Say 'No Thanks' To Awkward Second Dates With This Rejection Letter Template
Dating can be painful.
And I mean P A I N F U L. As if being forced to leave the house isn’t terrible enough, you then have to go and make excruciating small talk with someone who may or may not be serial killer -- or even worse, someone with commitment issues.
But you persist, because maybe ‘the one’ is out there. Maybe you’ll finally meet and all the awkward dates will become a hilarious footnote in the greatest romance since Rose decided there was only enough room on the door for one, leaving Jack to drown and freeze to death.
A first date doesn’t necessarily have to go badly for the sparks not to fly -- you might have a bunch in common but that special sauce just isn’t there.
But whether it's a subtle deal breaker (your date seems lovely, but happens to look exactly like your magician cousin who eats only eats butter for breakfast) or a total dating disaster (your date is that cousin)... when the other person is angling for a second date and you’d rather individually pluck out your upper lip hairs than spend another second in their presence, it kind of makes you feel like the bad guy: you’re a terrible person AND you’ll probably die alone.
Ghosting is obviously a dick move, so you’ll need to take care to be gentle when you crush all their romantic hopes and dreams. In these times of great need I have crafted a generic rejection letter for you, so you don’t have to spend hours agonising over a polite way to say ‘no thanks’.
Simply circle the option that best applies to your situation, send it off, and then get back to your swiping guilt free.
Dear/Wassup/Greetings [insert undesirable second date’s name here]:
While I thoroughly enjoyed our date last night...
- at the restaurant
- at the movies
- watching you play video games in the sweet setup in your parents’ garage
... unfortunately I am unable to attend a second date with you at this time.
I’ve had worse starts to a date, even though you rocked up...
- an hour late saying you couldn’t find a suitable spot to chain up your scooter
- covered in animal hair that you later confirmed belonged to your pet hamster
- with three Red Bulls because you hadn’t slept since being out at Revolver the night before.
It was nothing to do with the fact that...
- you had food in your teeth the whole time and I was too overcome with second-hand embarrassment to tell you
- you went on a 50 minute diatribe against ‘feminazis'
- you kept trying to sign me up to your MLM.
And I wasn't even that bothered when you...
- repeatedly called me by your ex’s name
- seemed to think that the application of several cans of Lynx is an appropriate replacement for a shower
- admitted you quit working a year ago so you could focus on building your website on conspiracy theories.
But I feel that the date could officially be labelled a dumpster fire after...
- you ordered the most expensive entrée, main and dessert as well as several bespoke cocktails, then claimed that you forgot your wallet
- your mother called you repeatedly to see why you were out past 9pm and you screamed ‘SHUT UP MUM’ into the phone
- you very unsubtly slid the waitperson your phone number.
Then there was that awkward moment when...
- I had to dodge an attempted kiss from you and you ended up smushing your face into my ear
- you bragged to me at length about your success rate in sleeping with your Tinder dates
- you got into a heated argument with the bartender about how to make a screwdriver.
But even all these things are par for the course when you are online dating.
No, the thing that really pushed me over the edge was...
- your constant Austin Powers references (that movie is over 20 years old, move on with your life)
- that you invited me to a furry convention
- your failure to ask me a single question about myself in the whole three (3) hours we spent together.
What I am trying to say is that I see you more as a friend than a romantic love interest (except unlike an actual friend I don’t ever actually want to hang out with you again).
Deepest sympathies for your loss (me!).
Regards/Cheerio/Peace Out [insert sender's name here]