The Bachelor 2018: Get These MF Snakes Outta This MF House
Look what you made Nick do!!!
Hello, and here we are again.
We kick things off with a group date at the local swimming pool, because nothing says romance like bathing in a stranger's urine.
Cat's not feeling the swimming carnival vibes, and reveals that she wagged school on swimming carnival days. This is the closest I have ever felt to Cat, because same. She also says that her strategy is "probably cheating" which is kind of an upfront mood, tbh.
The girls are divided into houses for a game of "pool bingo" -- whatever that is -- and they're all battling for alone time with Nick. There's a lot of jokes about balls and also Brittney says "doggy style" instead of "doggy paddle".
True to her word Cat turns savage, begins cheating immediately and also says: "I would never feel bad for another person".
Emily is DETERMINED, and along with Tenille, Team Red wins the challenge.
Team Red then have to go up against one another for the alone time with Nick, racing each other in those big plastic bubbles that John Travolta has to live in The Boy In The Plastic Bubble, that film where he's allergic to the whole world.
Emily wins the challenge and finally gets some alone time with old mate Honey Badger.
Nick says he's intrigued because he "doesn't know her" and it's like hun, same.
They sit down to a wine in front of the swimming pool, because nothing says romance like the smell of chlorine!
Emily says she can "see into his soul", which makes Nick's neck do this thing again:
Emily speaks with a very soothing tone, and honestly, it's like, maybe if Nick isn't into her she can begin a new career in ASMR videos?
Nick IS into Emily, though, and vows to "make time" for a single date with her. He gives her a rose and a pash, and we cut back to the mansion, where Cat's feeling extra salty because Brooke has been selected for her third single date.
She's also dressed like Justin Timberlake at the 2001 American Music Awards, which makes it extremely hard for me to take her seriously.
Anyway, she talks about how she has a business to run and if Nick's not charmed by this snake, she might as well go home.
Nick comes to pick up Brooke -- a real-life Disney Princess -- in a Mustang, leaving the other girls at the mansion to seethe.
Their single date is BONKERS. They have to describe each other's faces to an artist who can't see them, who then uses the descriptions to sketch them. It's like if you were describing a criminal to a sketch artist at the police station, but ~romantic~.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Cat's crying and the Snakes are calling Tenille an "attention seeker" who was "trying to make Romy look bad" at the last cocktail party.
For the third episode in a row, the producers smash through the fourth wall like the time in Pretty Little Liars when A drove a car into Emily's house.
They ask the Snakes if they've said everything they need to say, and they're all like "mmhmm, yep!" but the cameras keep rolling and the sound keeps recording, and we watch on as they discuss Cat's strategy going into the cocktail party.
Huns, it's LIT.
They literally talk about whether or not Cat should cry as a way to get a sympathy rose from Nick, because her tears will "add to" her story, and then he won't send her home. It's WILD.
We cut back to Brooke and Nick's single date, where we get the reveal of their sketch.
It's pretty good!
Nick says Brooke would make a great wife! They're cute! She gets a rose and they pash because they're like lowkey in love or whatever.
Onto the toga-themed cocktail party, and new Brittney is HYPED. Nick's not even there yet, and she's like:
The other girls are left with the decision to either watch her or try to pretend like she's not there. Cass literally cannot take it and goes full Jim from The Office to the camera while she's dancing:
Brittney -- a woman of goals -- tries to kickstart a conga line, and is met with this reaction:
Nick arrives and makes a beeline for Tenille (get it? Because they hung out with bees yesterday!!!). He asks her who was "being mean" at the last cocktail party and then asks her to rank the Snakes by their meanness. Tenille's like "Nick, I have had it with these motherf**king snakes in this motherf**king house!!!!", basically.
Alisha -- who has still never had a conversation with Nick -- asks what Cat's plan for the night is. And they said Vanessa Sunshine didn't care about Nick????
Nick pulls Cat aside for a chat and asks why her name keeps popping up when there's drama in the house.
Cat's like "this is so weird because like, I've literally never said anything mean in my entire life? Like, I have a heart of gold I'm literally so nice so I'm just confused about why my name has been brought up when I'm just like honestly trying to live my life?"
Right on cue, Cat starts crying and mentions how she lives in Bali. Nick tells her to leave and Cat's like, "eh, I gave it a shot!"
Osher turns up and breaks the news that Cat has departed the mansion and that there's STILL going to be a rose ceremony.
Needless to say, Romy and Alisha are shaking.
Alisha says that she "was feeling pretty confident" about the rose ceremony initially, and again, it's like "why??? You've literally never had a conversation with him????"
With Emily and Brooke already safe, Sophie snags the first rose of the ceremony. Shannon's next, followed by Cass. They hug for literally 10 years, and then Deanna, Dasha and original Britt get roses.
Tenille gets a rose, and Romy and Alisha hate it!
We're down to four girls, with two roses to go. Left in the mix are Jamie Lee, new Brittney, Romy and Alisha.
Jamie Lee takes the first rose, and then Romy gets offered the second one, but says she's "not sure" if she wants to accept it or not!!! They go outside to chat about it, and Romy LEAVES.
Her anaconda don't want none unless you love snakes, hun!
Everyone is like "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (that's a direct quote!)
New Brittney and Alisha are still left, but Nick doesn't hand out the remaining rose, so we have FOUR people leave the mansion in one night!
Alisha says "good luck, have a good one" to Nick as she's leaving, which is maybe the longest conversation they've had.
Cass says that Nick "looks like he needs a massive hug" which is a great troll by the editors who leave in her supersized hugs every single week! I see you, babes!
And with that, we're done for another week, and wow, what a week it was!
Come back next week, when the "group date" is actually an interrogation by someone who used to work for the FBI (romantic!) and we'll see Brooke share something personal with Nick.
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Feature image: Ten