The Bachelor 2018: We're Far From The Shallow Now

Ahh Ahhh AHHHHH!!! AhhHHHhhHHHHHHhhhhhh!

Hello, friends. I begin this second-last Bachelor recap with a reading from "Shallow", the Lady Gaga/Bradley Cooper track from the soundtrack to A Star Is Born. I feel like this sums up my emotions going into the top three this week:

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in, I'll never meet the ground!!!!

Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us, we're far from the shallow now!!!


Okay, I feel prepared now to embark on this final journey with you all, which opens this week with footage of Nick BOLTING through the woods in a manner that is eerily similar to every horror movie with no phone reception that I've ever seen.

Wolf Creek, Wrong Turn, Road Trip and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are all shaking.

Anyway, turns out he's not running away from a killer, but with his final decision looming large over his head, perhaps he's running away from the burden of commitment.

Nick also doesn't put his hair up when he runs, and honestly, I can smell his sweaty hair through my screen. It's visceral.

We find Sophie sitting pensively on a bench by herself, beating herself up for not sharing her feelings with Nick during hometowns.

Since Nick and Sophie are both "scared of heights", they're going skydiving on their date. Of course.

Honestly, it's mindblowing to me how many of these so-called "dates" are actually ploys to get the girls to confront their biggest fears.

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Anyway, they get all the way up to the part where they're about to jump out of the frickin' plane before the pilot says that it's too windy, and they just... go back down.

It's a lot nicer than having to jump out of a plane. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it's the way ALL plane trips should go.

After their non-skydiving date, they sit down and talk about the only topic any of these people know how to talk about: their relationship and where it's headed.

Sophie opens up about her feelings, Nick loves it, then they pash.

Next up, it's Britt's turn, and Nick rolls up in what Britt calls "an old-school ice cream van", despite it being very clearly decked out in with Messina branding and just having like,  three tubs from Uber Eats sitting in styrofoam packaging inside.

Nick tells her that the ice cream will cost her "two for four... smooches".

They sit down to talk about hometowns, and Britt says that they "really liked" his sense of humour, which Nick's excited to hear.

Their romantic date involves walking up a gazillion stairs to the very top of a lighthouse because nothing says love like gasping for air.

After their lighthouse date they sit down for, you guessed it, a cheese plate.

As a sidenote, Nick still hasn't learned how to pour a glass of sparkling. It's really not that hard, my good sis!!!

They watch a string trio and dance badly to the music. It's all far less moving to me than the quartet from the Titanic.

Literally I'm gonna cry just looking at this gif. Like, the old couple?

Now, Ida and Isodor Strauss, the real couple from Titanic that this scene is based on, THAT's love. Nick stomping all over Brittany's feet??? I don't know about that, but I'm damn sure he wouldn't drown with her to prove his love!!! He wouldn't even jump, I bet!!!

Ugh, I'm emotional and we have 30 minutes left of this episode to get through. Let's refocus!!!!!

Britt's still off the deep end over Cass, which is like "?????   ?????     ?             ? sis she's gone, chill out maybe!" But whatever, she's ready to ConFROnT Nick about his relationship with Cass, and we're all along for the ride.

Britt says she wants to know if he's actually in a relationship with Cass, because stomping on her heart in front of the nation and sending her home wasn't enough proof for detective Britt!

Nick gives her a hearty "nah", Britt's soothed, and announces that she's "all in" on their relationship.

They pash, and it's onto Brooke.

They go for a motorbike ride, during which Brooke says "I feel like my eyeballs are going to fall out; it's so much fun!" which is a big "huh?" from me but like, go off I guess.

Their date involves body painting each other -- I don't know why either but it's a nice excuse to use this gif.

The real thing is a tad more awk.

It takes them HOURS, but they finally complete their masterpiece and it's actually pretty good!

They settle in for their drink, and Brooke tells Nick that she wants to know where she stands with him. He says he has "the most respect for her out of all the girls" but says he "struggles with feelings" for all three women and that ~ACTUALLY~, it's tough on him to have to choose between them.

Brooke's not really feeling it, and she breaks down because she doesn't get the answer she wanted from Nick.

Onto the rose ceremony, and all three girls are stressed! Then, as they're waiting for Osher and Nick to turn up, Brooke walks out!

Britt and Soph are like "OMG WTF?"

Brooke finds Nick outside, and they sit down to chat. She says that she didn't get the answers she needed from him and that she's hurt by that.

She says that she needs to know where he stands and that she needs to know that he loves her, basically.

In a testimonial, Nick says that he needs more time (despite it being the rose ceremony), and then tells her that "as much as he wants to, he's not gonna stand in her way of leaving", which is like ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like either he was going to give her a rose, in which case, try fighting for her and being like "no I need you to stay", or tell her you think that her decision is for the best because you've "hit a ceiling" like you did with Cass.

During their chat, Brooke decides that it's her time to LEAVE THE MANSION! She literally dumps Nick and leaves! IT'S VERY EMOTIONAL!

All of Australia right now, upon seeing Nick not even try to stop Brooke -- a perfect angel -- from leaving the Bach mansh:


We really ARE far from the shallow now.

Anyway, come back tomorrow, when Nick will make his big decision!


Feature image: Ten