Say 'No Thanks' To Awkward Second Dates With This Rejection Letter Template

Dating can be painful.

And I mean P A I N F U L. As if being forced to leave the house isn’t terrible enough, you then have to go and make excruciating small talk with someone who may or may not be serial killer -- or even worse, someone with commitment issues.

But you persist, because maybe ‘the one’ is out there. Maybe you’ll finally meet and all the awkward dates will become a hilarious footnote in the greatest romance since Rose decided there was only enough room on the door for one, leaving Jack to drown and freeze to death.

A first date doesn’t necessarily have to go badly for the sparks not to fly -- you might have a bunch in common but that special sauce just isn’t there.

But whether it's a subtle deal breaker (your date seems lovely, but happens to look exactly like your magician cousin who eats only eats butter for breakfast) or a total dating disaster (your date is that cousin)... when the other person  is angling for a second date and you’d rather individually pluck out your upper lip hairs than spend another second in their presence, it kind of makes you feel like the bad guy: you’re a terrible person AND you’ll probably die alone.

READ MORE: 'Dracula-ing' And Other New Dating Terms That Tinder Has Got Spot On

READ MORE: 13 Things To Never Say (Or Do) On A First Date

Ghosting is obviously a dick move, so you’ll need to take care to be gentle when you crush all their romantic hopes and dreams. In these times of great need I have crafted a generic rejection letter for you, so you don’t have to spend hours agonising over a polite way to say ‘no thanks’.

Simply circle the option that best applies to your situation, send it off, and then get back to your swiping guilt free.

Dear/Wassup/Greetings [insert undesirable second date’s name here]:

While I thoroughly enjoyed our date last night...

• at the restaurant
• at the movies
• watching you play video games in the sweet setup in your parents’ garage

... unfortunately I am unable to attend a second date with you at this time.

I’ve had worse starts to a date, even though you rocked up...

• an hour late saying you couldn’t find a suitable spot to chain up your scooter
• covered in animal hair that you later confirmed belonged to your pet hamster
• with three Red Bulls because you hadn’t slept since being out at Revolver the night before.

It was nothing to do with the fact that...

• you had food in your teeth the whole time and I was too overcome with second-hand embarrassment to tell you
• you went on a 50 minute diatribe against ‘feminazis'
• you kept trying to sign me up to your MLM.

And I wasn't even that bothered when you...

• repeatedly called me by your ex’s name
• seemed to think that the application of several cans of Lynx is an appropriate replacement for a shower
• admitted you quit working a year ago so you could focus on building your website on conspiracy theories.

But I feel that the date could officially be labelled a dumpster fire after...

• you ordered the most expensive entrée, main and dessert as well as several bespoke cocktails, then claimed that you forgot your wallet
• your mother called you repeatedly to see why you were out past 9pm and you screamed ‘SHUT UP MUM’ into the phone
• you very unsubtly slid the waitperson your phone number.

Then there was that awkward moment when...

• I had to dodge an attempted kiss from you and you ended up smushing your face into my ear
• you bragged to me at length about your success rate in sleeping with your Tinder dates
• you got into a heated argument with the bartender about how to make a screwdriver.

But even all these things are par for the course when you are online dating.

No, the thing that really pushed me over the edge was...

• your constant Austin Powers references (that movie is over 20 years old, move on with your life)
• that you invited me to a furry convention
• your failure to ask me a single question about myself in the whole three (3) hours we spent together.

What I am trying to say is that I see you more as a friend than a romantic love interest (except unlike an actual friend I don’t ever actually want to hang out with you again). 

Deepest sympathies for your loss (me!).

Regards/Cheerio/Peace Out [insert sender's name here]

You're welcome.