The Bachelor 2018: Bees Will Keep Us Together
That's a Captain and Tenille joke, get it?
Hi, and welcome back to the first episode since they stole my Sunshine.
Huns, babes, my friends and frenemies, I am:
Look, I tried everything in my extremely minimal power around here to get them to take back last week's episode, re-shoot the rest of the season and crown Vanessa Sunshine the winner, the Sole Survivor, the... love of Nick's life?? I guess? But my pleas were steadfastly rejected.
I then tried to slither out of writing these recaps, but alas, that was also rejected, so here we f**king are.
Whatever. Let's carry on, I guess.
Alisha -- who to my knowledge has never spoken to Nick in the entire duration of the show but managed to scam a rose last week anyway -- has a date card. It's for a group date!
Emily, Britt, Brooke, Cat, Ashlea, Alisha and Cass have all been chosen for the group date, but there's a TWIST!
And NO, it's NOT Vanessa Sunshine coming back.
It's intruders, and everyone -- including Nick -- is shook, and it's like, honestly do we even need intruders when Emily and Ashlea have barely spoken so far????
Nick is stressed about what the other girls are thinking of his reaction to the intruders, and then recites an example of the "psycho girlfriend" trope who doesn't let him talk to other women, and it's like, hun, it's 2018.
In quick succession, we meet Deanna, Jamie Lee, and another Brittney.
Deanna's a swimmer, and Cat's like "I don't rate her" and then does an interview about how no one can remember her name. Lean on into that villain edit, hun!
Jamie Lee is nervous and talks about her pet chickens. I have nothing to contribute to this. Also, Alisha calls her jumpsuit 'banging' and literally shows more excitement over the outfit than she has for Nick this whole season.
Finally, we meet Brittney, who looks a lot like Jersey Shore's Sammi Sweetheart, if you replaced all the scenes of Sammi sobbing with ones of her laughing manically.
She's like... extremely a lot to take in, and the girls all mock her for her relentless enthusiasm.
Brittney also says that she "recently went to Japan" and then says "Konnichiwa", prompting Cat to call her "cringe-worthy", saying "it would be like if I talked about living in Bali all the time!!!"
Next up, it's time for the "group date", ie, another made up sports activity where it's "like netball" but on bouncy balls???
Team Green is Ashlea, Brooke, Cat, Britt, and Alisha, and Team Red is Emily, Cass, Deanna, Jamie Lee and Brittney.
Quickly, things turn brutal, and the girls are tackling each other and wrestling for the ball in a fight to the death, basically.
Meanwhile, I'm over here like:
How many more made up sports am I going to have to endure this season? It's so very unfair!
Anyway, whatever. Jamie Lee
gets attacked by Michael Myers rolls her ankle, and it seems painful.
Brooke, who tackled her, says she "feels really bad":
The girls immediately decide she's using her ankle to get one on one time with Nick, and Cat says she'd "break both her ankles" if it meant time with Nick.
Next thing you know, it's time for the cocktail party, and immediately, we get a talking head from Romy, who also makes a point of talking about how no one can remember Deanna's name.
I don't know what kind of selective amnesia the Snakes are suffering from this week but it seems to be brought on by a sense of feeling threatened.
We also get to hear Ashlea speak for the first time! Unfortunately, she's hanging out with the Snakes (sans Alisha), who are talking s**t about Deanna's appearance. Ironically, it's not a cute look for any of them!
Nick arrives and tells everyone that it's "good vibes only" and new Brittney takes him aside for a dance -- with no music -- in front of everyone.
Emotionally, it's just a lot to take on, and I'm not sure I have the capacity for it right now.
Brittney tells Nick that he'll "get used to her" but honestly I'm not sure I WILL.
Anyway, it's a new dawn, a new day, and Tenille is finally getting a single date! We find her on the side of a deserted road.
Tenille reveals that she's been single for four years and that she doesn't typically kiss on the first date.
Nick picks her up on a motorbike and they go to a honey farm, where they're going to be beekeepers for the day, or something.
They get into their beekeeper outfits, and Tenille jokes that Nick probably thinks she's "looking really sexy" in it.
She also takes a bite out of the honeycomb, wax and all, and the scene goes on forever as she waits for it to dissolve, which it does not. Because it's wax.
Side note: I think about the time Women's Weekly tweeted a bunch of really wild, no context tweets all the time, and I'm glad screen-grabbing them all finally came in handy!!! My co-worker told me this was "so niche" but I can't stop laughing so I hope you enjoy it too!!!!!
Four hours later, Tenille spits out the wax and the episode carries on.
They drink some honey mead, talk about the lunar cycle, ignore the fact that bees are dying and have a pash, despite Tenille's initial reservations.
At cocktail party number two, the Snakes have gotten themselves allllllllll worked up over Tenille kissing Nick after saying that she wouldn't normally kiss on a first date.
Nick takes Jamie Lee aside, and by that, I mean he literally carries her away from everyone, because she's on crutches. While they're talking, Romy decides it's time to go in on Tenille.
"Oi Tenille," she begins, before gaslighting her for like five full minutes.
Tenille tries to explain that no, she didn't say that kissing Nick would be "gross", while Shannon and Brooke disassociate from reality and sink into themselves.
Tenille tries to remove herself from the situation and Romy takes that as a sign of guilt. Here's some footage of Romy doing the mental gymnastics to make that leap in logic work:
Romy hunts her down for round two and pushes her to breaking point, causing Tenille to run away from the situation while Romy smiles gleefully.
It's deeply unpleasant to watch, as is the extremely UnREAL scene where a producer with a cameraman chase her out of the mansion and into the woods -- while she's sobbing -- instead of letting her cool down for like, five minutes.
Back at the mansion, the Snakes are revelling in the drama of it all, and Alisha says "what is up with girls?!" and it's like...
The producer convinces Tenille to return to the mansion, and it's time for the rose ceremony.
Jamie Lee gets the first rose, Cat's unhappy (what's new?!).
Sophie, Alisha, Cat, Brooke, Romy, Cass, Shannon, Britt, Emily, and Dasha all get roses, leaving four girls and two roses.
Intruders Deanna and Brittney snag the final two roses, meaning original girls Rihannon and Ashlea are sent home. All the remaining OGs are like:
Cat's "furious" that Nick chose "mediocre molls" over Rihannon and Ashlea, and vows to avenge them.
And that's it! Come back tomorrow when we see the continued fallout from Tenille's breakdown. Will the Snakes face justice? Time will tell, friends!
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Feature image: Ten