The Bachelorette 2018: Step Up 2 Ali

Hello my friends. How are you all this evening? It's Wednesday night, and you know what that means -- it's time for another Bachette breakdown!

We begin the episode with Osher's arrival. He's got a date card! Everyone's v. excited. Osh reminds everyone that Bill still has the option to steal the date if he chooses, and then leaves Paddy to announce whose date it is.

Ali's chosen Robert -- aka her party pash from last week's cocktail party -- for her single date this week. You know who hates it? It's Cass Charlie!

Spot the difference!!!

Bill doesn't steal Rob's date, so Robert's off to meet Ali on a boat. She's like "Robert's into fashion, but I like to do EXTREME THINGS so I wanna see if he likes to get close to death too!" (I'm paraphrasing).

Honestly, is it a requirement of this show that if you're the Bachelor/ette you have to have a lowkey death wish? Because let's not forget that Ali very nearly s**t herself and died last week when she tried to play Twister 61 metres in the sky!

Anyway, they go racing across the sea and end up at Cockatoo Island, which Robbie describes as "Alcatraz-y". It should be noted that they're in a big warehouse with giant easels set up, and not, you know, a prison that once held some of America's worst criminals.

Thrillseeker Ali wants them to paint the words that represent their past failed relationships, and then smash through the paintings, or something. Ali says that one of her past issues has been falling in love too quickly, and then she writes what looks like "Falling past" on the sheet, as Rob's like "that's not a bad quality!"

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Follow The Bachelors On Instagram

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Ali Is Ready For Love On Her Own Terms

Ali's next word is "naive" and Rob calls this a "fun way" to get to know about her past.

Rob's words are "manipulated" and "communication", which Ali relates to. They're bonding, and it's cute. They hop in a dune buggy, smash through all the words, and then pash a lot.

We cut back to the mansion, where Ivan is having a solo dance break, wearing a hooded singlet and a woollen beanie. I have no idea what temperature this ensemble is for.

In fact, he's so In The Zone that when Todd walks in with a date card, they all have to yell to get his attention.

Anyway, it's a group date with "Empress Ali", and everyone's invited!

Back on the single date, Ali and Robert sit down for wine and cheese and Ali's made a tomato and apricot relish with the tomato sauce that Robert gave her on the first night. He's really touched! It's cute! Then they pash A LOT and she gives him a rose.

We're onto the group date, which is "Bachelorette Gladiator Games", and Osh announces they're duking it out for time alone with Ali.

For the first challenge, they're split into three teams, and they have to run a chariot to Ali -- who's holding a goblet of water. Then, they have to transport Ali and the goblet, without spilling too much water, back to a bowl. If there isn't enough water in the bowl, they'll get disqualified or something, and also it's about who's the fastest. Honestly? It's just like, a lot of rules and I would be terrible at this kind of sports day activity.

Game two is like, hectic tug of war, where they also have to grab a white flag for themselves.

Going into the last round, Charlie and Bill are both feeling salty because they don't have flags yet, and they're on the same team. Bill keeps trying to use Charlie as a wall to like, launch himself off to get to one of the final flags, and huns, Charlie hates it!

Bill gets the flag, lol.

With four flag winners, Ali gets to choose which one she'd like to spend some alone time with, out of Nathan, Damian, Ivan and Bill.

Ali chooses Ivan and he lets out a scream, not unlike Jack Dawson's when he says that he's the king of the world. You know the one.

Ali goes into the date with the goal of working out whether she has romantic chemistry with Ivan, or whether it's more of a mate vibe.

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Ali And Cheyne 'Weren't Compatible'

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: The Sky High Club

He's like "I'm a painter but actually I wanna be in Step Up" which is a sentence I never knew I needed to hear out loud until this very moment. Ali's like:

Ali says NOTHING about that but asks him whether he wants kids. He says he wants FIVE and she is SHOOK.

Another one who doesn't know how to pour sparkling, smh.

Ali's like "cool so you want me to be pregnant until I'm 41 while you're dancing around the world". Now, let me just say, this is the best date I've ever seen in my life, especially because Ali says this:

"So how long do you think it's gonna be before you get to your 'Step Up' dream?"

Guys, I'm screaming. Also, let's just all take a moment to compare any Step Up dance routine with the number that Ivan choreographed for the cocktail party last week. I was just going to put a gif here but it honestly doesn't do justice to how sick the routine from the end of Step Up 2: The Streets really is, and how funny it is to compare it to Ivan's dance from last week.

Ivan does not get a rose and they do NOT pash. Onto the cocktail party!

There's still tension between Bill and Charlie, but more importantly, Ivan has choreographed another dance for Ali.

Before we get to that, Bill cuts in on a chat between Taite and Ali, which sends all the boys -- but especially Charlie and Paddy -- into an absolute tailspin of drama as they yap about the importance of the bro code.

Charlie's like, "he wants every little bit of time with Ali!" and it's like, hun... do YOU not want that also? Does this mansion have any mirrors? Because all these guys need to take a long, hard look at themselves.

Ivan performs his best Step Up routine, which Jules says "warmed his heart".

Ali doesn't know what to say.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Bill are sitting together, and y'all know what that means.


And Bill's like "... yeah??    ?               ?                  ??"

And then Charlie's like "CASE CLOSED BITCHES!!!!"

And I'M like:

JK JK JK!!!!

ANYWAY, I don't get this fight. Like... of course Bill's there for himself? That's... literally the point of the show, but go off, I guess.

Here's a reality TV proverb that Bill can quote anytime he wants:

It's rose ceremony time, and Osher announces that two of our bros will be leaving us this evening.

Here's what's important: Ivan gets a rose, Bill gets a rose, Charlie gets a rose. So do Paddy and Nathan, and a bunch of other guys.

The two who miss out are Wesley and Daddy Damo, which Charlie describes as "f**ked" as he watches Bill lick his lips for the 1000th time.

Meanwhile, Charlie says that he's "screaming internally" but can't give voice to his feelings, for fear of finding himself on the chopping block.

Who's only looking out for themselves now, hey Charlie boy?!!

Anyway, whatever. Come back tomorrow for more ~drama~!

Want More Bachelorette? Check out Unpacked on TENPLAY.

Feature image: Ten