The Bachelor 2018: Yarns, Yoga And A Whole Lotta Sunshine
Hashtag: It's all happening.
Hello all, and welcome to a new season of The Bachelor. We have a new mansion, a new Badgelor, Nick Cummins and 25 new ladies all vying to be Sole Survi--wait no, that's our other show. Vying for his heart! That's it, this is the show about romance. Still, there can only be one, and over the weeks, we'll watch as our Honey Badgelor whittles them down to just one.
Will there be tears? Yes. Will there be tantrums? Definitely. Will there be romance? Time will tell!
Let's get into it.
Described as a "lovable larrikin" who loves the outdoors, let me just say, as a decrepit old lady who likes to stay inside doing jigsaw puzzles on my computer while watching reality TV in my pajamas, the Honey Badger and I would not be a good match. In fact, if by some turn of events I found myself invited to the Bachelor mansion, I would probably bail at 4 pm on the day I was supposed to rock up because I love cancelling plans and going to bed at 8 pm instead.
Still, I suppose this isn't about me, so let's carry on.
Nick says that he's going to "strap on the bag of fruit", which is... apparently slang for "putting on a suit". Rhyming slang, fun!
Upon seeing Osher, Nick says "here he is!", which literally proves this excellent and factual tweet to be correct.
They talk about love, laugh awkwardly, and say things like "fair dinkum" at one another, and then it's time to meet the ladies.
Shannon is first out of the limo and tells us she's "shitting her daks". He tells her to "jog it in" which is sporty! Shannon loves it though! She's super hyped when he says that they should "drop a line" together in the pond, which is about fishing??? I think????
Next we meet Brooke, and they have a cute LOL about how she's "got balls". She doesn't have any idea who he is, which is relatable!
"How good's footy?!" is Brooke's opening line, so I had to tune out again.
Brittany is third in line, and she's here for the buffet, which is an eternal mood.
Anyway, Britt and Bach are both from Port Macquarie! It's cute! They also both love travel, which is like, babes, who doesn't? Saying you love traveling is like saying you love breathing air but like, go off! We love having things in common!
Cayla the energy healer brings him 2kg of rose quartz and Nick doesn't quite know what to make of it.
We meet Cat, Tenille, Renee, Kayla, Sophie, and Steph, but nothing could prepare us for Cass... unless of course, you've seen the promo, in which case, this is what you've been waiting for.
Cass and Nick have met before!
Cass is shook!
Nick is shook! We're all shook!
After that, we meet Emily, Ashlea, Christina, Susie, Autumn, Romy, Urzula, Juliana, Rhiannon, Blair, Alisha, Aleksandra at a rapid-fire pace. Here's some footage of the girls leaving old mate Badge as the next girl enters the shot:
Finally, we get to Dasha from Russia (via Adelaide). Three seconds later, she's in a handstand doing sit-ups on his chest, and I'm sitting here scrolling through Uber Eats like:
Vanessa Sunshine is next, and huns, she's not happy!
She speaks to him for approximately 15 seconds, then pulls a power move and exits the conversation, telling him to "come find her inside" when he asks where she's from. Legends only!
Vanessa tells us that she's the life of the party, and I'm inclined to believe her, if only because the last time I heard that, it turned out to be true.
Again I say "legends only!"
We get a montage of Vanessa Sunshine saying "Vanessa Sunshine" over and over again, before cutting Cat off mid-sentence to talk about herself.
"Soz mate, you're not that epic," says Cat in a confessional from the year 2018 and not 2004! I love dated slang though, I wish she'd finished it off with a "boo-yah!" for good measure.
Meanwhile, Vanessa Sunshine is having a conversation with
Ariana Grande Shannon.
"I do not feel the need to be friends with everybody," says Vanessa Sunshine, in our first 'I'm not here to make friends' of the season. "This is The Bachelor, not Make New Girlfriends."
We come back from break, and Cass is quick to get the crazy edit, the poor thing.
Here's the thing: we've all been 23 and had crushes where we were more invested than the other person. Prediction: she is... absolutely going to get her heart stomped on.
Anyway, Osher comes in and tells them all to try to win a key. They all freak out.
