The Bachelorette 2018: It's All Relatives
Good evening my gorgeous gals and guys!
Welcome back for another night of Bachette mayhem. Are you ready for hometowns?! Let’s get right into it, no CHIT CHAT this time! (Hope you’re all doing well though! xo)
We open on Ali making a green juice and thinking about love. She reminds us that she’s here to find a hubby.
We’re off to Perth, where Toddikins is excited to show Ali “his natural habitat”, which is… apparently in the middle of the bush but WHO CARES, because he’s so pretty.
Reader, they pashed.
Todd tells her that she’s the first gal he’s brought to this waterfall, which makes Ali feel #blessed. They go on a hike to see the top of the waterfall, and Ali loves it! They pash more.
As they relax on top of a mountain with a beer, Todd tells Ali that she’ll be meeting his parents and his two sisters. Todd warns her that it would be a dealbreaker if his family didn’t approve of her, which makes Ali nervous!
Meeting his family, Ali is put at ease by their warm greetings, but she shouldn’t get too comfy, because big sis Kerin is ready to ruin their love! She thinks Ali is too old for Todd and doesn’t see a future for them! Ouch!
Todd’s sisters pull him aside for a chat, where they drill him about whether he’s ready to settle down -- as if Ali hasn’t already done the same thing??? She… literally talks about marriage and babies all the time??? Todd says that he has a three-year plan for marriage and kids and that his biggest concern is that this plan won’t be fast enough for Ali.
Todd’s sisters take Ali for a quick
interrogation chat, where Kerin questions why Ali’s done this twice before and whether she’s here for the right reasons. The other sister is just like…
Kerin also implies that because Ali noticed the louder guys first that she’s also going to be “distracted” from her relationship with Todd by other loud men giving her attention, which is… extremely questionable!
Kerin tells Ali that her timeline and Todd’s don’t match up, and Ali’s like, “Mm that’s fair”. Regardless, Ali wins Kerin over, and they hug it out.
As Ali’s leaving, Todd pours his heart out. He tells her that she’s all he thinks about, that he’s falling for her, that his heart is hers if she wants it and that she makes him feel like he’s living in a fairytale. I don’t think he means the Grimm kind where Ariel dies in the end, so that’s nice! Ali loves all of that but she leaves with some niggling concerns about their mismatched timelines.
We’re onto Ballarat, where we find Taite. Ali runs up to him, jumps into his arms, and they pash a lot!
They feed the ducks together, before kissing a lot more. Honestly, just let these two bang already! I can’t take it!
Literally, their kisses are like as hot as this deleted scene from Titanic.
They go for pizza at Taite’s family’s favourite restaurant and Taite tells Ali that his sister Skye is a lawyer who’s also very protective of him! Ali gets nervous, but is soothed by the warm welcome she gets. It doesn’t last long, though, because Taite’s best friend Phil pulls her aside and immediately asks her why she can’t find love in the real world and if she likes the other guys also. Ali’s like “AHHH!”
Taite’s sister Skye then goes the f**k IN on Ali at dinner, before telling the cameras that “reality TV is not her schtick”, a very clever thing to tell the nation of reality TV viewers when you’re trying to make them see your point!
Ali, in all her doe-eyed grace, takes it pretty well, but does mention in a testimonial that she feels judged, which is fair, because, ya know… that’s exactly what it was.
Still, Queen Ali also manages to win them over for the most part, and as they leave the dinner, Taite tells Ali that he hopes the connection that he feels is real, and that he sees himself with Ali at the end. #AliAndTaiteEndgame my friends!!!!!
Okay, now that WE ALL KNOW Ali and Taite belong together, let’s watch how Bill’s hometown goes!
They meet in a literal alley because nothing says romance like the sweet, sweet smell of bin juice. There’s an alley near my house that I sometimes take to get home, and one of the dumpsters once smelt SO BAD -- quite literally how I’d imagine a dead body to smell. It was like that for DAYS, and the smell of decay worsened with each passing day. Was it a body? Probably not, I was in Sydney and not my hometown of Adelaide at the time.
Anyway, Bill brought his own green juice on their date, which he sips happily in the alley. This date is already confusing and the ad break just told me he’s about to spring some real s**t on Ali.
They go to the park to meet Bill’s dog. Now, I’m a cat person who actively dislikes all dogs that aren’t Pomeranians -- and don’t give me any of that “oh but you’d like MY DOG” s**t because I promise you, I wouldn’t. Anyway, here’s a photo of a Pomeranian dressed up as the Pope.
OMG, I die. Now that’s what I call cute! Look at his little SMILE!!!
Anyway, Ali likes dogs so they have a nice time, and then hang out at the park for a bit, and reader, when I say I SCREAMED BECAUSE I THOUGHT THIS DAMN STRAWBERRY WAS HIS DAMN SNAKE TONGUE:
Bill then drops the bomb that not only are his parents overseas, but his brother and sister are too busy to meet Ali and she’s not happy!
Instead, we’re going to meet two of Bill’s besties, Sam and Callum, and some girl named Amy who Bill met at the dog park??? ? ?? ?
Ali’s shook, and that’s before Bill tells her that they’re going to Amy’s dad’s house -- where Amy also lives -- for dinner.
Ali quickly realises that Amy’s like… lowkey in love with Bill.
Amy leans into her designated role and plays the jilted former flame with the skill of any actress in a moderately successful romantic comedy.
She asks Ali if she’d move to Melbourne for Bill, and Ali has to tell Bill’s friends for him that he’s thinking about moving to Adelaide and that he has been for a while. Fun! She also says that Ali is “disloyal” and that “Bill values honesty” and it’s all just really hectic. Ali's like:
As they’re leaving, Bill’s like “wow what a great day” and Ali’s like “this was telling”. TELLING. She doesn’t even kiss him!
Finally, we’re onto Charlie, and Ali needs to work out whether she can deal with “Intense Charlie” or whether he’s too much for her.
Charlie goes into the date ready to explain to her that she’s a dumb girl who doesn’t know how to make smart choices and that he is the obvious smart choice.
Charlie and Ali go for a walk along the
beach rocks, before Charlie reveals that they’re going to go paddleboarding. Ali loves it!
Then, it’s time for them to chat, and reader, welcome to hell!!!
Charlie announces that “not everything is peachy creamy” (which is not the saying! Crack a book!), that he hasn’t been sleeping, and that Ali will NOT be meeting his family.
He LITERALLY tells her that they need to be exclusive, quotes HER MOTHER in order to drag her, and then is basically like, “you idiot you fall in love so quickly with EVERY MAN when you can’t see ME RIGHT HERE!”
Anyway, my Aries queen Ali isn’t here for literally a single part of this nonsense. She is MAD! Honestly, Charlie’s lucky she didn’t push him off the damn cliff!!!
Okie Dokie, onto the “cocktail” “party”, aka four pensive men drinking in separate corners of the mansion.
Ali isn’t sure whether she hates Bill or Charlie more after hometowns can’t decide who to send home, so she goes to ask Charlie for clarification. Also, she looks like Princess Elsa, and we stan. Freeze him, sis!
Charlie doubles down and is like “you’re CHEATING ON ME!!!!!!” and she’s like “What the f**k”.
She kicks him to the CURB and he spouts a bunch of “I’m a nice guy” BS as he’s leaving.
And that’s THAT! No rose ceremony tonight, which means our top three are officially Taite, Todd and Bill! Come back next week when we’ll get one step closer to finding out the winner!
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