The Bachelorette 2018: Hold Me Closer, Giant Dancer
Good evening, dear readers. Happy hump day!
Tonight, we kick things off with Osher arriving at the mansion the morning after Ali told Nathan to rack off after Charlie told her that he was spreading rumours about her. It was All Very Dramatic!!!
Now, Osher delivers the news that Ali is Not Here To Play Games!!!! She’s here to find love, and won’t be tolerating any more shenanigans from disingenuous men!
He delivers a double date card and informs the guys that it’s a Thunderdome date. Two men will enter, only one will return.
Anyway, chances are if you’re here, you’ve seen the preview for this week’s episode, so you know that it’s Ivan and Bill.
Ivan, a sweetie with a passion for dance, cries at the very notion that he’s given Ali a reason to doubt his intentions.
He says he feels like someone ripped out a piece of his heart.
Bill’s also not happy.
Ivan, the BFG, is still crying but gets the comfort and encouragement of many of the guys in the house (because they all hate Bill lol).
Ali sits down on the double date and is basically like “darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream”.
For the date, each man will cook one course of lunch, while Ali spends one on one time with the other.
Bill’s up first, leaving Ivan to ask Ali why he’s on this date. She tells him she’s wary of how long his Step Up dream will take to achieve because she wants marriage, kids and a home life.
He tells her that it will take two-to-three months!!! Which made me scream out loud, so much that I nearly missed him telling Ali that his ultimate goal was to fall in love and have all the same things Ali is looking for.
He then asks Ali if she feels a spark and ASKS (TAKE NOTES, ASMR DANNY!!!!!!!) to kiss her. Ali says that she doesn’t think they should kiss while Bill’s in the kitchen.
Ivan says he thinks they had enough of a connection through eye contact and sweaty hand-holding for him to be safe.
We come back from the ad break and they’ve already finished lunch! It’s onto dessert and BFG Ivan tells us that he’s never made a dessert, but it’s just like “measuring and putting it into a blender”. I have a feeling we’re about to see Nailed It! Bachelorette Edition.
Ivan’s making an Avocado and Cacao Mousse, and huns… he put the whole avocado in the blender. Like… skin and pit and all.
My jaw literally dropped. This honestly might be the worst blender mishap of all time, and one time my best friend accidentally blended her fingertip with a stick blender, got a bone infection and nearly died. Don’t worry, her fingertip grew back, nail and everything!
Anyway, while Ivan is stressing me out in the kitchen by trying to blend avocado pits until they’re smooth, Ali and Bill are discussing whether he’s there for the right reasons or not, but they keep having to pause because the blender is so loud. It’s like a sitcom scene, honestly.
My beloved readers, I know I’m dramatic a lot of the time, but watching Ivan scoop out this disgusting blended avocado out into the bowls is one of the most stressful things I have ever encountered. To add to the sitcom feel of it all, Ivan then bumps his head on a light when coming back into the dining room to deliver his goop.
Immediately, Ali’s like “you didn’t put the pip in with it, did you?” and he’s like:
They eat it the same way that the Friends ate Rachel's English Trifle when she accidentally put beef in the middle of it.
After the meal, Ali tells Ivan that she can’t see a future with him. He’s sad, I’m sad, we’re all sad!
Bill’s relieved and reassures Ali once again that his intentions are pure.
It’s onto the group date, and this week, they’ve rounded up some kids so the bach hopefuls can prove that they’re Daddy -- sorry -- Dad material.
The kids all choose a guy to hang out with, and you can literally hear Ali’s ovaries exploding at the sight of it.
All the kids bond with their Bach buddies pretty quickly, except for Robert, who’s shit with kids. His kid… is not impressed.
The challenge involves building a bike with their kid, and to have fun doing it. It’s all pretty cute, and Charlie and Genevieve win the challenge.
During their alone time, Ali thanks him for defending her at the cocktail party and gives him a rose. They pash lots, and Charlie says that he’s a frontrunner now.
We go into the cocktail party with nemeses Charlie and Bill both already having roses. Bill says that he wants to start over with Charlie now that they both know they’re here for the right reasons. Charlie agrees because he’s no longer threatened by Bill.
Ali arrives at the party, and there’s like, a 30-second segment of Paddy just reacting to how hot she looks as if he was a cartoon character and his eyeballs were springing out of his head. He doesn’t say “fit”????? I’m confused.
Ali grabs Bill for a chat, and less than three seconds later, Charlie is fuming once again. It’s truly wild, and all the guys who just saw Charlie and Bill getting along are now suffering from whiplash. Honestly, same.
Anyway, we go into the rose ceremony, and Taite snags the first rose. Paddy’s up next, followed by Dan, Daniel, Robert, Danny and Pete.
With one rose to go, Todd remains to see another week, while we say goodbye to poor Jules. He looks truly shocked, tbh. As he says goodbye to Ali, he calls her a “bloody darling” and tells the guys to invite him to the wedding.
And that’s all, folks! Come back tomorrow, when the guys will meet Ali’s family and we’ll see “one frontrunner” flop under pressure. Will it be Charlie? Will it be Bill? Who knows!
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