Then Nick comes in and they all freak out even more. He gives a speech about how you get three great loves in your life, because he's probably never seen the film Titanic.
He's ready to "spin a few yarns" and Aleksandra grabs him before anyone else can. Meanwhile, Juliana, Cass, and Brooke are left looking like a mood board of my emotions when I found out Mariah Carey cancelled her Australian tour last week.
"Hectic," Cass says, as the crazy edit kicks back in.
Cat recognises Sophie as a girl who's dated her ex-boyfriend and decides that it is the hill she's going to die on.
"I'm definitely going to bring it up," she says, for reasons beyond my comprehension, since Cat and her ex were broken up at the time.
Alisha encourages Cat to confront Sophie, but asks if she's "gonna do it in a friendly way".
"No I don't give a shit," replies Cat.
Alisha is living for the drama of it all.
But before we can get to this, Nick and Sophie have a cute moment alone where they play with little motorboats in the pool and ~connect~ about love.
Okay, back to the catfight. Cat confronts Sophie about dating her ex -- again... he EX -- and Sophie is like "huh?" but doesn't take the bait for a fight. A queen.
Cat says: "I think Nick will think [Sophie]'s a basic bitch who doesn't have much to offer," which is an interesting analysis from someone using the word "epic" in 2018, but again, go off my good sis!
Alisha cements her role as the narrator with the following offering, cut into a montage of Cass keeping an eye on Nick:
"Nick is in very high demand tonight, everybody wants a piece of him, but nobody wants time with Nick quite as much as Cass. Cass is clocking Nick's every move, she's on the constant look out for where he is, who he's talking to, and what he's doing. Everywhere Nick moves, Cass is there within eyeshot. She's over by the love nook, 'Ooh! Nick's over here talking with someone!' they're over by the pergola, heeeeeeeeeere's Cassie! God forbid if the bloke wants to go to the toilet, Cass'll be following Nick in there, too! "
Nick, for his part, seems to be oblivious to the surveillance and chats with Brooke about whether he got his curly hair from his mother or his father.
They seem to be getting along, though, which is nice for them! They chat about love, and then Brooke tells him a joke that cracks Nick tf up:
He loves it! He tells HER a joke, and SHE loves it!
Anyway, back to Cass. It's finally her turn to talk to Nick! She's got butterflies! Meanwhile, Alisha is living for the drama of it all, and I am living for Alisha.
Cass tells Nick that he's one of her "goals and dreams" and how she can't believe it because "it's all happening". I feel bad for her, because the last time I heard THAT on a reality show, it just... didn't work out great.
Niche comment for my fellow pumpheads: There's no word on how many minutes it takes Nick to hang a TV yet, but watch this space!
Anyway, Nick's reaction to Cass telling him that she wrote his name in her diary is "Holy Jesus", which should be her cue to be like "okay thanks so much for your time, goodbye!" but instead, Cass decides she wants to kiss him and then chickens out at the last second.
Dasha calls all the girls desperate, but she's not about that life. Speaking of desperate, Kayla jumps in the pool to get Nick's attention... which she does not. He's literally not even nearby!
As Kayla bobs around in the pool, Cat says "Oi way to ruin a good dress babe", which pretty much sums it up.
The girls discuss who's going to get the key to the Bach pad, and Cass thinks it should be her.
"To be honest, I probably have the strongest feelings for him in the house, because obviously, I know him the most, so it would feel weird if someone else got it," she says.
Unfortunately for Cass, Nick gives it to Brooke!
"I love how you say 'yarn'," Brooke whispers when Nick tells her they had a good yarn. Romance!
Vanessa Sunshine, unaccustomed to losing, is unhappy. You know who else is unhappy? It's Cass!
Moving onto the rose ceremony, three women are leaving tonight! It's episode one, so the main question for me is "how did he learn 25 names in one night?"
The main question for the show, however, is "will Cass get a rose?"
The answer is yes! (My own question remains unanswered, sad!)
Vanessa is displeased because Nick isn't picking her fast enough, because like a female Dennis Reynolds, she's a five-star lady!
Come back tomorrow when we'll chat about the helicopter date and a photo shoot group date!
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THE BACHELOR 2018: MEET THE BACHELORETTES
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Feature image: Ten