It's Official, Australia Has Ruined Coffee

Did someone say broccoli latte?

Do those words together pique the taste buds? Does the notion of broccoli combined with milk send you into a mouth-frothing frenzy?

“Get me one – now!” I can hear the masses roaring at this revelation … in some sort of strange pseudo reality, a Bizarro world, similar to the one inhabited by Bizarro Superman -- a place where everything is upside down and wrong is right.

Broccoli lattes are in, sanity is out. (Image: Getty Images)

Really, you can’t tell me those two words -- broccoli and latte -- should ever sit side by side. They make for strange cupfellows to say the least.

But who am I to stand in the way of popular culture? Who am I to arrest the broccoli latte development, or question the bearded bespectacled hipster in Surry Hills demanding a side of greens with his morning beverage?

Yes, the broccoli latte is sweeping the streets of Sydney, like a zombie outbreak, literally making your morning coffee green in colour.

As the daughter of Italian migrants (who clearly invented coffee) I can’t help but feel the moral outrage associated with said verdant beverage. I like my coffee black, no sugar, and usually double strength. Order me a “doppio espresso” and I’ll be your friend for life (or at very least until the caffeine buzz has left my system).

If it's not jet black, sugar-free and double strength, it's not coffee. (Image: Getty Images)

Like every Italian, I take my coffee seriously. It’s not to be joked about. Coffee is not only art, but it’s medicine. It’s the very lifeblood which keeps our little hearts pumping and this world spinning on its axis.

A world without coffee – qu’est que c’est? Virtually unimaginable.

You can imagine my disdain at the sacrilege. Coffee degradation began decades ago when we started demanding milk variety -- full-cream, skim, almond, soy, cashew, and every other pod and seed we can squeeze fluid from. Then it escalated to the inclusion of syrups, and overnight it became du jour to casually request a grande almond milk caramel latte along with your morning gluten free blueberry buckwheat muffin. Could it get any more complex? Five adjectives were now required to order a beverage -- it hardly seemed possible that the situation could further degenerate.

But it did.

The future of coffee looks bleak. (Image: Getty Images)

The onslaught of Tumeric Lattes and shaken (take note: not stirred) rose-petal mocchas suddenly stormed the garrison.

Could the coffee limbo bar get any lower?

Yes it could.

The broccoli latte has just trotted onto the arena, with the flexibility of an acrobat, and the pungent aroma of … well, broccoli.

Experts are telling us there are numerous health benefits to the old broccoli latte. It’s been co-developed with the Hort Innovation and CSIRO, and it’s said to pack a powerful super-green, anti-oxidant punch. Rest assured that while the new beverage might sound a tad on the stomach-turning side of the spectrum, there are health benefit kudos in spades.

Liquid greens should stick to smoothies. (Image: Getty Images)

Scientists are indicating that two tablespoons of this green-hero in your morning coffee equates to one serving of broccoli.


Okay – that was an ironic yum on my end, but I can imagine the odd health and fitness buff fist-pumping at the thought of that serving stat.

I can’t help but wonder – what will be next? Beetroot Cappuccinos? Carrot Mocchas? Or the odd Kale Latte? Surely kale, superfood, and hipster powerhouse will be next on our deranged coffee agenda. Perhaps one will even be able to add kale chips to the top of their mixed beverage for that extra crunch?

Call me a naysayer, or even old school – but I’ll keep my coffees black, and my broccoli on the side of my evening meal.

Lisa Portolan's new book Happy As is available here.