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Crying, Sobriety And Owning Your Own Train (But No Phone): The Top Status Symbols For 2020’s Snobs

The upper-class bible Tatler has announced their list of top status symbols for 2020… and it’s not easy to keep up with the Windsors.

If you want to mix it with the born-to-rule elite in the U.K., it’s going to take a little more than a tired old tiara and a polo mallet.

Because believe it or not, even such a staid conservative traditionalist tier of global society is still subject to the winds of change, the trends of fashion and the pointlessness of arbitrary lists.

After all, you need something to spend Granpapa’s inheritance on.

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So fancy-pants British fashion mag Tatler has just published its January 2020 edition. And alongside a list of “the hottest divorcees to marry now”, it’s got a list of the status symbols you need for 2020.

Need.

So what exactly will you need to be worth knowing next year? Here’s your Tatler-approved checklist.

Never carrying cash. Makes sense, a cashless society is the way the world’s going. Unless you’re going to make a show of making it rain, cash is the money of the old and poor. Besides which, you can always get your cash carried by Jeeves.

Apparently not classy
Apparently not classy

Sleeping. OK, unquestionably something you need, and it’s easy to miss out on in between a steady stream of gala dinners and breakfast banquets.

Not wearing make-up. Why pretend to be more beautiful than you are, when everyone knows, true beauty is in your bank account.

Being a contributing editor to a magazine. This may be Tatler’s way of putting a call out for new talent.

Silver Cross prams. I had to Google this one, this brand of pram says that they’re “Favoured By The Royal Family”. It may be how Prince Phillip gets around these days.

Speaking at economic forums. Why leave the speaking at economic forums to economists and finance experts? If you’re rich, you’ve earnt the right to tell the world how money works.

Trophy husband. Trophy wives are a bit last century, but that’s no reason why you can’t choose a partner based on their ridiculous good looks and absence of other merit – so long as it’s a man.

Crying. So relatable! If you need some help, just imagine what it would be like if Daddy’s investment bank collapsed and forced you to hock some of the family jewels.

Big Green Egg BBQs. Not, as I first thought, a hot new Seuss-inspired culinary trend, these are BBQs which resemble big green eggs are allegedly loved by Meghan Markle, Elizabeth Hurley and even the Posh-by-name Beckhams. Perfect for cooking quail-and-caviar snags.

Having lots of children. It’s not like those Silver Cross prams are going to fill themselves. Plus it gives you more chance for one of them to become super-famous and allow you to humblebrag about your parenting.

Having those children be models. See above.

Being sober. The days of drunken royal orgies are long in the past. You don’t want to Prince Andrew yourself.

Small parties. If you only invite people that have everything on this list, this should take care of itself.

Owning your own train. Not a whole train line, that’s tres gauche. You just want one to choof up to the Highlands on the weekend.

Owning a marine charity. The oceans need our help. And you’re the one to do it. Plus it’s easy to skim a bit off the top… krill aren’t known for being whistleblowers.

Rewilding. While you’re saving the environment, why not return habitat to its natural state? Makes it much more fun to hunt in.

Serving meat. Whether or not it’s venison from one of your rewilded habitats, what better way to show that you’re one of the born rulers of the planet than to devour a few threatened species? Also a good excuse to buy another Big Green Egg.

Brooches. Not breeches. I got them confused once and my equestrian career never recovered.

Owning a vineyard. Of course you shouldn’t drink anything from it, but you can sell your vintage to the hoi polloi as a small service to make their lives less miserable. Really, it’s the least you can do.

Not working. It’s not like you’ll have time between your viticulture, contributing editorial work and economic speech-giving. What, you didn’t think you were going to be paid for those did you?

Not owning a phone. The perfect reason for not responding to the clamouring hordes.

Protesting. The world is in crisis, and if the council doesn’t pull their finger out and do something about the potholes on Malmsbury Crescent, you’re going to want to take direct action.

Twins. If you can afford to keep them both, you’re clearly a person of wealth and privilege.

How else are you going to justify getting the deluxe Silver Cross pram?
How else are you going to justify getting the deluxe Silver Cross pram?

Puffer jackets. For blokes. Prince Harry wears one. Therefore you must.

Pugs. Selective breeding is what made the upper class what it is today. And with their squished in faces and stunted family trees, these cute little buggers are practically your mirror image.

Uncle Maurice! Oh no, wait, it's your dog.
Uncle Maurice! Oh no, wait, it's your dog.

A provisional license. This way you can drive without having to have some pleb judging your driving skills.

An European passport. Don’t think we didn’t notice that “An” – it works if you pronounce “European” without the “e”. Which you should. Anyway, critical for when Brexit finally happens so you can properly tell the continent how much better off you are without them.

A bronze of your head. Gold and silver may be preferred by sportspeople, but for the rich, it’s all about the bronze. Not yet deemed racist.

Old Master painting. To prove you’re not a philistine. Also, nudes are the porn it’s OK to hang in your home.

Cardigans. The Old Master of knitted overwear. Some traditions never die.

Submarines. Definitely tax deductible as part of your marine charity.

How did you do? Get cracking on collecting the full set, you’ve got a full 12 months until next year’s list deems you old hat.