The Bachelor 2018: Meet The Badgers

This is a Snake Queen Vanessa Sunshine stan account now!

Hi lovers, and welcome back to another week of Bachie madness.

We open on Nick doing his very best Baywatch impression as he jogs along the beach. There's also this gorgeous shot of Nick sitting pensively on the shore, alone, which just reminded me of Kris Jenner's Love magazine video.

Name a more iconic duo, I'll wait!!!

Anyway, Nick decides he wants a single date with Sophie, and she's hyped for it!

She gets out her Blistex and thinks about their blissful future together while looking over the water.

When they meet, she tells him that she's "impressed" that he ironed his shirt himself, because we really congratulate men for doing the absolute least, don't we?

Anyway, they're doing... I don't even know. It's like some boat... thing. Nick said something about how it doesn't have an engine? I don't know, you guys, please don't expect me to be able to keep my attention on this show while they're talking about sporty things. I'm a 147-year-old ghost who lives in an attic.

Cute pic of me, thriving!

Wait okay, this boat FLIES. Or levitates. Like me, a ghost! Wow, relatable.

Sophie talks about how she needs to "open up" and "get more comfortable" with her feelings and it's like wow did I come here to be entertained or to hear what my therapist told me repeated on national television? Is this some kind of trick?

They chat about past relationships and share, you know the drill, and then Nick says he's been "staring at those bloody lips for too long", they pash, and Soph snags a rose!

Next up is the group date, and the Honey Badger's not there! You know who is? Nick's family, who Cass has met before! She is, as always, shook.

Osher reveals that the Badger's Cummins' will pick one lucky lass to join them for some yarns at a family dinner. Brooke's like:

Cat says she's expecting to see a lot of polite smiles and fake personalities through the day, and she's positively BEAMING at the thought of it because it's like, finally a challenge she can thrive in, I guess.

Alisha says she works for the labor party and Nick's dad says "we'll let that go". It's the Aussie equivalent of the scene in Vanderpump Rules when Stassi's dad meets Frank, pulls out a flask with a gun on it at a café and says "yer not a Democrat, are ya?"

Sorry if that's too niche!!!!! (Narrator: She was not sorry.)

Meanwhile, Vanessa Sunshine, Queen of the Snakes, is quietly adding the names of Nick's family to the list of things she hates.

I love and fear her in equal measure and it's very exciting for me, like falling for a Scorpio!!! She's actually not a Scorpio, though. In fact, like myself, she's a Sagittarius, and her birthday is December 13 (mine is the 12th, not that you asked!!!).

You know who else's birthday is December 13? It's Taylor Swift, the OTHER Queen of the Snakes. Coincidence? I think the f**k not.

Legends only!

Nick's sister is meeting all the ladies. Brooke gets emotional talking about the similarities between their families, Brittany uses her time to drag the girls who are in the mansion for "TV time" -- ie, Cat.

Nick's sister asks Cat if she's in the house for the right reasons, and Cat's like:

She literally doesn't even try to deny it and I love it. A mess.

Meanwhile, Cass is a bundle of frayed nerves while chatting to Nick's brother, who's an empathetic ear for her to share with.

On the other side of the mansion, Romy's using her one-on-one time to tell Nick's sister that Cass is in love with Nick and that she's not a good match for him anyway. It sounds pretty bad, but she also says that she can't imagine how it would feel to be 23, in the mansion and in love with Nick, and that it's "hard to watch". A broken clock is right twice a day, ya know?

Blair overhears Romy and calls her "shady", and vows to tell Cass.

Brooke gets the extra date with Nick and his family, and everyone is thrilled for her!

Brooke has a lovely night bonding with the family, where Nick's dad commends her for her ability to be "real in a surreal environment". Then they all toast with a big "cheers, big ears!" and it's back to the mansion because huns, it's about to kick off, and for once I mean in the sh*tfight way and not in the dumb sports way.

The dramatic music has kicked in, and we know that Romy knows Blair told Cass what she heard.

Cat delivers us the first "game on, molls" of the season.

Legends only.

Romy's like "wyd sis" to Blair, and Blair's like "wtf, you said it". Meanwhile, Cat and Alisha are THRIVING. This fight that doesn't involve them has cleared their skin, left them feeling rested and rejuvenated and ready for the night. They're as happy as Vanessa Sunshine at brunch.

Cass, meanwhile, is not living for the drama of it all. She just wants the girls to not speak about each other behind their backs, which honestly is a real mood for life but like... that's not the show I signed up to watch, ya know?

The cocktail party kicks off, and Cass is determined to be the first to speak to Nick. Unfortch, Nick makes a beeline for Tenille and tells her that he's thinking about her, despite the fact that this is maybe the second time we've seen her.

Next, he chats with Blair -- who you'll remember from last week's cocktail party as "the one who was wearing athleisure" and Rihannon, another stranger to us!

Cass straps on her biggest smile and goes over to them to steal him for a moment, and Brooke and Alisha are kicking back, ready to enjoy the show.

Finally, it's Cassie's turn, and she kicks things off by telling Nick how "refreshening" it was to see his brother the day before.

Nick says that he can't reciprocate her strong feelings because it's unfair to the other women in the house, and honestly, it's like... heartbreaking and extremely triggering for anyone who's ever been on the receiving end of a chat like that. BRB gonna text my therapist!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay great, I feel better!!!

ANywAy, Nick's breezed past that hella-awkies chat, and he's sitting with retro-slang legend Cat. He says that someone told his family that she's "not there for the right reasons" and she's like:

Also Nick's neck does this:

Snake Queen Vanessa Sunshine gets a talking head moment where she says that Nick should get rid of "one of the mean girls in the house" which is A TRULY BOLD STATEMENT given that she's had the worst date with him so far. I love her so much.

Finally, it's onto the rose ceremony, and Tenille gets the first rose! Guess he really has been thinking about her!

Next up is Brittany, followed by Rihannon, Brooke, Dasha and Romy in quick succession, before Cass gets a rose and we slow things down with another one of her characteristic long hugs.

While Shannon, Emily, Vanessa Sunshine, Ashlea and Alisha are getting their roses, Cat is serving enough salt to cause a heart attack in her voice over testimonial. She's basically like "WTF where's my rose, I hate these bitches I'm so mad". Meanwhile, Blair is starting to worry that Nick doesn't know enough about her to keep her in the house.

Sure enough, we get down to the classic two girls, one rose ratio, and would you believe, it's Cat vs. Blair.

Cat wins the battle, and we say goodbye to Blair. If she'd been meaner I could've made a great joke about the Blair Bitch Project here, but alas, poor Blair, we hardly knew ye.

I'd also like to take a moment to point out that Snake Queen Vanessa Sunshine is the FIRST person to hug Blair goodbye, and looks genuinely sad to see her go.

Queen of emotions!

She also stuck her tongue out at Nick while accepting her rose, so I guess what I'm saying here is that this is a Vanessa Sunshine stan account now, and we need to come up with a fandom name.

Come back tomorrow for camping (yuck) and drama (yay!)!


Feature image: Ten