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We Want Free Money!

The Federal Government is soon to announce an economic "boost" package -- and we want free money!

One of the quickest ways to ruin a dinner party is to start talking about interest rates and economic stability. Let’s face it, the state of the economy can make peoples’ eyes glaze over with boredom – especially compared to the story about that time you pooed your pants in Thailand. (Always a winner while people are eating!) But (apparently) the economy is important, so put down your forks and let’s try to get through this.

With catastrophic bushfires and now the coronavirus, Australia has faced a bit of a battering lately. It’s been the perfect storm to make people stay at home and not spend money. After extensive research into economic theory, I’ve discovered that when people don’t spend money, then that is bad! If people are hunkering down at home guarding their stockpile of toilet paper, then a whole lot of small to medium businesses are going to struggle to stay afloat (unless they are toilet paper producers. They are making a KILLING at the moment!)

So, the government has decided to lend a hand to keep these businesses ticking over through this difficult period. Scott Morrison has made a statement that the Federal Government will … do something. Nobody is really sure what, though. All we know is that we can’t call it a “Stimulus Package” – because that’s a little too ‘KRudd 2009’ for the current administration. And it definitely won’t involve everyone getting free cash from the government. It’s going to be … something else.

As someone who loves free cash, I am frankly disappointed. Remember when we all just got a wad of money dropped into our accounts by the government back in 2009? How good was that? Personally, I helped stimulate the economy by going to my local bar on the night the money arrived. Many others had the same idea, and according to reports, we all had a good time. My memory is a little hazy. Liver damage aside, I feel proud that I did my bit to save the economy. You can thank me later.

In the next few days, the government will announce its much more sedate stimulus boost package, which is being described as “targeted, modest and scalable”. Compared to free cash for everyone, this response sounds measured, responsible and BORING!!! But I guess I should probably get my eye off the top shelf at the bar and think about the business owners who are doing it tough. We all need to make sacrifices during this tough time – and it looks like we’ll just have to sacrifice free money. I’ll do it … for the economy.

You can thank me later.