I Hate It When My Husband Tells Me I’d Get Voted Off Survivor First

Take your alliance and ... well, you know the rest.

I am a very sensitive person. I cry easily. Often. And messily. I’m also a pushover. And erm, I can’t walk and eat an ice cream at the same time. It’s literally physically impossible for me.

My husband is fond of telling me that because of these things (and a host more) I’d be guaranteed to be the first voted off at tribal council on Survivor. He also says I wouldn’t even get on the show but, you know, whatever, dude.

Whenever we sit down to watch the show, one of the only reality shows he will even watch, it’s the same. I will say something like, “Why did they get her to do the puzzles, she’s rubbish” or “I can’t believe he managed to fool them into thinking he was a nice guy”, and he will begin his (good humoured) character assassination. “You wouldn’t even be able to GET TO the puzzle,” he giggles, proud of his clever use of my questioning which he has now turned into his insult. “You wouldn’t have to fool them, you’d be long gone by now,” he guffaws as I harrumph.

Look, I realise that my, ahem, physique, doesn’t lend itself to crawling under nets or -- heaven forbid -- climbing up and over a sheer wall. It lends itself, in fact, to lying on the couch watching others do it.

He also says I’d pull a Shane Gould and steal the food because that’s the kind of person I am. Greedy. He has a point -- I love my food, I really do -- but I wouldn’t steal it. He joked, “They’d all get thin and you’d stay the same… and then they’d start to wonder.”

I chewed and swallowed the chocolate I’d nicked off his plate before I replied, “Shut up!”

I hate him saying all this because I know it’s not all true. I’d be a nice person to have around -- I’d tell people they were doing a good job, I’d make them laugh, unless a challenge involved ice cream and walking, I'd be fine, and if I didn’t have to climb over/on/under anything I’d be damn good at those puzzles, too.

Oh, and I could wear the shit out of a buff.

(Even as I wrote the word “buff” then, I was trying to think of how I would be hilariously using the word “buff” a lot if I were on the island -- but apparently THAT is another reason I’d get voted out early. Apparently that would be "annoying".)

I’ll admit, I don’t always grasp the politics of the game -- the alliances can throw me, the backstabbing upsets me… have I mentioned I don’t get the alliances thing?

And yes, the letters from home thing DOES make me cry like a baby. And I can’t swim well, and when I do it’s breaststroke so I’d be bad at the water competitions. And I can’t really run that far. And I can’t pretend to be friends with people I don’t like so I’d be bad at all that stuff.

I would also stress out about whether to call Jonathan LaPaglia “Jonathan” or “Jono”.

But you know what -- I still believe he’s wrong. The first person who gets voted out of Survivor is never the “me” of the group. The first one is the dickhead who thinks he understands the game and is playing it.

I’d be second. So there.