The Bachelor 2018: This Is A Case For The FBI

If it takes training from the FBI to tell Nick that Cass loves him, I guess we're all in the Behavioural Analysis Unit. Our Criminal Minds!

Hello friends and frenemies, and welcome back to another week of Bachelor antics.

We open on a literal montage of the girls laughing with glee that the Snakes have departed the mansion. The sun is shining, they're all drinking tea, it's literal...

Bathed in sunlight, the girls discuss how the mood of the house has lifted, and then Osher rocks up with a date card.

Despite promising to make time for Emily just last week, despite the fact that poor Cass still hasn't had a single date, despite the fact that he has two intruders who he's barely met, it's a second single date for Brittany!

You know who's not happy about it? It's Cass.

Can you believe?

Nick, who describes Brittany as "a crackin' sort" who's "lookin' pretty snazzy", meets Brittany for a cruise around the harbour.

Now, if you're picturing a gorgeous yacht, stop. It's closer to the kind of ferry you go on to cruise around the harbour during Vivid Festival, where you pay $19 on Groupon and get two free drinks and "dinner" -- if you're game enough to eat the food that's been sitting in a bain-marie for hours.

But like, it's empty, so I guess you don't have to deal with all the tourists. They also have cushions, which I assure you, the Vivid cruises I have been on do not.

They head to the Wild Life Sydney Zoo for an "animal adventure", which consists of Nick pretending he's good mates with a bunch of koalas. Brittany finds this funny and charming, which is nice for her.

Nick asks Brittany if she's ever held a koala, she says no, and he goes off to get one, but, surprise! Nick comes back with a snake. Just when you thought we were done talking about snakes, too!

Now, Britt does fine with the snake and that's all very well and good, but there's only one Britney with a snake who I care to acknowledge, so let's all take a moment to acknowledge a living legend:

Great, okay, we can move on now.

Brittany and Nick kick back with a wine in an animal sanctuary because nothing says "let's talk about our futures" like the gorgeous stench of kangaroo s**t.

Turns out they both want to travel the world for a few years before settling down and having kids in Byron. Does this nudge Brittany into being the first place frontrunner? Time will tell, sweeties!

Just as Britt is talking about how hard it is to be vulnerable in her position, Nick cuts her off with a kiss, and we get a full shot of his tongue slithering out of his mouth, down the street, across a park and into her mouth. It's really... a lot.

Nick gives her a rose, calls her a "good egg" and they pash a lot. He also compliments her "beautiful bloody hair", her eyes "and everything", to which she responds by saying he has "a beautiful heart". Lmao, drag him sis.

Onto the group date, and it's time for Cass, Brooke, Tenille, Sophie, Jamie Lee and Deanna to be interrogated by Steve, a "human lie detector" trained by the FBI. I love love!

Anyway, a minute later, poor Brooke is crying, and shares in a confessional that she does have something she needs to discuss with Nick.

The human lie detector says he "struggles" to get anything out of Deanna and that Tenille has some emotional walls up.

Cass reveals that they went on "five or six" dates in their pre-Bachie time together, and the "human lie detector" comes to the shocking conclusion that Cass is "infatuated" with Nick.

Sis, we been knew.

Steve then relays the information back to Nick.

He tells Nick and Tenille that she keeps people at a distance and has some control issues, which makes Tenille feels like things aren't going great!

He asks Deanna if she can be emotional, and she replies -- in the flattest tone imaginable -- "yeah, I definitely can be emotional".

She also says her biggest flaw is being "competitive in yoga".

Anyway, he runs Nick through his findings, which are like "Brooke's nice" and "Cass loves you", basically. Again, it's mind-boggling, the level of detail this human lie detector can pick up on, right?

Onto the cocktail party, and oh my God, Nick asks Cass to "go for a yarn" first. Yay Cass!

They talk about how genuine her feelings are and then she hugs him for eight years. She hints that she would like a single date, immediately laughs it off, and then hugs him for another 14 years. Cass is thrilled that she passed the human lie detector's test.

Next up is Brooke, who shares with Nick that she's had two relationships with women in the past, because she's attracted to people for who they are, rather than for their gender, but that she would like to be with a man because having children is important to her.

Nick's response is lowkey like "I'm glad she'd picked a lane", and my bisexual ass over here is like

Whatever, let's move right along to the rose ceremony, where Brooke gets the first rose! Cass is up next, followed by Shannon, Dasha, Emily and Jamie Lee.

Would you be surprised to hear that it comes down to Tenille and Deanna for the final rose after they both stumbled in tonight's challenge group date?

Would you be surprised to hear that Deanna went home?

I... have nothing to say.

Goodbye, Deanna, we hardly knew ye.

Come back tomorrow, when we'll be on some sort of Kill Bill adventure, I think.



Feature image: Ten