I’m Sorry, But Caramilk Is The Worst And You're All Monsters
As I was online doing my weekly grocery order, I clicked through to the chocolate section to order "the very important Caramilk” (my husband’s request… and words).
“Caramilk – a golden blend of caramelised white chocolate,” the product description read. Next to this, a message said, “Sorry, temporarily unavailable.”
I began to smile while thinking: That suits me just fine, Caramilk is the worst!
I was honestly truly relieved that I didn’t have to click ‘add to cart’ and have it in my pantry. I was joyful that Caramilk, at least this time, did not make it into my house because it certainly does not belong there.
Yes, you read that correctly, I do not like Caramilk. Caramilk is the worst. I can’t stand Caramilk.
Newsflash to all: This hugely popular treat, which has found a massive cult food following in Australia is not loved by at least one person in the nation -- me.
It is honestly the worst chocolate experience I have ever had and from a chocoholic that is a MASSIVE statement. And, I know, possibly quite an unpopular one.
My husband’s love for Caramilk led me to try a piece of this “incredibly, delicious, heaven in a wrapper” (as he described it) last week, despite my gut screaming at me not to do it.
I have been traumatised ever since. Let me explain.
Firstly, there are two important facts you must know:
- I love chocolate. I would say I would sit in the top 10 per cent of chocolate lovers worldwide, perhaps even the top five per cent. I eat it a lot. Perhaps even more than one should. And I don’t have issues with this because it tastes so bloody delicious.
- I do not like white chocolate. I can tolerate it if the circumstances are desperate and there are no other chocolate options in my reach. But I would never choose it. Never.
As a chocolate lover, when there is such chocolate buzz around a type of chocolate, you owe it to yourself to try it, even if at its basis, it is white.
So with encouragement from my husband who looked like he was half way to a… well, you know, I thought that despite this warning from my usually on the money instincts, I would give it a go.
But the truth is, as I looked at the packaging, an even stronger hesitation grew within me.
The distinct yellowy, beigey shade of the chocolate pictured on the block’s wrapper, one that isn’t a vibrant bright yellow like a pineapple lolly (delicious) but also isn’t white like milk, makes for a colour that reminds me of changing my newborn daughter’s nappy years ago. And I was about to willingly put that in my mouth?!
When I opened the block it wasn’t much better, it just looked like a batch of white chocolate that went off in colour and needed to go into the clearance bin.
But as any true chocolate lover does, I persevered. With the ‘Caramilk buzz’ in my ears, as well as my husband’s erotic groans, I thought this has to be good, well at least okay, right? Wrong. VERY WRONG!
As I placed the baby poo coloured chocolate square into my mouth and it hit my first taste buds, my whole body reacted like I had licked an electric fence (a horribly tasting one at that).
The disgust literally shocked my mouth. My facial expression turned into something you’d see on one of those creepy, hagged Halloween characters this time of year in Target and then this feeling jolted through my entire body.
As quickly as you can say Caramilk, the half-consumed square (now looking even more like baby poo) was spat out into a tissue that had luckily been sitting nearby.
As I washed away the remaining Caramilk residue and taste from my mouth with some water, I pondered...
There are people literally selling their Caramilk blocks for ten times the retail price, buying out entire supermarket shelves of this stuff and even writing petitions to get it back in stores and all I have to ask is why?
Featured image: Supplied