The Weird AF Songs Meghan And Harry Shouldn't Sing To Their Bump

If you listen closely, some nursery rhymes are royally messed up.

Meghan and Harry's baby news got me -- and the entire world -- thinking about babies. That and the fact I’ve been babysitting recently (it’s the best and the worst!). As a result nursery rhymes have made their way back into my life. I am listening to these songs as an adult and thinking… WHAT THE FARK?

It’s so strange because we listen to them all the time, sing them over and over but do we ever think about what we’re actually singing?

For example, (and maybe I’m overthinking some of these)

It’s raining; it’s pouring The old man is snoring He bumped his head on the top of the bed And couldn’t get up in the morning.

So, WAIT… it’s a song about a man suffering a head/brain injury in the night and then dies? No wonder The Wiggles were such a hit with songs like Fruit Salad and Wearing Glasses is Okay.

'Fruit salad, yummy yummy' isn't exactly Shakespeare but at least it's not DARK. Image: Getty.

I sung this to my friend’s baby to get her to sleep, and as I was singing it I thought, this song is horrific, why is this a lullaby?

So, we all know this one, it goes:

Rock-a-bye baby On the tree tops

What an irrational place to put a baby. A freaking tree top?!

(“Babe, should we put our newborn baby in the expensive cot in her room or the rickety cradle in the top of that tree. I always forget?”

“I’ve told you a thousand times, Gary -- cradle in tree top!”)

When the wind blows The cradle will rock


When the bough breaks The cradle will fall and down will come Baby, Cradle and all.

Sorry? Woah. This song is dark. Darkkkkk. WHY DO WE SING THIS TO CHILDREN?

Cradle? Image: Getty

At least this next one makes sense as to why we sing it to children. It’s about birds and actually has a lasting life lesson.

Two little dickie birds sitting on a wall One named Peter, one named Paul Fly away Peter! Fly away Paul! Come back Peter! Come back Paul!

This song could have also been called Tinder. Or the relationship all women have with men. (I know so many dickie birds).

Another song that blows my mind is this one, I loved this as a kid.

Alice the camel has five humps Alice the camel has five humps Alice the camel has five humps So go, Alice, go.

Why are we celebrating (via kid’s songs) Alice’s sexual exploits. Five humps? Go gurl! Geddit Alice!!! But I mean kids don’t need to sing about Alice's sexual hurrahs at a primary school fete for disinterested parents, who certainly haven't had five humps that month, let alone that year.

Then the song tells us progressively she gets fewer and fewer humps (relatable) until finally:

Alice the camel has no humps Alice the camel has no humps Alice the camel has no humps Now Alice is a horse.

Is this whole song a euphemism for marriage?

On bended knee for a hump. Sounds like every married bloke out there. Image: Getty

This next one I always thought was so fun, but now I think this song has to be one of the most misleading songs of all time:

Galumph went the little green frog one day Galumph went the little green frog Galumph went the little green frog one day And they all went galumph galumph galumph

But… we all know frogs go La de dah de dah La de dah de dah La de dah de dah We all know frogs go La de dah de dah They don’t go Galumph Galumph Galumph

This is confusing as hell? Which sound do they make? Kids are gunna be so confused. What the hell sound does a frog make? Is this supposed to be educational? Because every kid who hasn’t heard this song will say “ribbit ribbit” and any kid who has heard this song will say “la de dah de dah” and the teacher will be like, “Cool this kid has parents in the theatre”.

Excuse me, I have a question -- why the frog do you think I go la de da de da when I quite clearly don't?

Oh, and finally, remember this one?

My highland goat Was feeling fine He ate three shirts Off my back line

Cute. Everyone loves a rhyme and a goat.

I took a stick Gave him a whack And tied him to The railway track

Okay. That escalated. Maybe just a stern word with the goat would have sufficed. A warning maybe? But no, you’re gunna tie the goat to a railway track? Jesus.

The whistle blew The train drew nigh My highland goat Was sure to die

See, now it has malice and intent. I'm not okay with that. This sounds like a song for baby sociopaths or serial killers.

I took a knife And cut that rope And set him free My highland goat

Conscience set in. Finally. But it feels psychopathic. Also, who is this person doing this to this poor goat? Child? Adult? If it’s an adult -- why aren’t they at work?

I don't want to die.

Then it ends like this…

My highland goatie-oatie-oatie-oatie-oat Was feeling finey-iney-iney-iney-ine He ate three shirty-irty-irty-irty-irts Off my back liney-iney-iney-iney-ine

Don’t make it cute now you just wanted the goat dead in a really intense way. Now you’re rhyming and being silly with the lyrics? No. I’m not having it.

Have I overthought these? Yes. Have I changed your mind on kid’s songs? Hell yes. You’ll never hear these songs in the same way again.