Dear God They’ve Made Ketchup Cupcakes
Make it stop.
What you need to know
- We are all in the gutter.
- Death comes for all.
Hello and welcome to the news today! You might be wondering, what’s happening in the world today? Are things going well? What progress has humanity achieved now? Well, you might want to sit down before you read this because we have terrible, terrible news.
Are you familiar with the condiment ketchup? You use it on chips and pies, and if it ever gets on your clothes you have to throw them out.
Are you familiar with cake? It’s a dessert typically served at the end of meals and on birthdays with candles. It’s very delicious and has many forms, including but not limited to cheese, chocolate and ice-cream.
Now, you might be thinking at this point: “Yes, I am familiar with both ketchup and cake. I regularly indulge in both. Pray tell, what is the purpose of this preamble?”
Great question – partly to boost the word count, and partly to prepare you for this shocking news (that was already spoiled by the title of this piece).
Someone, presumably a Satanist, has combined ketchup and cake together to make ketchup cake.
Over in the UK, Heinz has teamed up with London-based The Hummingbird bakery to launch a limited-edition range of cupcakes that is doing nothing to combat the stereotype that British food sucks.
The cupcake flavours/crimes against humanity that they’re releasing include ketchup, beans, mayonnaise, salad cream (which is a worse version of mayonnaise) and tomato soup. Not tomato. Tomato soup. You know, the worst version of tomato.
The purpose of the launch is to celebrate the birthday of the company’s founder Henry John Heinz, who fortunately passed away in 1919 and so is not alive today to see what has become of his beautiful company, and will surely spend the day rolling in his grave.
Speaking to Food manufacturer in the UK, Heinz marketing manager Alexandra Bayet said: “When we approached the talented Hummingbird team with the idea for these amazing 150th birthday cakes, they immediately saw the potential… They went away and created these incredible cupcakes – some of which shouldn’t work, but somehow do.” No, no they do not work. You can’t turn tomato soup into a cupcake. Stop it.
If you’re absolutely insane, the six Hummingbird bakery branches in London will be giving away 25 cupcakes for free to people on a first-come first-serve basis. After which point they will be sold for about $6 which is precisely $6 too much.
As society descends further into the dystopia that we continue to call the present, why not try some other flavours while you’re at it? Vegemite, mustard and kale cupcakes might as well be worth a go too.
There are no rules anymore. The apocalypse has arrived.