The Bachelor 2018: Leg Shavers And Darth Waders

All hail Snake Queen Vanessa Sunshine.

Hi there, and welcome Bach (like the composer, get it?) to another recap.

We open on a single date between Nick and our gorgeous Russian queen, Dasha. They're going flyfishing, and Dasha is excited to tell her son Leon all about it.

Back at the mansh, guess what Cat and Romy are upto? If you guessed "bitching about Vanessa Sunshine while Romy wears her feminist t-shirt", you're absolutely correct!

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Back on the Date, Dasha learns the word "waders" and immediately makes them look better than I have ever looked in any outfit in my entire life. She also called them "Darth Waders" and huns, I screamed.

Flawless, effortless legend.

I'm pretty sure she's what the child of Mila Kunis and Emily Ratajkowski would look like??? I love her.

They have a romantic dinner -- or, maybe "a romantic snack plate" is more accurate -- where they chat about family and past love and what they're looking for in a partner.

Nick asks her to accept a rose, IN RUSSIAN! I hope Dasha's not Russ-ian into things, ha ha ha. She says yes, and they make out.

Onto the group date, they arrive at a field, and it's three seconds before Cat says "shit yeah, this is epic". I just... whatever. Her slang might kill me?

Anyway, the girls are divided into Crips and Bloods a blue team and a red team. Shannon and Cat are picked as gang team leaders, and recruit their gang team members.

Team "Bachie Blue" is Shannon, Brooke, Rihannon, Brittany, Vanessa and Tenille, while Team "Red Bears" is Cat, Cass, Romy, Sophie, Emily and Ashlea. Are these the worst team names of all time? Debatable!

Osher explains the rules, and then Nick gives them a really hectic pep talk, and honestly, I can't tell you anything about this part because my eyes glazed over and I started thinking about this great jigsaw puzzle I'm doing at the moment -- it's a landscape, and I'm really close to finishing it.

Okay, tuning back in, it's like The Hunger Games but mixed with Dodgeball -- they're shooting each other with bows and arrows (like cupid I guess????) and if you get hit, you're out.

Emily shoots Nick in the balls, and the Red Bears win round one. Nick swaps teams, and then the Bachie Blues win round two.

Cass hopes that she wins the extra time with Nick for being a fair player, but Nick gives it to Cat.

They have a drink and she goes in for a kiss, which -- like her pal Romy -- he rejects!

The difference here, however, is that Cat just rolls with it and owns the awkwardness of it all. She's like:

She jokes that maybe she'll tell the girls back at the house that they kissed, accidentally dragging her best friend in the house all the way down to hell.

Back at the mansion, the cocktail party is in full swing, and Blair's a sporty spice with a plan to make an impression on our Badgey. She put him in "detention" for not speaking to her at the last two cocktail parties, and the pair have a banter while dribbling a basketball.

Meanwhile, Cat and Romy are like "well she's still a massive bogan" which is like... gals...

The snakes -- seemingly unaware that they have been labelled The Snakes by our recently departed Cayla -- call Vanessa Sunshine the "Snake Queen", thereby appointing Vanessa Sunshine as their leader.

Ashlea makes a play to steal Nick for a moment, and poor Cass has her smile frozen on once again. She's doing that thing where you're so preoccupied at a party by something happening on the other side of the room that you actually can't even hear the conversation you're a part of.

Just as Cass is about to make her move, Shannon points out that she hasn't had any one on one time with Nick since the first date, and Cass backs down, telling Shannon to go have a chat with him. It's a nice moment!

We go into the rose ceremony with two girls set to leave the mansion and Cass calling Nick "a dream" and "perfect" and saying it would be "a fairytale" to end up with him. I'm upset for her.

Rihannon, Tenille and Ashlea get the first roses! Meanwhile, I'm over here like:

Maybe next week we'll finally get to hear them speak more than three words, since Nick seems to like them so much!

With two roses left, all three Snakes snag a rose, and the second last rose goes to their Snake Queen Vanessa Sunshine.

The three girls left standing are Steph, Aleksandra and Cass, so obvs, Cass is freaking out.

In a twist that will have you saying "no shit", Cass gets the final rose, and gives him another very long hug.

Steph, who is an actual ICON, offers Nick the following parting words: "I can't believe I shaved my legs for this."

"Fair enough," Nick replies to no one in particular, as Steph has pretty much stormed out of the mansion by this point.

Anyway, that's it for this week! Stop by next week when we'll see Romy tell Nick's mum that Cass isn't a good match for him, and see Cass freak out over something Nick says to her!


Feature image: Ten