Trump’s Space Force Is Go!!

We take a look at the future of space combat.

What you need to know
  • Trump has announced the formation of the United States Space Command
  • This is seen as a precursor to a Space Force
  • We take a look at how this might turn out

US President Donald Trump has announced the formation of the United States Space Command. The Command has been created to protect against foreign powers attacking the US’s space-based technology – including satellites that are used to guide fighter jets and gather intelligence.

The establishment of this command is a precursor to creating a full Space Force –space soldiers wearing shiny space suits, armed with space guns and flying around space in spaceships. They’ll probably all walk with a cool swagger, be plucky and wise-cracking, and break all of the rules. (No word yet on whether Will Smith has agreed to be cloned.)

So, here’s how we see all of this playing out.

August 2020

The first 200 Space Force cadets begin training under the leadership of Will Smith. Training consists of going on the Gravitron carnival ride heaps of times and watching “Independence Day” on a continuous loop. Amongst the cadets, attrition is high, and many drop out within the first few weeks.

August 2021

From the initial 200, only sixty-three cadets graduate to begin duty as Space Force troopers. Eternal Leader for Life Donald Trump recently watched “Gravity” and has charged the Troopers with clearing all of the debris from Earth’s orbit so that Sandra Bullock never has to go through that again.

March 2022

The world is in turmoil. Riots have broken out across the globe as people realise it’s 2022 and we still don’t have cool anti-gravity flying cars. It is amongst this discord that Earth receives its first message from the stars. A radio signal from Alpha Centauri B is translated as roughly meaning “We’re comin’ for ya”. The Space Force is put on full alert.

November 2022

It turns out that the signal was just some kids mucking around with an old CB radio. Eternal leader for Life Trump is still convinced that there is an external threat and sets out a plan to build a wall around the Earth, getting “space” to pay for it.

July 2023

Plans to build the wall have stalled, as ‘space’ refuses to cough up the cash. Hugely overfunded and incredibly bored, the Space Force accidentally blow up the moon during a ‘training exercise’ – causing global catastrophe.

September 2023

The Space Force is disbanded as the Internet has become sentient. With access to all human knowledge, the internet AI solves all of our problems quickly and efficiently. It takes over running the world.  However, being the internet, it does it in a really passive aggressive way, whilst pointing out all of our grammar errors. Cat videos have become compulsory viewing.