99 Of The Best Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quotes So Far
Strap yourselves in and get ready because Season 5 of Brooklyn Nine-Nine drops on Netflix on Friday and in case you haven't already watched the entire season, we thought it was the perfect time for a refresher on just how excellent this show really is.
So, here are 99 of our favourite Brooklyn Nine-Nine quotes -- in no particular order -- because ain't nobody got time for that.
Jake: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.
Jake: It's the most fun day of the year. Something you wouldn't understand because you're not programmed to feel joy.
Captain Holt: Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.
Madeline Wuntch: Trent, Brice, where are we with the name?
Trent: We've narrowed it down to two choices. Petey or Paulie.
Gina: With all due respect, that Pigeon is clearly a Ray-Jay.
The original "name of your sex tape" line :')
Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!
Amy: This one says "Die Pig". And worst of all, they didn't put the comma between die and pig.
Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.
Amy: I’m sorry about tonight
Jake: I’m Sorry About Tonight! We found the title for Santiago’s follow-up sex tape.
Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain Holt: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.
Scully: You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack.
Boyle: Never happened.
Scully: Well, someone said it to me last night. Oh, must have been my wife.
Jake: You guys, this is gonna be fine. I mean Terry's our boss and he comes with us every year.
Terry: Correction, you bring Vacation Terry, and he is no man's boss. When the slippers are filled, Terry is chilled.
Charles: Molly. She was my poodle growing up. You never forget your first.
Jake: Your first what?
Jake: That is never what people mean by that.
Amy: It’s not your fault, I was terrible
Jake: It’s Not Your Fault, I Was Terrible is also one of your sex tapes.
Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.
Jake: I am straight-up depressed. Amy's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Gina: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Jake: I know, it's so hot.
Rosa: I've only said I love you to three people. My mom, my dad and my dying grandpa. And one of those I regret.
Charles: Which one?
Rosa: Grandpa. He beat cancer so I now I look like an idiot.
Deputy Chief Wuntch: I'm the front-runner for a job in the Boston PD.
Captain Holt: Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?
Gina: All men are at least 30% attracted to me. My mother cried the day I was born, because she knew she would never be better than me. At any given moment, I'm thinking about one thing: Richard Dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food. I feel like I'm the Paris of people.
Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.
Amy: Not even going to touch that.
Jake: The Amy Santiago Story.
Charles: Okay, the key with dogs is establishing the alpha. Cheddah, dwop it. Pwease dwop it. I'll give you anything you want.
Jake: Oh, Cheddar is the alpha. Didn't expect that.
Gina: The English language can not fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts. So I'm incorporating Emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.
Jake: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Captain Holt: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Jake: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
Captain Holt: I pity your dentist.
Jake: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.
Amy: That stuff with us is in the past. We talked about that.
Jake: I know, but that was before you saw me in this dope ass tux. I mean you must be freaking out.
Amy: Oh, I really am. I'm really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them.
Gina: Is she crying?
Jake: A little.
Gina: You should be wailing you stone-cold bitch... Now call my other grandma.
Jake: Let's go free an innocent woman.
Charles: Nice. My dreams are coming true. You and me getting my lady off together.
Jake: I mean, you know how that sounds, right?
Amy: I'm horrible at this. When can we stop?
Jake: I'm Horrible at this-
Amy: I know, I know. Title of my sex tape.
Jake: Huh, well done. Title of my sex tape.
Captain Holt: I threw away the photo because I think it's ostentatious to hang pictures of yourself, especially when you haven't earned a place on the wall.
Captain Holt: But you would have me hang a Baroque oil painting of myself like I'm a North Korean dictator. What, no ornate gold frame? Why am I not astride my noble steed, clad in armor?
Amy: We could add a horse.
Amy: Just as long as we're clear, I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen.
Jake: I'm with Someone, Nothing's Going to Happen name of your sex tape.
Amy: He's back!
Jake: Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together.
Captain Holt: Oh, are you two no longer-
Jake: Smooshing booties?
Captain Holt: Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
Gina: If I die, turn my Tweets into a book!
