7 Gift Ideas For Donald Trump On His 73rd Birthday
Donald Trump turns 73 today.
He's the oldest person to sit as U.S. president since Ronald Reagan, and if he retains office at the 2020 election he'll be on track to be the oldest president ever.
Coming into the latter part of his term in office, Trump has now had a few birthdays in the Oval Office. No doubt he's got a wonderful day planned to treat himself -- a late start to the working day, a special lunch of KFC and vanilla ice-cream, some generous smashing of the dedicated button on his desk that signals an aide to scurry in to bring a Diet Coke.
"But what do you get the billionaire who says he has everything?" you might ask. Well, in the space between the things he already says he's got -- the best ideas, the biggest hands, the the best words, the best people -- we've found a few things the POTUS could do with.
Honestly, how does a guy this rich have such a hard time finding a properly-fitting suit? The man loves a baggy suit. Look at the hem on those pants!
Honestly what is going on here?
What is the meaning of this?
Trump doesn't always look like this. He's often got slim or tapered pants, but every now and then, he pulls out these circus tent-style trousers that look like they'd act as a sail in a strong breeze.
A watering can
In 2018, Trump planted a 'friendship tree' in the White House garden with French president Emmanuel Macron. This week, it... died.
It's unclear how this happened. Was it simply a case of bad weather? Can we blame climate change? Should it be taken as an eye-opening metaphor for the withering and souring of a strong relationship between traditional political friends and an alliance that stretches decades and world wars?
Or should we just give Trump a new watering can and set him to work in the garden as a new form of exercise?
"We will send him another,” Macron told French media.
“It is not a tragedy.”
Look, we've all been there -- sharing an embarrassing spelling mistake on social media. It happens. Trump is a busy guy, and sometimes he doesn't have a spare moment to do a quick spell-check. It's understandable.
But also lol, he tried to talk about the country of 'Wales' but wrote 'Whales' instead on Thursday.
A dictionary could help. Perhaps an atlas. Maybe both? We're sure you could pick up a nice box-set containing both reference books for a decent price on Amazon.
Or maybe he just needs a strong cup of covfefe before he tweets.
A new plane
Jokes aside, he actually wants this. On Friday, Trump showed off his plans for a new Air Force One -- featuring a new red, white and blue design. He wants an overhaul of the current famous sky-blue model, with a new AF1 to come into commission from 2024, which will be longer, bigger, heavier... all things that the man likes.
But this new design reminds us of something...
We're just bummed that he didn't go with Kanye West's proposal for a hydrogen-powered “iPlane 1”, to be made by Apple.
A golf club membership
Being president is hard. Trump probably never gets time to do what he really likes -- playing golf.
The demands of the presidency are just too much.
He owns many golf courses around the world, but the poor guy is so busy that he never gets time to visit them.
“If I win I may never see my property — I may never see these places again. But because I’m going to be working for you, I’m not going to have time to go golfing, believe me. Believe me. Believe me, folks," he said in August 2016, during the election campaign.
Folks, we believe him! He deserves a golf club membership, just for a treat!
It's getting hot, mate. And cold. Look, the temperature fluctuates, the point is that climate change is happening and it's probably worth keeping an eye on that thing because the President of the United States is in a not-too-bad position to do something about all this. One of Trump's favourite things to tweet about is, without a hint of irony, that record cold temperatures and frozen conditions are evidence against the climate changing -- which, look, it's just too infuriating to succinctly summarise here, but we did a proper serious look at this ridiculous stance here.
Anyway, a little thermometer to keep an eye on those temperatures might be a good gift.
A bartending course
This one isn't exactly for Trump himself, but it might be a good bonding experience for Donald and the sons for whom he can barely conceal his disdain. The large rowdy Trump boys rolled into Ireland last week, spending time in the town of Doonbeg, where one of their golf courses is located. They shouted a local bar a round of drinks (and didn't get around to paying the bill, because they don't carry wallets, apparently?) But it seems they're more used to having drinks brought around for them on little silver plates, rather than fixing them for themselves.
Seriously, look at the head on that beer. You'd be thrown out of any pub or party in Australia if you served that up for your mates.
A weekend mixology course could work wonders for these guys.
Happy Birthday, Mr President.