Mapping The Confusing Sexual Tension Between Every Single Character In 'The Crimes Of Grindelwald'
The Crimes of Grindelwald is a hot mess.
The unfortunate truth about the latest in the sputtering Fantastic Beasts franchise is that it's confusing, lacks direction, and falls too far into fan service territory while also failing to respect the rules of the Harry Potter universe.
But you know where it does succeed? Sexual tension. The Crimes of Grindelwald takes the dubious prize of being the horniest of the entire lot of films so far, and we're going to prove it.
** SPOILERS AHEAD **
First things first, let’s get the known thirsts out of the way.
Newt Scamander and Tina Goldstein
When we last saw these two, they were two adorable idiots too socially awkward to make a move. But there was promise in the air. Something was definitely going to happen!
This time around, they're still kinda into each other, but since Tina read a false news report about Newt being engaged to former flame Leta Lestrange (more on that in a minute), she flounced off and got herself a nice boyfriend. Do we see this boyfriend ever? No. But he’s definitely there, he just works in another Ministry, you wouldn’t know him.
Jacob Kowalski and Queenie Goldstein
Also at the end of the last film, Jacob and Queenie were cute and adorable and shared one sweet kiss before the magic rain came along and erased Jacob’s memory or whatever. In this film, it turns out that Jacob got his memory back because the rain only erased “bad memories”. We wish we could elaborate further but we can’t, because the script -- penned by J.K. Rowling herself -- dedicated one line of dialogue to explaining away this vital plot point. Anyway, they’re still together but having dramas because of America’s law that magical people and No-Maj’s can’t marry. The film skates very close to an interracial marriage allegory here but thankfully, spends very little time on it.
Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald
Obviously, thanks to Rowling’s retcon of making Dumbledore gay, we have a subtext of young Albus being all conflicted about Grindelwald, his former “closer than brothers” best mate who’s quickly becoming wizard Hitler.
Right, we all caught up? Now let us introduce all the other new romantic connections and burning flames, because this film has all a lot. You could even go so far to say that it has more sexual tension than actual crimes of Grindelwald.
Leta Lestrange and Theseus Scamander
Oh, remember when it was very obvious in Fantastic Beasts that Newt loved Leta, but it was "complicated"? This is why. She's engaged to his war hero brother. Way to go, Leta -- you get with your best friend's more charming and handsome older brother. Please interpret for yourself if this is a good or bad thing.
Leta Lestrange and Newt Scamander
But of course! These two are still into each other! There's burning tension and rom-com style meet-cutes and a history of being outsiders at Hogwarts, bound together by sheer isolation. The lingering question is: does Leta love Newt or Theseus more? Honestly, these three probably need another blue flame / lie detector test to figure it out.
Leta Lestrange and Albus Dumbledore
YES, Dumbledore is gay. And YES, Leta is already dealing with her own confusing feelings towards the brothers Scamander. But watch that scene with Leta and Dumbledore in the classroom again and tell me that in any other movie, they wouldn't be making out about seven scenes later. The tension is there, people, and this is the hill we will die on.
Bunty and Newt Scamander
Bunty is Newt's assistant, an unfortunate character who's tragically in love with her employer. Newt has no idea. Bunty's entire purpose appears to be to show the audience that Newt is Quite A Catch, If Only He Would Realise It. There's a highly sexually charged scene early on where Bunty breathlessly watches Newt wrangle with some fantastic beast, and then literally gets doused -- sopping -- in water. This is a family friendly movie, Joanne, WHAT are you doing.
Please note: Bunty is not an important enough character to have a last name. You know who else is important enough to have a last name? Literally every single character ever mentioned in the books.
Nagini and Credence Barebone
Ah, sweet Nagini, who will eventually become a snake full time, find herself imbibed with part of Lord Voldemort's soul, and get her head lopped off by Neville Longbottom. Tragic.
She loves Credence. She luuuuuuurves Credence. Like, have you seen Credence a.k.a. Ezra Miller? Who wouldn't be in love with this slice of perfection?
Unfortunately, Credence is less in love with her and more in love with trying to find his place in the world / dealing with über abandonment issues. Which brings us to:
Grindelwald and Credence
Ugh, yes. Grindelwald is horny for Credence, specifically Credence's dark, Obscurus power. While most of us would probably be horrified that an anaemic goblin who sounds like Johnny Depp is into us, Credence is so abandoned and confused that he kind of goes along with it. And let us not forget that Credence definitely had some hot daddy issues towards Grindlewald when the former looked like Colin Firth (same).
Abernathy and Grindelwald
While you could make the argument that all of Grindelwald's followers are into him in some way, Abernathy definitely takes the cake. That early scene in the flying carriage where you realise Abernathy and Grindelwald did the old switcheroo? Brimming with homoerotic energy. Quite frankly, it's homophobic they didn't kiss.
Queenie and Grindelwald
I mean... Queenie is picking up whatever Grindelwald is putting down. Sure, she says she's only following Grindelwald because she wants to marry her one true love Jacob, but let's not forget she can read minds. She knows what Grindelwald's intentions are, and jumps into the blue flame anyway. The girl is into an anaemic goblin and is therefore a lost cause.
Nicholas Flamel and Immortality
Nicholas Flamel is horny for life. End of sentence.
Newt Scamander and Fantastic Beasts
It's RIGHT THERE IN THE TITLE. Newt may have Bunty, Tina and possibly Leta into him, but his one true love / passion / is for weird-ass creatures. It's a shame he and Hagrid didn't live in the same time, because then at least Hagrid would have one student willing to take NEWT-level Care of Magical Creatures. Oh well.
Lead photo: Warner Bros