Another Reason To Stay Out Of The Water

A mayor in France is warning people about a very ‘friendly’ dolphin

What you need to know
  • A horny dolphin is terrorising a town in France
  • Yes, this is the news

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Mother Nature bring us something new: a horny French dolphin. You’re probably thinking: “How is this news?” It’s a fair question, and the answer is: horny French dolphin.

A mayor on the north-west coast of France has banned swimming in local beaches because there is a sex-crazed dolphin around looking to Netflix and chill with swimmers, the BBC reports. That’s right, the goddamn BBC is reporting about this too.

The frisky flipper, which has been nicknamed Zafar (which we can only presume is French for ‘horny French dolphin’) has been seeking contact with swimmers in the city of Brest (yes, the city is called ‘Brest’, don’t be so immature) and, apparently, that contact has been a little too close.

Mayor Roger Lars told the BBC that he issued the ban “to protect people’s security.” In other words, he is attempting to prevent inter-species relations, which is Cory Bernardi’s greatest fear.

According to Le Telegramme (which is French for ‘The Telegram’), Zafar wasn’t acting in an aggressive manner, but has been rubbing up against boats and swimmers. Presumably, the dolphin learned this behaviour from observing French men's creepy attempts to hit on women at nightclubs.

The website also reported that last month a swimmer had to be rescued by a boat when the dolphin stopped her returning to the shore, which just goes to show that somebody has to teach Zafar that: “Non, means non.” Or in dolphin: “Squeak, means squeak.”

In fact, last week the dolphin reportedly tossed a young woman in the air with its nose. If nothing else, that is a terrible attempt at foreplay.

So, you might have thought Jaws was scary, but Bruce pales in comparison to Horny French Dolphin. And this has been today’s episode of the news.