Australian Survivor 2018: Meat Pies, Beers & Tears

You know the drill peeps -- spoilers inside.

Hello and happy hump day!

ICYM last night: There was (mostly) shirtless wrestling, Zach was a douche, Jenna injured her ankle again, Jackie got stuck on a wall and we said goodbye to Sneaky Steve after the boys tried to eliminate Paige on the sly.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s get right into Wednesday night’s ep of Survivor: Champions v Contenders

Following last night’s elimination, Paige is understandably salty over Robbie, Benji and Zach double-crossing her when “she thought she could trust them” and lol this is Survivor, sis. She keeps making passive-aggressive comments like “sooooo am I being played again?” and honestly? We’re living for this shade.

Big mood.

Zach starts talking again, and we can legit feel our skin crawl every time he does his crappy impression of Paige, which sounds more like something you’d do to mock your mate back in primary school.

After realising that the gals were a lot more crafty than they thought, the bromance alliance begins to panic that they're outnumbered -- they suddenly realise that if they're going to survive, they'll need to woo Paige back into their crew -- as in literally a day after throwing her under the proverbial bus.

Over at the Champs campsite, everyone's bitching about Brian not pulling his weight, and look, it's probably true, seeing as we've seen him like twice since the premiere. Brian defends this, saying he needs daily "Brian time" -- which involves him walking the beach in his undies -- and we totally feel that.

It's soon time for yet another challenge, and like yesterday's swingers and pullers, this too is chockas with sexual innuendo.

It's crazy high stakes for today's challenge, with the prize being a trip to "Survivor pub", complete with a beer and meat pie (with tommy sauce, obvs) -- and tbh the only way it could get more Aussie was if Shannon Noll showed up and serenaded us with a cover of Daryl Braithwaite's The Horses.

Everyone understandably goes WILD, and we foresee a lot of savagery coming up in order to win that coveted Four'N'Twenty and a frothy boi.

We're again distracted by Robbie's biceps, so excuse us for missing the finer details, but there's a lot of plank walking and ball balancing -- and it actually looks really fkn stressful.


Champions take out the (possibly the world's best) prize, and Robbie is pretty bloody devo over his lack of pie -- and we can relate with those feels completely.

Back at Contenders camp, and Zach has found another chance to have a whinge about the girls, and even though he says, "I hate saying it, but the guys are the strongest in the challenges," we know that's an absolute lie because he literally brings it up any chance he gets.

He also harps on about how much competitive sport he plays, how the girls are useless, and how he can bench press double Benji's body weight, and really it's all just white noise to us at this point.

Meanwhile, morale over in team Champs is much higher as the crew hit up their makeshift beachfront pub as their prize, and they waste NO time getting amongst it.

For a while, it's just a montage of sexual sounds and looks of pure untainted happiness as the group collectively start smashing pies, until someone notices that there's a collage of random photographs on the wall. BUT WAIT -- THEY'RE ACTUALLY NOT RANDOM AT ALL...

In fact, they're a collection of snaps of each of our Champions in their respective fields! They all start reminiscing on their glory stories and it's all very sweet -- especially Sam, who among a bunch of pro sporting photos from others had the world's cutest/nerdiest childhood snap of a working volcano system he built at 6-years-old. But also there's a pic of Jackie holding a rubix cube and LOL.

Mat then tells the group about "his everything" -- his son Max who was diagnosed with autism and just from the background music we can tell we're going to be a god damn mess by the end of this backstory.


Mat reveals that Max was non-verbal until he was sent to a special care school, where he learnt to speak and tell his parents "I love you" ( cue us ugly crying). Following Max's vast improvement, he and wife Chloe together created the charity 4ASD Kids in order to help families in a similar situation who can't afford special care for their children.

Mat says he's playing for Max and just wants to make him proud, and we think we should just cancel the rest of the show and just give him the prize money.

Once we finished wailing and binned the sopping mound of Kleenex at our desks, it was time for the immunity challenge.

Jonathon tells our contestants that Jenna will not be participating as she'll instead be whisked away by helicopter to get scans on her ankle, which will determine if she's fit to remain on Survivor.

Today's challenge involves a giant slide and canoe, and the Champions are struggling HARD. Commando is doing what he does best -- taking charge and yelling out instructions to his flailing team -- but the whole thing is about as successful as herding cats.

Realising this, Commando is just like "f**k this" and dives in himself to fetch the rings seeing as his teammates are about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

Following a life-sized, much more stressful version of ring toss, the Champions make a major comeback and take out the win -- but we can't help but wonder if Robbie is off punching a palm tree in frustration over yet another loss for the Contenders.

We're back at camp! And of course, Zach is again going on about how weak girls are and yada yada yada we have heard this all before...

In the end, the boys decide they're going to kick off injured Jenna -- much like how animals kill their injured young -- while the girls decide that Paige is a snitch for telling the Champs that she "was on the outer" and like any rat, must be exterminated. 

They also decide to confront her about her fraternising with the enemy in front of the whole camp, and we are all for this sudden explosion of cattiness.

But hold the phone! Jenna has hobbled back in with the verdict on her ankle!

The good news is her ankle isn't broken. The bad news is that there's damage, and until they know what it is she will no longer be able to participate in any physical activities... She's sweet for anything else though, she says. But we all know what happened last time someone was labelled a 'liability'... 

It's tribal council time, and after Jenna makes a heartfelt speech, cries, and tells us "the worst thing that could happen would be to see the whole tribe to turn on me".... and that's.... exactly what happens.

Her torch is snuffed, everyone cries, and just like that, Jenna's Survivor dream is over, and we don't remember asking for all these feels... 

Australian Survivor: Champions Versus Contenders airs 7.30 Tuesday-Thursday on TEN, WIN Network and Tenplay.