There are certain travellers who are just the worst. I don’t care if you have been away for 12 months or four weeks, just don’t come back a travel wanker.

If you have been overseas or are about to go overseas, do NOT do these things when you return!

Greet your friends with two kisses on each cheek or say “ciao” instead of goodbye, “bulla” instead of hello or “mahalo” instead of thank you.

This is not okay. Ever. We get it… you went overseas and learnt one word.

Don’t be that wank who tells you how good sangria is in Spain.

We know it’s good. We know you’ve been to Spain, you tell us all the time, especially at San Churro.

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Say passive aggressively, “Ohhhh you liked it there… reallllly. That place was way too touristy for me.”

Or, “I went there before it was touristy and had a more authentic experience. I prefer to get to know the culture and people not just have a touristy experience.”

You’re the worst.

Say, “You don’t know yourself until you’ve travelled”.

Offensive. I've travelled. I have been to Darwin. I saw a man walking a croc on a lead. I’m cultured AF.

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Complain about the inferiority of Australia. “Ugh I hate Australia -- I just want to go back to Bora Bora, it's so much better there, let me tell you why”.

Ah no. Australia is the best. We have Mint Slice here.

Say you “need a holiday from your holiday” -- NOPE.

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Call the Thai or Greek takeaway and speak the three words you know.

Actually, no… do this one, it’s hilarious for us non-travel wankers to hear their reactions to you.

Enjoy your holidays, just don’t do anything on this list and you’ll be accepted back into the country.

PS: This was written from personal experience, I have done everything on this list. I’m sorry to my friends and family for being a travel wanker.

It’s just so hard cause I really found myself in Europe! Let me tell you about it…