Is It Ever Okay To Punish An Ex? Here's What An Expert Thinks
A woman has charged her ex-boyfriend $180 to have a conversation with her after she discovered his cheating ways.
Toni Osborne, from Leeds, England demanded her ex transfer her about AUD$180 to her bank account for the right to continue speaking to her.
In a text message exchange which Osborne shared on Twitter the unnamed man says he'd do "whatever it takes" -- and lo and behold he did.
The 19-year-old tweeted a screenshot of the transfer receipt to prove her philandering partner had coughed up.
She captioned the screenshot, "Just so everyone knows this lad that cheated, abused and dumped ME over 3 years ago, so this is compensation".
But is it okay to demand "compensation" when your significant other messes up? We asked psychotherapist and couple counsellor Melissa Ferrari.
"I think if this woman actually wants to stay with her ex it's probably not a good idea as it just builds more resentment," she told 10 daily.
Instead of making him pay her money she could make him 'pay' in a more constructive way, Ferrari said.
"She needs to determine if he's prepared to pay psychologically -- if he is genuinely regretful, remorseful and if he actually cares," she explained.
Ferrari continued: "After having broken her trust and cheated he needs to show her that he's invested in repairing their relationship and not just coughing up cash -- money isn't going to help her feel better in the long run."
By demanding the money what she's really doing is trying to avoid some of those painful feelings associated with this traumatic experience -- experiencing the pain is hard but it will help her move on.
Is there ever an excuse to punish an ex?
We put the hard question to Ferrari -- is there ever a situation where it's okay to make your ex pay?
Not really, to put it simply.
"I don't think it's going to help boost your self-esteem or make you feel better -- it might in the short term but it won't last."
Having said that, when someone has cheated and is trying to 'buy back' into the relationship they need to acknowledge that their partner will be hurt, scared and angry for a time.
That's not to say the non-cheater has a hall pass to behave that way forever --"this period of strong feelings needs to stop eventually for the couple to work on moving on," Ferrari told 10 daily.
Couple therapy can help referee this process, she said, as it involves a neutral third party who can view the issues objectively and call time out when things get too heated.
A case of the ex
If unlike Osbourne -- who is now $180 richer -- you decide to call it quits then that's more than okay too.
Ferrari encourages you to "go where the love is" that is, turn to relationships that are really good for you such as with friends and family.
Some people might need to go cold turkey and cut ties with their ex, others might need to stay in touch for a time after breaking up -- but generally speaking it's a good idea to move on, said Ferrari.
The key thing is to look after your number one: you. And be kind.
"There is no one way to do this type of stuff -- you have to know yourself and take care of yourself by doing things that are good for you," she said.
Whether that's getting extra sleep, eating a chocolate bar onFridayday night, burying your feet in the sand at the beach or meditation. "Anything that feels soothing," she said.
Feature image: Youtube/Taylor Swift.