The Bachelor 2018: Meet Me At The Barre

Get it? Because they did ballet.

Hello again and welcome back to another night of Bachie commentary from your favourite impossible-to-please demon who masquerades as a human woman during the day.

We kick things off with a segway segment that goes for three hours.

It's a group date, and you know what that means!

It's sports. Again. A segway relay, to which I would say:

But, again, this isn't about me!!!!!!!!!!!

Britt and Brooke are team captains. Britt chooses Sophie and Cass, Brooke chooses Emily and Dasha. Poor Shannon is left, and ends up on Brooke's team.

With the teams chosen, they're off! They have to complete a lap of the course, and then answer a question about old mate Nick.

Cass gets around the course faster than Dasha, but then gets the question wrong (wild, in and of itself), so Dasha catches up while Cass is waiting her one minute penalty out. THEN, Dasha gets the question wrong, so SHE's on a time out.

It's tense!

Also, Nick's like lowkey bad at segwaying, which is kind of funny.

Just as Brooke is about to answer the question for the win, Britt -- speeding toward the finish line to try to catch up -- absolutely stacks it, and everyone is like:

Anyway, if you've seen the ad for this episode, you know they made it look like Brittany died.

She didn't. She's literally fine.

As she picks herself up off the ground, Nick says that he loves how she can "just reset" like that, because I guess it's a real inconvenience when someone shows distress for more than three to five seconds, right?

Now that we know Britt's not dead, it's back to Brooke, who answers the final question right, winning the game for the blue team.

Shannon's like "I hope he picks me for the alone time" and Nick's like "Brooke! Alone time? Let's pash more???" and Cass is like "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and Sophie's like "yeah they're like in love, hey" and -- look it goes on but you get the point. Everyone's salty.

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Brooke and Nick settle into their alone time by debating whether "hoofs" [sic] or "tootsies" is a better term for feet.

Spoilers: It's definitely, absolutely, definitively neither!!!

Brooke reveals that riding a segway was on her bucket list and she's thrilled to have crossed it off the list!

Nick finds it easy to chat to Brooke, which is a nice change of pace from his conversations with Dasha, Jamie Lee, Queen Vanessa, Rihannon...

Basically, their conversation is like "I love these chats and I want to keep getting to know you" / "OMG so great because I ALSO love these chats and I want to keep getting to know you too, want this rose?" / "OMG thank you!" [PASH]

Magic! We love romance.

Moving right along, it's finally time for Emily's single date; the last out of the bachelorettes to get a single date with Nick.

He's invited her to the literal Opera House for a ballet lesson, which is actually a pretty nice single date since Emily's a dancer. Like, it's way better than all the death traps he's set up for the other girls, like flinging them through the sky or nearly chopping their heads off at a samurai sword lesson.

She's thrilled! It's really nice! It warmed my cold, dead heart up for three whole minutes!

Look how happy she looks! I'm happy for her!

After watching the cast members of Spartacus practice one of their routines, Emily and Nick get to take a private lesson. Nick's a pretty good sport about the whole thing and tries not to embarrass Emily in front of some of Australia's best ballet dancers.

They do okay! Like... I wouldn't pay money to see this performance, but it was a very sweet date and seeing Emily just thriving and having a blast is really nice.

After their big performance, Nick and Emily go for a drink at what I assume is a private room in the Opera House. It's a lot nicer than the spot I got last time I went for a drink at the Opera Bar, when I watched two 20-something-year-old women tourists complain to a waiter about the existence of the seagulls outside interrupting their good time.

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"Crackin' view, isn't it?" says Nick, before they promptly sit down on a couch that is FACING AWAY FROM THE VIEW:

I can't stop screaming, I've been laughing out loud about this dumb set up for 10 full minutes.

Anyway, you're not going to believe this, but Nick and Emily struggle to find their connection again! He doesn't give her a rose!

Osher crashes the cocktail party to let the girls know that there's only one more single date before they'll be doing hometown trips.

Everyone is shook. Nick's going to give the date card to someone before the night is over, and everyone is on edge, but no one more than Shannon, who hasn't had any one-on-one time with him since their first date 987 years ago.

They go for a chat and Shannon lays her heart on the line, saying that she wants to see their relationship progress and that they would "empower each other" as a couple.

During Cass' chat with Nick, she says "I find your jokes actually funny" which, dear readers, is my favourite moment of the season because it's the funniest backhanded compliment I've ever heard and I can't wait to use it on everyone I know.

Meanwhile, my queen Dasha's like "f**k going over to Nick, if he's keen he knows where to find me" which is a REAL MOOD, LADIES.

Sophie gets out a whiteboard and reveals that aside from reversing a car, she's also scared of butterflies, but goes on to clarify that he gives her butterflies in her stomach and she really likes him. He loves it, and she scores the final date card!

Shannon -- who had her heart set on getting some more time with Nick -- is devastated and breaks down to Brooke before walking out on an interview.

We go into the rose ceremony with Queen Dasha, Emily and Shannon all feeling uneasy about their position with Nick.

With Brooke already having a rose, Sophie scores the first rose of the ceremony, followed by Brittany and Cass. We break for Cassie's four-hour long hug.

And we're back! Time to get down to business. The second-last rose goes to Emily, leaving Dasha and Shannon to duke it out for the final spot.

Nick pauses for what feels like the length of one of Cassie's hugs, before offering the final rose to Dasha.

All the girls are super emotional, and as Nick walks Shannon out, she breaks down, telling him that they would've been a great couple and that he should've given them another day.

"You should've just kissed me," Shannon says, and readers, ya girl teared up! Turns out I'm NOT actually dead inside, who knew?!

And with that, we're down to just six ladies. Come back next week, when we'll see Sophie's second date before it's ONTO THE HOMETOWN VISITS!


Feature image: Ten