I'm A Vegetarian And Now I Can't Eat Mushrooms Thanks To Trump
Mr Trump you're no "funghi" and that's no shiitake.
Remember that ad for mushrooms where the man said they were "meat for vegetarians"? Well I'm a vegetarian. And that's taken on a whole new meaning now thanks to Stormy Daniels. And I, for one, will not be eating them for quite some time.
You see, Daniels equated Trump's, erm, stump, with a vegetable I normally eat at least three times a week. And I pictured that in my head, and now I can't un-see it.
In her yet-to-be-released memoir Full Disclosure (out on October 2) Daniels describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”.
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” she writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool …
She added, “I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f***** by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart . . . It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
And now. Ruined.
No more mushrooms. And certainly none that are stuffed.
Suddenly all those delicious sauces and pasta dishes seem cheap, vile, tasteless. A lot like Trump himself.
And I'm not the only one to give up on them -- comedian Jimmy Kimmel announced on TV just days ago: "Just like that, I will not eat a mushroom or play a video game ever again."
A writer in Vanity Fair, Kenzie Bryant, is calling for us to "reclaim" them -- suggesting we should band together and cheering that, "Mushrooms are great! No president should take that away from the public." And you're right, Kenzie, you really are.
But I'm afraid he's already taken them away from me.
You know what, though, if I were the Australian Mushroom Growers Federation right now I'd be on red alert. I'd be coming out swinging to reclaim the shroom. I'd be doing entire TV campaigns that show them in a positive light. I'd be big upping the buttons, publicising the portobellos, taking no shiitake, championing the champignon and positively praising the porcini.
I'd be taking them out of the presidential pants once and for all. And I don't mean that in a sexy way.
But I don't work for them (though ™ on the ideas, Australian Mushroom Growers). And I can't look another mushy in the eye.
Having said that, I did cook some mushrooms last night for my husband and the cutting-up process was incredibly cathartic...