(See, I told you these weren't in order.)
Amy: But, this better not bite me in the ass.
Jake: Better Not Bite Me in the Ass name of your sex tape, but seriously, thank you so much for your help.
Gina: This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.
Charles: I gotta say. You guys are good cops.
Hitchcock: Yeah, no doy. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?
Charles: By never being promoted and losing all your money to divorces.
Scully: And bad investments.
Amy: Uh-oh. I hope it doesn't get too sexual.
Jake: "Uh-oh, hope it doesn't get too sexual." Title of your sex tape. But seriously, what is taking so long. Also the title of your sex tape.
Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Terry: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag. Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.
Jake: And our second option is surveillance footage of Detective Amy Santiago soliciting drugs using perfect grammar.
Amy: It's not that weird to say, "may I have some cocaine?"
Jake: It is.
Gina: It's Gina's phone. Leave me a voice-mail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.
Jake: So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?
Captain Holt: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
Jake: I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.
Captain Holt: I was trying to shield you. Do you know how much stress I've been under lately? My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
Terry: How much did you smile before that?
Captain Holt: Constantly.
Terry: Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Jake: (Scoffs) No.
Jake: All right, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.
Terry: She makes all of us feel things!
Rosa: Right, that's the guy you said the lame stuff about. Like he's a good listener.
Amy: Sorry, what do you look for in a guy?
Rosa: Real stuff, like the shape of his ass.
Terry: What are you doing, Peralta?! You just blew my cover!
Jake: Or did I save your life?
Terry: Or did you compromise an investigation and piss off a superior officer?!
Jake: I'm sensing from your tone it's that one.
Gina: Wait. Are you only hosting dinner cuz you wanna suck up to Holt? Not cool! This was supposed to be about friendship.
Amy: You said you were only coming to see if my apartment was the reason I was single or if it was my personality, like you suspected.
Gina: Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse. Love the view up here. Clip clop. Clip clop. Clip clop.
Gina: Eek, blast of cold air coming out of that box.
Jake: Name of Amy's sex tape.
Amy: Hey, man, come on. Not cool.
Jake: I'm going through something. Just let me have this one.
Charles: That car is your superpower! Thor would never wager his hammer, and Neil Patrick Harris would never wager his showmanship!
Captain Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.
Jake: All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.
Captain Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker; the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which?
Jake: That one's the dump?
Captain Holt: They're both your locker.
Gina: Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.
Sharon: Guys? My water just broke.
Jake: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one- oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse!
Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?
Jake: Why Doesn't Your Mouth Work title of our sex tape.
Jake: Your sex tape! What? No.
Jake: Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Clerk: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-Est bottle of wine, please.
Rosa: Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?
Gina: Emotionally? $700 million.
Jake: This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.
Gina: You mean like a dining room?
Jake: Yeah. But in Manhattan.
Rosa: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!
Judge Marinovich: A cop and a defense attorney sleeping together? That's highly unusual.
Jake: At the time I did not know she was a defense attorney. I should have been able to guess, however, based on her ability to lie all over me.
Terry: And what does the Ebony Falcon do?
Jake: Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety? Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.
Terry: Hell yeah he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits.
Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.
Charles: Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?
Rosa: Tinker Bell?
Charles: Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.
Captain Holt: To catching a serial killer.
Jake: To catching a serial killer.
Gina: To Rihanna, because I love Rihanna.
Amy: Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.
Jake: 'I hope it wasn't a mistake,' title of your sex tape? [gasps] Title of our sex tape!
Captain Holt: Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?
Terry: He makes me feel so small!
Captain Holt: Well, who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant! You're a grown man! Now take your nap. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.
Charles: He should already think you're great. Like with my dad. He doesn't need me to prove to him that Jake Peralta's the best cop in the precinct, he knows it.
Terry: I just negotiated my baby girls down from a pony to a hamster. Little fools.
Charles: Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!
Jake: Boyle, they found one of the stolen paintings at her house.
Charles: But she says she didn't know how it ended up there. She's being set up.
Jake: Framed! Art joke. Continue.
