The Bachelor 2018: Cold As Fire, Baby, Hot As Ice

Good evening, dear readers. Here we go again!

Let's get right into it. It's group date time, and Nick's taking the gals bowling. The last time I went bowling, my hand hurt for like three days after and I didn't win anything except a bruise on my finger.

Nick's got his hair like this, which is really a lot to take in, but Cass is positively BEAMING and Sophie's like "hot arms, aye!"

I was about to write that he looks like fish or a turtle, but as I was making up my mind, Brittany pointed out that he looks like the mansion's alpaca, so, that will do. She's not wrong.

The girls have to get a strike to win time with Nick, speed-dating, in the back of a Cadillac. Like... strikes are really hard to get but whatever!

Brooke's like, "Oh I don't know, I'm not really a bowler, I don't think I'll be very good at this" and then immediately gets a strike because she's good at everything and I'm not at all jealous of that!!!!!

Meanwhile, all the girls are like, quietly forming a We Hate Brooke club, because, UNLIKE ME, they're jealous of how good she is at everything.

In the car, Nick and Brooke start discussing their favourite topic -- their relationship and how they see it progressing -- but before Brooke can even answer the question, Sophie gets a strike, and all the girls cheer because they hate Brooke now!

All the girls start getting strikes, which, again, is WILD because strikes are hard to get! A talented bunch! All the girls, that is, except Dasha, who is not feeling this date at all.

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For the next part of their date, they have to write themselves a letter envisioning their life in 2028.

Dasha breaks down under the pressure of missing her son Leon, who's been on her mind a lot during the group date, as they like to go bowling together.

After everyone's written their letters, it's time to share them with the group. Cass is up first, and she straight up calls Nick her soul mate in the first line of her letter. She cries while reading it, the poor dear.

Dasha also struggles to get through her letter as she considers life with Leon when he's 15, which makes Nick reflect on whether it's fair to be keeping her away from her son at this point.

Nick chooses Britt for some extra alone time, after she writes a more lighthearted letter to herself, which includes a mention of "mind-blowing" sex.

Britt tells Nick that he'd fit in well with her family and asks him how he feels about her. TBH, I zoned out for a hot minute to examine my cuticles, but when I tuned back in they were pashing, so I guess he still likes her.

We're onto the final single date before hometowns, and Sophie's excited and nervous.

They're going ice skating, and with the whole place to themselves, it's kind of like when Buffy and Angel went ice skating, but without the demon attack.

Reader, you may be surprised to learn this, but I'm a terrible ice skater! In fact, one of my biggest fears in life is that I'll fall over and then someone who's a really fast skater will skate by and cut off my fingers. How would I do my job?!?!

Next up, they decide to play one-on-one ice hockey. It's first to three goals, and Sophie loses. Nick's prize is pashing.

He also decides to get up and skate over her, and straight up almost kicks her in the back of his head with his ice skate. Dangerous!!!!

Nick gives Sophie a stuffed polar bear named 'Bear' and all of a sudden it's the evening and they're getting hot and heavy in the Bach Pad pool.

Onto the cocktail party, and Sophie returns without a rose, stressing all the bachelorettes out.

In hushed tones, the girls discuss how the rose ceremony will be the hardest one yet.

You know who I miss? Party Brittney.

Meanwhile, Cass is first to grab him for a chat and surprises him with a "Hawaiian themed" mini-date. It's actually pretty cute, they play ukuleles and sing about each other.

It's time for the rose ceremony, and Osh reveals that two women are going home tonight, and everyone's like:

Brittany gets the first rose, followed by Sophie and Cass.

We're left with Brooke, Dasha and Emily.

Who do you think got the final rose?

It's Brooke.

Dasha, a QUEEN TO THE END, uses her goodbye time to sing the praises of her fellow bachelorettes, and wishes him "all the happiness in the world".

And that's that!

Come back tomorrow, when we'll kick off the hometown dates and hear Britt's dad drag all footy players for filth. Legends only.


Feature image: Ten