Rosa: We can go to my apartment. No one knows where I live.
Terry: I thought you had Amy over there once.
Rosa: Yeah, it was fun. I moved the next day.
Jake: I've been trying to catch the Pontiac Bandit for eight years. You know how many months that is?
Jake: 80. 40. And 6 years, months!
Captain Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
Jake: I can't tell if you're being serious.
Terry: Look, this screw has three pointy sides, and nowhere to screw it in! And there's wheels. What kind of castle has wheels?
Jake: That's not what I meant. No, we have to fight her.
Captain Holt: We're not going to fight her. She's the devil. And you don't dance with the devil because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.
Gina: I can't believe this is one of the last things I'm ever gonna see.
Rosa: Actually, with Anthrax the last things you'll see will be doctor, blood, doctor, pus, scab, nothing.
Terry: I was raised on disco. Little Terry loved to hustle.
Jake: Rosa has this dumb rule about not mixing work with personal stuff.
Amy: That's actually not a bad policy. I once gave my aunt a jaywalking ticket and things really deteriorated between us.
Captain Holt: Santiago!
Amy: Oh no, Santiago in B-flat. You're disappointed.
Terry: Don't move as a group! You're not gazelles!
Charles: Gina. Gina. Gina, I screwed up, big time.
Gina: Charles, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.
Terry: We've got to make this place kid-friendly. No crime scene photos lying about.
Hitchcock: That's not a crime scene. That's a boudoir photo I'm having framed for my wife. That's me underneath the mask
Jake: All right, fine. If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off. Context. Context was important on that one.
Minister: So, do you Kevin-
Minister: And do you-
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes. We do. We're married.
Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.
Jake: You were behind all this? You played me!
Captain Holt: Like Franz Brüggen plays the flute.
Gina: Hold it up. You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.
Terry: My name is Adelaide Van Hoyt. I'm eighty-nine years old, and I'm here to report a crime.
Amy: Not a problem. We can help you.
Rosa: Adelaide Van Hoyt. Eighty-nine years old. Goatee, six three, and two hundred and ninety pounds.
Terry: Hey, this is a tight two-forty. Show Adelaide some damn respect.
Rosa: You don't have locks on your windows?
Gina: Way to blame the victim. Sorry I'm not rich like you, Ms. 1%.
Rosa: They cost $8. You have a fur bed spread.
Amy: I passed a slutty tree on the way here. Who wants to have sex with a tree?
Scully: Was it a maple?
Jake: When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. Penis, Brain, Jaw.
Amy: Oh my God, she's totally gonna flunk us. I haven't gotten an F since I failed recess in second grade.
Captain Holt: Oh, I've caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.
Rosa: I want to say a few words. When Jason died seven days ago, I didn't give a rat's ass.
Charles: This is your speech?
Rosa: 'Cause I didn't understand why people care so much about their dumb dogs till I got a dumb dog myself. I've only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.
Gina: Very violent eulogy, I like it.
Jake: Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out. I got to go.
Gina: Aren't you forgetting something?
*Jake gives Gina a kiss on the forehead*
Gina: Uh no, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?
Amy: I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.
Jake: I Just Got It Out of the Vent to Rub It In Your Faces name of your sex tape.
Terry: The hippo with heads on both ends, that's Hitchcock and Scully.
Amy: How do they defecate?
Terry: It's a kid's book, Santiago!
Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies.
Gina: It's a sloppy Jessica. Mac n cheese, chili, pizza on a bun. Its everything I've wanted to eat for the last 48 hours.
Terry: What happened? I thought you were gonna 'last forever bitches.'
Gina: Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.
Amy: It'll cheer the captain up. He'll be over the moon. He may even lean back in his chair and nod slightly.
Madeline Wuntch: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Describing your breakfast?
Captain Holt: Coat! Coat! Jacket! Coat! Is this a police precinct or a Turkish bazaar?
Gina: If Rosa had a twin, she would have eaten her in the womb.
Jake: The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood is supposed to be!
AND A BONUS 100 BECAUSE I CAN.
Jake: Noice. SMORT.